For the second year in a row, the DEA has organized a drug take-back initiative event at 6 sites throughout New England to collect unused prescription medications from those residents who no longer want or need them.

Unfortunately, just like last year, the prescription medications showing up at the collection sites are just harmless, out-of-date, non-narcotic formulas, dropped off by concerned senior citizens happy to help their government out. Read the full story

Webster’s Dictionary recently added a new phrase that pretty much sums up the problems facing the Democratic Party today as the important mid-term elections roll ever closer. Eloquently said, the new phrase has captured the imagination of conservative pundits as the predominate adjective used most often on television to describe the situation with the left. Read the full story

The newest Jihadists have been instructed in a rare, word-of-mouth Al Qaeda fatwa to begin learning the most important teaching of their future suicidehood — that of preparing themselves for their final reward, the 70 black-eyed virgins. So-called “fighters” are being told to marry the widows of those who have fallen before them. They need to prepare physically for the arduous task after their suicides, how to keep 70 virgins happy in the afterlife. Read the full story

America’s iconic symbol of 1970’s sexual excess, who’s had more you know what than a porta-potty seat at Bonnaroo, if you know what I mean, today announced a new joint venture with ‘Magnum PI’ alum Tom Selleck.

Clinics will be established across the United States, to aid aging baby boomer males who can’t grow a decent moustache without professional help. Speaking to reporters, Reynolds said, “Yeah, whatever. Could be some money in it, we’ll see, huh? Ride it as long as it’s fun, just like Dolly Parton.” Read the full story

KANSAS CITY, MO (GlossyNews) — Former Sen. Bob Dole was hospitalized briefly this week, but is recovering comfortably at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center. Dole is an attorney and retired United States Senator from Kansas. Today, Dole is more widely recognized as the pen-wielding erectile dysfunction advocate and spokesperson for Viagra. Read the full story

OTTAWA, ON – After winning a lengthy legal battle for the right to keep exotic cougars on his property in rural Ontario, Buford Starwarrior was mauled to death by a 125-pound animal.

Starwarrior, a 26-year-old shut-in and aspiring comic book artist who lived in his parent’s basement, legally changed his last name from Johnston last year. Read the full story

EXTON, PA – A seventy-two-year-old man set fire to his apartment in the Sunrise Acres retirement facility last night after he had tried to light a candle but ignited the drapes instead. Gerald DeHaven told police he had taken Viagra about an hour before accidentally starting the blaze that destroyed the drapes and a futon in his apartment and forced the evacuation of the 525-member facility. Read the full story

Washington, DC (BNSE): Department of Homeland Security and Transportation Safety Administration officials gathered today to announce what they call “a stunning medical breakthrough.”

The agencies, tasked with the safety of the United States mainland and passenger air travel, claimed that despite having little or no budget for medical or health care research, “[They] have managed to find valuable secondary benefits to new security surveillance policies and procedures that not only make it safer to fly, but provide hope for those suffering from one of the agencies’ fastest growing medical conditions… male impotence.” Read the full story

Dear Hank,

I’m an 87 year old widower. I’ve just been told I’m terminally ill, with only six months left. I would like to party with 20-year-old blonde hardbodies in the time I have left, but there aren’t any in my nursing home and I’m a quadriplegic confined to my wheelchair. What are my options? Read the full story

Worry not ladies, the medical profession now unanimously accepts that it’s not your fault you no longer have the insatiable libido of a 17-year-old nympho’ and don’t ‘sexperience’ multiple juice-gushing orgasms every time you get yourself off with a rampant rabbit vibrator or freshly-chilled cucumber sheathed in a Black Mamba ribbed condom – or while getting a good doggy-style bonking across the kitchen table from the wetback beaner stud who mows your lawns. Read the full story

Philadelphia, PA – Transit workers in Philadelphia, threatening to continue their strike for a raise in more than their salaries, have won a battle with the Southern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority to have most of their health care costs covered, including full-month prescriptions for Viagra and similar prescription medicines to treat erectile dysfunction (ED). Read the full story

Chicago – In a widely anticipated appearance on the Oprah Winfrey show, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton offered her sympathy to Jenny Sanford, the wife of admitted adulterer, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. To the audience’s surprise, Mrs. Clinton then addressed nagging questions about her own marriage to Bill Clinton. Read the full story

Pfizer has released their newest series of commercials for the highly popular erectile dysfunction drug, Viagra. During a New York Yankees game last week Pfizer debuted their new commercial. The new advertising campaign abandons their previous approach of “Blue pill makes pappy happy,” in favor of their more direct demographic approach. Read the full story