Storm has DC Scrambling for Staples

WASHINGTON, D.C.— It all began innocently enough with light flakes around noon in downtown D.C. Forecasters warned of 30 inches or more of heavy, wet snow and powerful winds. Devastating for Washington. It would become the heaviest snowfall since January 1922 in the nation’s capital.

The city’s biggest snowfall is believed to have occurred in 1772, before official records were kept. George Washington and Thomas Jefferson each made diary entries for that day claiming “maybe 3 feet of that ‘damn sticky’ snow fell on this fair city of Washington.” Attempts to verify this claim were futile as both the Smithsonian and the Library of Congress were closed. Also Newt Gingrich, D.C.’s unofficial snow job historian, was not answering his cell.

Congressional aides and local shoppers jammed store aisles and emptied them of staples, even shovels, ahead of the monster bearing down with 30 inches or more forecast for the nation’s capital. Many found they were too late.

New homeowner Vladimir Script was at the Home Depot in Falls Church, Va. “I was looking for staples and of course they’re out,” said Script, 42. “Now I’m just hoping they have a heavy-duty 3-hole paper punch and 500 3-ring binders, so I can make my committee’s presentation deadline. No one will be around to see it for days, but I’ll bust my ass to make my deadline.”

Anna Benguiat, a congressional aide, went back to her local Walgreen’s in D.C.’s Dupont Circle “to get out of the house one last time, before the storm,” as she said. “The office supply shelves and bins here are still empty. It just seems like people are panicking. I don’t think it’s going to be too bad,” Benguiat said. “As long as I got power and satellite service, I’ll be fine. Stapling together my Senate committee report will just have to wait.”

The federal government, surprisingly the region’s largest employer, told all staff workers they could take Friday off as unplanned leave. Noting that the Senate and House members had left on Wednesday night as usual, there was no reason to staff the offices on Friday. Congressional members are expected to return sometime on the following Tuesday, weather permitting.

In response to the general escape from the Capitol town, airlines canceled all incoming and outgoing Friday flights at the Washington airports. Amtrak canceled all of Thursday’s inbound trains, which had the effect of cancelling all of the outbound Friday trains.

When contacted, an unidentified Amtrak official said, “Like we thought, since no one would be around, what’s the sense of sending in empty trains only to get stranded there. Have you ever, like, been in DC when nothing’s going on? Like, it’s not pretty.”

Washington, D.C. mayor, Adrian M. Fenty, said the city is “…tapping into it’s emergency maintenance funds. Once that reserve is exhausted,” he continued, “the city will have to dip into the congressional methadone maintenance funds to try to cover its costs. Nothing’s sacred here.”

Author: BobZaguy

Gender: Male Astrological Sign: Scorpio Zodiac Year: Horse Occupation: Graphic Design Location: Chicago : IL : United States Wine and graphic design… inseparable. Interests Barflies & Lemonade Favorite Movies Anything with Paul Newman; sauce, lemonade, sex; not in that order. Favorite Music Classical Second Favorite Jazz Favorite Books Underworld–Don DeLillo Favorite Movies "I ain't got no favorite movies, well maybe just that Bambi"