Tag Archive | "Tiger Woods"

Tiger Breadsticks His Way Back Into The Masters

Jupiter Island, Florida – Despite withdrawing from the Masters earlier in the week after having unavoidable back surgery, Tiger Woods unexpectedly announced Thursday evening that he is back in the tournament and credits “the almighty breadstick” for helping him make a speedy recovery.

“His recuperation defies the laws of medicine and the capabilities of the human body. It demonstrates the healing power that this once complimentary item with the purchase of any entrée has and how much we still have to learn about them.” Said Tiger’s former Coach, Hank Haney, while watching an overjoyed Woods swing his club through a breaded ball, sending it almost seven feet into the air and into a pit of hot butter and garlic. Read the full story


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Tiger Woods Unable To Play In Masters After Successful Penisectomy

Tiger Woods announced Tuesday that he has undergone a successful penisectomy for a vestigial weiner that has been haunting him for several years.

The surgery was performed Monday in Park City, Utah, by neurosurgeon Dr. Charles Ima Richer. The procedure was successful, but Woods will be unable to chip them in from green side bunkers for the foreseeable future. Read the full story


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Tiger Woods Dropped By Gatorade – Threatens To Leave U.S.

BARRINGTON, IL (GlossyNews) –Tiger Woods has threatened to leave the United States if Gatorade’s decision makers do not bend over backward, swallow their pride and reinstate their sponsorship. Sources close to Woods confirmed that the troubled golfer will leave the country temporarily to give Gatorade time for reflection, or as Woods’ spokesperson told reporters, “to reconsider their future involvement with Tiger.” He said that should the sports drink manufacturer remain firm in its resolve to cut all financial ties with Woods, the golfer would extend indefinitely his hiatus abroad. Read the full story


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Sarah Palin Is a Woman for All Seasons

Sarah Palin has been called many things: touchstone, villain, heroine, MILF, you name it. What cannot be denied, however, is the fact that Palin is a towering public figure—the sort of lightning rod that people are willing to dance with in order to gin up interest in their own causes.

When John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running mate, PayPal was nearly brought to its secure-system knees as millions of hockey moms rushed to contribute to the McCain campaign. Coincidentally, even greater numbers of soccer moms and latte liberals contributed to Barack Obama’s campaign as soon as they heard Ms. Palin open her mouth, you betcha. There’s obviously a fine line between dancing with a lightning rod and sticking your tongue on one. Read the full story


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Ask Hank – Missteps, Mistresses and Misfortunes

Dear Hank,

I’ve been stringing along this lovely mistress for over a year. How do I tell her that my wife and I are now expecting triplets? We spent an in vitro fortune to get them, so I can no longer pretend she’s dying of lymphoma, so what should I do? Read the full story


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Bowling Scandal Diverts Negative Attention from Tiger Woods

CHEYENNE, WY – Still recovering from the Tiger Woods scandal, the sports world finds itself mired in yet another public spectacle.

Three-time PBA tour champion Slim “Fats” Fettwanst is suing Lurlene Jenks, owner of the “Preemptive Strikes” 32-lane bowling alley just outside Cheyenne, Wyoming. Jenks stands accused of damaging Fettwanst’s equipment during a crucial moment in the final rounds of the tournament. Read the full story


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Tiger Woods No Longer Wants Sex

Number One golfer Tiger Woods, and the doctors treating him for sex addiction, claim he has made a complete recovery and no longer has any desire for sex at all.

Woods admitted himself into a sex rehab center in Hattiesburg, Mississippi after admitting to enjoying sex with no fewer than 100 women in the course of one year. After intensive therapy he no longer craves sex at all and hopes he never has sex again.

“Sex is icky and scary”, Woods told reporters. “I hope I never do that to myself again!” Read the full story


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Tiger Woods Still Wants Sex

After spending six weeks in the Gentle Path rehabilitation center near Hattiesburg, Mississippi, where he was treated for chronic sexual addiction, Tiger Woods apparently still craves sex, according to sources.

“Tiger’s wife, Elin Nordegren, came to pick him up from the clinic,” an unnamed clinician told Glossy News. “She was looking pretty hot and it appeared to me that he had a boner! Either that or he was trying to smuggle a huge banana out in his pocket!”

Woods was not allowed to have sex of any sort at the clinic. Even masturbation was forbidden. Read the full story


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Might Tiger Woods Be Suffering from Performance Anxiety?

It was reported that the Friday deadline at 5 p.m. to sign up for next week’s Accenture Match Play golf event was another World Golf Championship event missed by Tiger Woods. It’s reported that he missed the entry deadline for the Dove Mountain event beginning this week as well.

This leads many to wonder if Tiger is suffering from Performance Anxiety. Thoughts of “Will I come out on top again?” “How will I measure up this time out?” and “Can I go the distance or peter out early?” may be running around in Tiger’s head. All we can tell him is that eventually, he’s gonna have to get back on that filly and ride, no matter how painful it might be for him. It just has to be done if he’s gonna get back into the game and make a go again of doing what Tiger Woods does best. Play a round.


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Tiger Woods Converts to Mormonism, Declares 2nd Wife – Seeking More?

Salt Lake City, UT – Thurl Bailey step aside, the LDS Church will soon have a new spokesmodel. In a bizarre turn of events yesterday morning, LDS Church elders in Salt Lake City announced that Tiger Woods has decided to join the Mormon Church.

Woods, who has been searching for meaning to his life like a bum searching for change, stumbled upon two Mormon missionaries over the Christmas holidays and has embraced the faith. Read the full story


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2009 Glossy News Erratta … err Errata & Errors a Plenty

The Glossy News, in an effort to bring you the finest, most accurate and comprehensive news available, has compiled this errata information after a review of articles published in 2009. Although we do technically wish to apologize for any errors that may have crept into our news stories from time to time throughout the year, we do so with an air of lackadaisical indifference. Read the full story


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Psychic to the Stars Makes 2010 Predictions

Chrystal Ball, self-proclaimed Psychic to the Stars has just released her predictions for the upcoming year in the entertainment industry. “Keep this list handy,” cooed Chrystal, “because you are going to have shivers running up and down your body when all my predictions come true.” Here are her top ten predictions for 2010:

1. Steven Spielberg and George Lucas are teaming up yet again to make a movie that is so big it will not be able to be shown in any movie theatre. It will have to be shown holographically into the atmosphere. Since, hypothetically speaking, it will be visible by anyone Read the full story


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Psychologists Work to Help Celebs Struggling with Gorgeous Wives

Rising to meet the current celebrity fiasco involving extra-marital affairs, Hollywood based Psychological Resources group has set up a new service to aid those stars who are unable to keep their sexual organs within the family sphere of things. Starting a group called “What the Hell Is Wrong with You? Don’t You Know How Good You Got It?” it will attempt to make it clear to interned celebrities that they have it sexually about as well as you can ever get it. Read the full story


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Tiger Records Rock Album in Effort to Change Image

Miami Beach FL (GlossyNews) – As the great Jerry Lee Lewis once sang: “Too much love drives a man insane.” Tiger Woods took a page from the Killer’s book last week and finished recording his own solo album.

The 14 track CD, tentatively titled ‘Can’t Tame This Tiger’, includes his renditions of a number of classic hits such as “Teddy Bear”, “Shot Through The Heart”, “You’re All I’ve Got Tonight”, “Satisfaction”, Read the full story


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Ask Hank: Advice on Golf Masters, Mistresses and Bawdy Birdies

Dear Hank,

My wife recently found out that I’ve been seeing some other women and now it seems like I’m in all kinds of trouble. She knew when we met that I was a swinger but now she’s pretending like she thought she was the only one I allowed to touch my balls. And the women I was (and secretly am still) allegedly playing around with on the side found out about each other, and now my job is in trouble. I make a lot of money in advertising, you know in marketing products and the like, but now my wife wants to divorce me and take my kids. Read the full story


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Dr. Phil Offers Free Psychological Counseling to Tiger Woods

Dr. Phil McGraw, America’s favorite unlicensed psychologist and self-proclaimed therapist to the stars, has offered to provide Tiger Woods with free psychological counseling if it will help him “get real” again.

In an interview between Dr. Phil and Tiger last week on the set of The View, Tiger agreed to be asked certain questions by Dr. Phil in public so that America could get a first-hand look at what was really happening in Tiger’s life and understand the long recovery road he has in front of him. Here are the highlights of that interview: Read the full story


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