Tag Archive | "unemployed"

Full-Time Mom ‘Looking to Go Part-Time’

INDIANAPOLIS – Full-time mother of three, Stephanie Grantham, 22, has indicated to friends and relatives that she is about to go part-time in an effort to advance her dwindling social life.

Miss Grantham, who has spent 5 years managing her children’s daily lives on a rolling seven day week, says she is looking to reduce her hours so that she can spend more time concentrating on shopping, hanging out with friends and consuming alcohol. Read the full story


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Unemployed Former Aerospace Engineer Says: “Stop calling me that”

CAPE CANAVERAL – Identifying labels apparently matter, at least to unemployed former aerospace engineer Fred Hackford, who is among the thousands of NASA workers being laid off by the space agency following its retirement of the space shuttle and its announced plans to cancel the development of new rockets and spacecraft.

“Hey, wait a minute,” Mr. Hackford objected. “Why did you just write that I’m an unemployed former aerospace engineer? I’m still an aerospace engineer, for God’s sake. It’s just that I lost my job.”

When asked whether “unemployed former aerospace industry worker” would be acceptable to him as an identifying label, Mr. Hackford replied, “Well, yeah, I guess that’s at least correct. But why do you have to keep using that word ‘former’? It sounds like my career is over. Why can’t you just call me an ‘unemployed aerospace engineer’? Besides, calling me a ‘former aerospace industry worker’ makes it sound as if I could have been just an equipment operator or a janitor.”

Unemployed former NASA janitor Neil Williams took issue with Mr. Hackford’s view, asking, “What do you mean that it sounds like you ‘could have been’ just a janitor, Fred? Shouldn’t you say that it sounds like you ‘could be’ just a janitor? I mean, okay, if you think that you’re still an aerospace engineer even though you lost your job, I’m cool with that. But doesn’t that mean that I’m still a janitor even though I lost mine?”

Others disagree with both men’s assessments, however, including unemployed former shop assistant Deborah Myers, whose retail position was among the 14,000 jobs at hotels, restaurants, stores and other Florida businesses impacted by NASA’s cuts.

“I don’t care whether you’re a rocket scientist or the guy who emptied the space shuttle’s toilets,” Ms. Myers said. “If you’re not doing it now, then you’re a ‘former’ whatever it was that you were doing.”

“Actually, you’re a former whoever it is that does whatever it was that you were doing,” said Rick Massey, Ms. Myers’ unemployed former boss.

“Sorry, but I have to disagree with that,” said unemployed former newspaper editor turned part-time freelance dog walker Andy Nelson. “I mean, there’s no way that I could still call myself an ‘editor’ now, even though it’s a very specialized profession that requires a lot of training. But a doctor is still a doctor, even if he or she loses a job in a hospital. That’s the same in Fred’s case, I think, as an aerospace engineer.”

“Thanks, Andy,” said Mr. Hackford. “Hey, which one of us is walking the Dobermans this week?”

Finally, also weighing in on the discussion was disgraced former New York governor and failed CNN host Eliot Spitzer, who commented, “Jeez. What is these people’s problem?”


Posted in Human InterestComments (1)

Labor Day Cancelled

Due to America’s unusually high rate of unemployment, this is the first year since Labor Day became a federal holiday in 1894 that no workers will be taking the holiday off regardless of whether or not their employers are telling them to do so.

The lucky stiffs who actually have jobs are reluctant to take a day off for fear their position will be snatched up by the people they’ve been told “are waiting in line to take your job if you don’t want it.” Read the full story


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GOP Debate in Review: Come for the Crazy, Stay for the Crazy (6 of 7)

DE BATE, NEW HAMPSHIRE —BobZaguy We’re now six-days in on our review of the recent GOP freak show debate. We’re covering seven of the leading Republican Partiers present at the debate in New Hampshire.

This recap is intended for those who tried to stay awake for the whole time, but just couldn’t do it. It’s also for anyone who didn’t watch who needs the skinny on what went down. Read the full story


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John Boehner Claims Unemployed Should Work for Their Benefits

Republican House Speaker hopeful, John Boehner, recently commenting on the vote to extend unemployment benefits for the nation’s millions of unemployed workers, claimed that no one in this country should be getting a free ride. “If the unemployed want to collect unemployment benefits, then by God they should have to work for them” was the sentiment from Boehner. Read the full story


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Gun & Beer Sales Up, Foreclosures Down in Michigan

MIDDLE AMERICA, USA (GlossyNews) — Folks facing financial ruin in Michigan have finally come up with a solution to losing their homes to banks through the foreclosure process. They are taking their unemployment checks and purchasing rifles to fend off anyone looking to evict them from the homes they’ve worked so hard over the years to buy. They’re also buying beer necessary to keep their bravado up as they attempt to stave off those who are hell bent on taking what’s left of their dignity. Read the full story


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YouTube Goes Down — Bored Millions Panic

SAN BRUNO, CA (GlossyNews) — YouTube, the popular video networking site, was unavailable today due to technical difficulties. The site, which attracts millions of users from across the globe, was down for one hour while technicians attempted to rectify the problem. Bored, unemployed people everywhere awoke to the outage, and panicked.

“They were left to their own devices in attempting to fill the first few hours of their day,” said Stan Rossmore, head of the International Institute Of Boredom. Read the full story


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Hoekstra Sets Preemptive 2010 Yemeni Strike

Lansing, MI – Rep. Pete Hoekstra (R-Mich.) publicly stated his plans for the Michigan National Guard if he wins election as Governor in 2010: “I’ll lead a preemptive strike to Yemen. I’ve been leading on national security for the last nine years in Congress. Trying to drive this administration in a policy direction that keeps America safe. Obama hasn’t shown interest in my concerns here, so I intend to strike with the reconstituted Michigan National Guard in Yemen.” stated Hoekstra with a satisfied grin. Read the full story


Posted in War ZoneComments (1)

Simon Cowell to Leave American Idol for Walmart

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Wednesday afternoon, American Idol sensational judge Simon Cowell announced that concluding the up and coming season he would leave the popular show. The announcement didn’t come as much of a surprise to the entertainment industry or the American Public.

“It was a long time coming. He was ruining his career anyways,” says Alexis Riggins, a diehard American Idol fan. Read the full story


Posted in TelevisionComments (0)

Successful Corporate Excuses For Being Late To Work

My Excuses For Being Late To Work

Welcome to my world. This is my first of hopefully many columns about life in the workplace. My column is dedicated to everyday workers. Thank you Mr. CEO, but I can’t event count how much you’re making. Read the full story


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