Tag Archive | "voters"

Blair: My Critics on Iraq Should Check Their Privilege! (1/2)


Dynamic and charismatic political figure Tony Blair has recently made another helpful intervention, in order to clear up any confused ideas any mere ‘ordinary people’ may be stubbornly clinging to.

Yes, the former Middle East peace envoy and architect of innumerable sweepingly successful and highly lauded humanitarian interventions…

Has recently been so kind as to educate his foolish and benighted critics on where they are going wrong.

Assuming an uncustomarily longwinded and pedagogical stance, Blair twitched: Read the full story

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Dixville Notch Grabs Crotch for President


GlossyNews.com – DIXVILLE NOTCH — It’s midnight in Dixville Notch, ten registered voters, one minute to vote, it’s dark, cold and everyone wore a Mackinaw, though few would tell us what exactly that is.

By 12:05 a.m., the 2012 Presidential race is officially a wicked pissah.

All ten votes were unpredictably cast for Peace and Freedom candidate Roseanne Barr and running mate, Cindy Sheehan. Read the full story

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GA Exit Polls Show Honey Boo Boo Leading Twinkies


GlossyNews.com – GEORGIA – Exit polls conducted throughout the state of Georgia are showing reality TV starlet and shaved Gremlin Honey Boo Boo holding a slight lead over the well known snack Twinkies in the race for the White House.

Asked how something like this could happen, state election officials said that Georgia voters simply ignored all of the options on the ballot and wrote in either Honey Boo Boo, Twinkies, or Gary Johnson. Read the full story

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Gary Johnson Ahead 99 pts Among Non-Voters


GlossyNews.com – OHIO – In a stunning revelation, Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson is leading the nation by 99 points among people who have not voted, will not vote, or for other legal reasons cannot vote.

“So you mean this Gary guy likes weed and crowd surfs? Wow. Well that’s cool and stuff but I don’t vote,” said Cincinnati Municipal Jail inmate Todd Williams. Read the full story

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Romney Ahead 99 Pts Among Those Who Think Twinkies are Vegetables


GlossyNews.comCINCINNATI – The latest exit polls are showing Mitt Romney is leading President Obama by an estimated 99 points among voters who think Twinkies are a vegetable.

The results would have actually been 100% but when one Romney voter was asked what Twinkies were he responded, “footwear.” Read the full story

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Florida Voters Stand Ready to Prevent Romney Zombie Apocalypse


GlossyNews.com – MIAMI – In a state plagued by natural disasters, exploding pythons, and the strangest politics on the planet, Florida voters are bracing for the latest horror — zombie apocalypse!

(This is a guest post from Rebecca Wakefield.)

Mindless walking dead consumed by a terrible hunger have been spotted in the Sunshine State, stalking residents preparing to cast their votes in the November election. Read the full story

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Romney Promises to Stop Gorbachev from Building Catapult


GlossyNews.com – BOSTON – In a last ditch effort to win over undecided voters, Mitt Romney today promised to stop a former leader of a defunct country from building an archaic weapon capable of hitting a non-existent state.

At his Boston event office, Romney said, “To any of you out there still unsure of my resolve to keep America safe, I say this. I will stop Gorbachev from building a catapult that can hit New Dakota.” Read the full story

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Meet Howard & Marjorie Grunfeldt of Pickerington, Ohio – America’s Last Remaining Undecided Voters


With each passing week, the 2012 presidential race is getting tighter and tighter.

The most recent Gallup poll has it at 49.99999999% for Romney and 49.99999999% for Obama. A dead heat.

Scientists have discovered molecules with more space between them than these polling numbers.

Just three months ago, the number of battleground states had narrowed to eight. In the past month, it has narrowed even further – to just one state: Ohio. Both candidates have been spending so much time in this state they now know most Ohioans on a first-name basis, as well as their pets. Read the full story

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American Expatriates At a Loss What to Threaten To Do If Romney Is Elected


PRAGUE – As the 2012 U.S. presidential election approaches, the possibility of a win by Republican Mitt Romney is a cause for fear and concern among many liberal Americans across the country.

Among those most worried, however, are U.S. citizens who have already left the country to live abroad and thus now find them-selves at a loss as to what they can threaten to do in the event of a Romney victory.

“I would definitely say that I’m leaving the country if Romney is elected,” said Neil Woodward, 41, an American working as an English teacher here in the Czech capital. “But, unfortunately, I already did that after the Supreme Court unjustly handed the election to Bush in 2000.” Read the full story

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Dems Cope w/ Mid-Term Electile Dysfunction – Viagra In Short Supply


Webster’s Dictionary recently added a new phrase that pretty much sums up the problems facing the Democratic Party today as the important mid-term elections roll ever closer. Eloquently said, the new phrase has captured the imagination of conservative pundits as the predominate adjective used most often on television to describe the situation with the left. Read the full story

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Anti-Washington Sentiment Rampant in Washington


WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) – In a relentless and seemingly oxymoronic trend, more and more politicians are campaigning – successfully – on a platform of distrust of government officials. Various party primaries held in several states have shown a tendency for voters to respond enthusiastically to propaganda that portrays all politicians as soulless, parasitic hellspawn who want nothing more than to violate the rights and compromise the safety of the American people in general. Read the full story

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