Tag Archive | "TSA"

4K Glossy News Podcast 023 (12-28-15)


Year End podcast, but it really it’s just as awesome as all of them.

All of this is available in UHD on YouTube by searching “Glossy Podcast” or as an MP3 on iTunes by searching “Glossy News”.

Here are the topics covered in the the December 28th, 2015 4K/UHD Christmas podcast.

* How to deal with YouTube’s draconian copyright notice system, and when to just let it go. Read the full story

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Posted in Podcasts, Video NewsComments (0)

Fan Donations to the NFL on the Rise


NEW YORK – Many American football fans may not realize that the National Football League (NFL) is not a corporation, but a tax-exempt organization.

Recently some real die-hard fans have been donating money to their beloved NFL, even though their donations are not tax-deductible.

“Football is my life,” says Wayne Smetsky of Green Bay, Wisconsin, who recently donated $500 to the NFL. Read the full story

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Posted in Entertainment, Sports EventsComments (2)

Jet-Wheel Stowaway Forces Airports to Increase Security Illusions


SAN JOSE, CALIF. — Following a 15-year-old boy’s recent stowaway ride across the Pacific Ocean, authorities at San Jose International Airport say they plan to work with the FAA in an effort to step up their security illusions, sources report.

According to San Jose International Airport Spokesperson Janet Bavory, “Our illusions of security failed us this time. In the future, however, we vow to increase the number of pretend security measures in order to make sure that such a devastating terror attack doesn’t almost happen ever again.” Read the full story

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Posted in Travel, War ZoneComments (0)

TSA Agent Impregnates Passenger


In news which may come as a huge shock to frequent flyers in the United States, Leanne Ackerman, 28, was somehow accidentally impregnated by a TSA agent of the same gender during an enhanced security pat-down, popularly known as the ‘TSA Grope’.

“It’s the only way I could have become pregnant, really,” Ms. Ackerman said, breastfeeding her two-month-old son during our interview.

“The woman obviously didn’t change her gloves between me and the last passenger she examined like she’s supposed to, or she engaged in some sexual act with one of her male colleagues while wearing them, so when she thrust her fingers into my vajayjay multiple times, she must have carried sperm into it from those gloves. I mean, I’ve never had a partner and I’m still a virgin, so I couldn’t have become pregnant any other way.” Continue reading

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Posted in Crooked Cops, TravelComments (2)

Chubby SouthWest Passenger Buys 2nd Seat, Denied 2nd Meal


Davis “Name withheld” Johnnson, or as we’ll anonymously call him, “Davis” has been a frequent business flier on SouthWest since the internet startup he’s employed with boomed in 2001. Normally he buys two seats and gets two meals.

“Hey, if I’m going to be that random fat guy, I have to accept that I’m going to have to buy two seats. I get that,” Said Davis anonymously, from his non-descript home at 42 Hummingbird Lane, Oakland, California, just past the green house with all the goofy yard ornaments. Read the full story

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Posted in Society, Strange PeopleComments (0)

Report: TSA Agents Receive Eternal Cavity Searches in Hell


Washington is ablaze with fury after one of Satan’s lieutenants accidentally leaked the conditions of punishment for TSA agents in Hell, which include cavity searches that never ever end.

Buroz Baliferous, a lower demon who works under Satan in the Department of Purgatory Projects, mistakenly emailed details of how the federal workers are treated when they pass through hell’s front gate after a life of pan-molestation to Congressman Hank Johnson’s office. Read the full story

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Airports to Employ Eunuchs for Enhanced-Invasive Screening


New York – GlossyNews.com – According to informed sources the government has come up with an imaginative solution to the problem of invasive image scanning at airports.

Many travelers, especially women, have complained about the fact that the new scanning technology in effect showed them naked to the TSA screening attendant. And they have been equally unhappy about the alternative, being “patted-down.” Read the full story

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Montel Williams Caught w/ Drug Pipe; Sounds Like Episode of Montel


So here’s something fun and weird. Montel Williams was cited by the Milwaukee County Sheriff’s Office for possession of a marijuana pipe at the airport in Milwaukee. But is it strange that he had the pipe, that he was flying, or that he was in Milwaukee? Read the full story

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, TelevisionComments (1)

Snow Miser put on ‘No Fly’ list


Mr. Snow Miser who played, well the ‘Snow Miser’, on the hit Christmas television special, The Year Without a Santa Claus, discovered to his dismay that he has been put on the TSA’s ‘No Fly’ list.

Mr. Miser, who was trying to get back to his home in the Arctic, didn’t find out that he was on the terrorist watch list until he tried to check in at New York’s Kennedy airport. “You got to be snowballing me”, he said bitterly when informed of the news. Read the full story

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, TravelComments (0)

TSA Anger Leads Nudist Airlines to Growth, Uprising


Nature Air CEO Calvin Klavan is quick to tell reporters he doesn’t like the term ‘nudist.’ “We’re not nudists; we’re naturists. When you cloth-backs go to the zoo, do you marvel at the ‘nude’ animals? No, of course you don’t. Yes, we’re a damned profitable business. But first and foremost we’re a movement whose time has arrived.”

He spoke to Glossy News this week from Nature Air’s Vista Verdad, AZ corporate offices, about the fledgling carrier’s stunning recent success. Read the full story

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TSA Screener Detects Testicular Cancer in Traveler, Saves Life.


SAN NARCISO, Calif. — Ceremonies will be held today in honor of William Fallopian, a local San Narciso boy turned hero. Fallopian, son of Mike Fallopian, a well known Yoyodyne executive and chairman of the Peter Pinguid Society, works for the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) at Los Angeles International Airport. Fallopian garnered national attention last week when, during a routine full body screening, he detected testicular cancer in a traveler waiting for clearance at the security checkpoint. Read the full story

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Posted in Human Interest, PoliticsComments (1)

TSA Groping Incident Attracts New Employees to Agency


LOS ANGELES, Calif. (Glossy News) — Since the recent incident between Southern California resident John Tyner and the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), which involved the now infamous “groping” scandal, travelers are debating whether to continue moving about the Land of the Free by plane. Several civil liberties organizations have gone so far as to urge fliers to forgo air travel on November 24, historically the busiest day in airports across the country. Read the full story

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Posted in Politics, TravelComments (1)

Homeland Security Calls on Superman to Help Passenger Screening


In a move to help quell the uproar over airport full-body scanners, Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano put in a personal call to the Man of Steel asking for help, despite doubts about his very existence.

The growing backlash from passengers, pilots and airlines themselves has prompted an emergency meeting between the DHS and TSA to look for a solution just before the busiest holiday travel season of the year officially kicks off. Read the full story

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Posted in Technology, TravelComments (2)

TSA Screeners Get X-Ray Vision Glasses ($1.98 Each) Plus 2 Wheaties Box Tops


Boston, MA – GlossyNews – The TSA announced a new weapon in the fight against terrorism. All agents will be issued a set of X-ray vision glasses as part of an overall upgrade and proceeds from a grant from DC Comics.

The glasses, once thought to be an inferior item found in the classifieds of comic books and magazines, attracted the attention of Homeland Security purchasing agents who are always on the lookout for new items and other stupid ways to waste taxpayers money. Read the full story

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, War ZoneComments (0)

Airport Screenings to Include CT Scans, MRIs, Dental Cleanings


WASHINGTON, D.C. (Glossy News) — Last December, following a foiled terrorist airline attack, airports implemented full body scans, prompting many air travelers to wonder what additional security procedures they would have to endure. The wondering can stop. Yesterday, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) announced a comprehensive battery of new health care-friendly airport screenings. In addition to full body scans, air travelers will now be able to get free CAT scans, MRIs, dental cleanings and even yearly physicals while going through security. Read the full story

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Jesus Added to ‘No Fly’ list


Cairo, Illinois (GlossyNews) TSA director Laurie Partridge faced harsh questions this week in her appearance before the House sub-Committee for Members We don’t know What to do With.

Ms. Partridge explained to the allegedly powerful HCMWW, the Savior of the world was in no way singled out; it shouldn’t be seen as a religion thing.

Sitting next to her legal counsel Adam Lambert, who was wearing a stylish red Versace leather jacket, Ms. Partridge said, “We don’t profile people, but we do profile people, right?” Read the full story

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