Tag Archive | "taxes"

Glossy News Soccer, um, Football Round-up (2/2)

Football Legend

Self-styled, very much self-stylish, and scandalously glossy-cape-porting Caliph Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi has made thinking about football, dreaming about football, or otherwise being remotely aware of the historical existence of football, an unforgivable and inexcusable hate crime against The Greater Good.

Back of the Old Onion Swag

And on a completely unrelated note to the latter tyrannical and highly bureaucratic measure, the UK Government have passed a new benevolently-Tory-paternalistic motion. Read the full story


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Glossy News Soccer, um, Football Round-up (1/2)

The new season has already started over here, so time to take a more politically-conscious eye at the footballing world. Read the full story


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Harry Reid Takes on Bundy Family, Al says “Let’s Rock”

(Nevada) – Senate Majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV) has doubled down on his name calling by referring to the Bundy family as ‘domestic terrorists’ after the Bundy home became a lightning rod for controversy involving unpaid taxes.

The situation began after patriarch Al Bundy refused to pay taxes on Big ‘Uns magazines as well as Bon-Bons and hair care products for wife Peggy.

“Those things are basic essentials, like food and water,” proclaimed Al. “You can’t tax hooters! It’s un-American!”
Read the full story


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Ten Year Government Study Concludes People Like Beaches

Amity Island, FL – A recently completed government financed study of people’s weekend and holiday habits has concluded that people like beaches.

“We weren’t sure why people were going to the seashore.” said lead research scientist Phil Pockets. “Was it something encoded in our DNA? Did people feel socially obligated to build sand castles and sing songs while roasting marshmallows around a bonfire? Nobody knew.” Read the full story


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High Unemployment Rate Leads to Rise in Suckers

Wash. D.C.- At the Bureau of Labor Statistics, economists announced the unemployment rate had not changed in any significant way, there was one sector of the economy that had grown unexpectedly.

“Scams are in,” says notable economist Tim Kane. “Although the numbers are hard to track, I think we have found ourselves a new, American, cottage industry. It’s good to see some of the unemployed take initiative to scam their fellow indigents, thus employimg them in the scamming sector of the economy.”

“With the high volume of patsies available and ease of scamming using the Internet, distress and overwhelming need were all that was needed to set this market off.”

Scams had been traditionally off shored to places like Nigeria, a country whose princes seem to always be held up by bureaucratic bank procedure.

Other offshore scamming tactics have been your relative in dire straits on a European vacation, poor south-east Asian farm girls who need financial assistance to make it to America to sleep in big comfy beds with big strong American man, or the old fashioned fake ransom in South America.

Ben Bernanke stated that this, “was exactly what this jobs market needed. I knew that the void created by the economic stagnation would only give way to another emerging market. It was only a matter of time American ingenuity would catch up to the need. The unemployed are a perfect source of dupes, fools, and saps that this fledgling industry relies on.”

“The unemployed are so desperate, their gullibility has reached an all time high,” explained John M. Galvin, acting commissioner of the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

“With such a high volume of potential suckers out there, some one was bound to take advantage of the opportunity. This makes the unemployment rate somewhat self regulated. It’ll all sort itself out once every one jumps on the scam band wagon. It’s the fastest growing sector of our economy today.”

The new American made scamming techniques include needing potential employees to submit a credit check to get social security numbers, “Free iPad” in craigslist jobs postings, and fake charitable organizations for those particularly hopeless stooges who believe karma is effecting their luck with job searches.

Nobel-Prize winner, Paul Krugman, tried simplifying this phenomenon in a lecture at Princeton. He stated that, “this isn’t the first time in history we’ve seen an emergence in scamming.

After most of the south was burnt to the ground after the Civil War, carpetbaggers moved in to take advantage of the overwhelming melancholy facing the destroyed infrastructure of the south. There isn’t too much different about today. There is a portion of the population who deem it necessary to take advantage of the dire needs of the unemployed.”

Although most of the revenue gained from scamming largely goes unaccounted for, Tim Kane reassures the American public that “Not all untaxable sources of revenue are a bad thing. GE payed 0% of billions in revenues, these scam artists are a relative drop in the bucket. The revenue from these scams are redistributed back in the economy when the perpetrators buy consumer goods and services, keeping local economies afloat.”

He went on to add, “Ponzi Schemes are scams that destroy our economy, particularly by victimizing job creators. Although I will say, these swindlers are well on their way to becoming the next generation of business leaders. It’s all just a matter of business models.”


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The Prosperity Preschool

About this time last year, I found myself confronted with a daunting task: enrolling my son in a preschool. As all American parents know, it’s a choice upon which a child’s entire future can hinge, and requires diligence, focus, and tenacity.

I should say that I needed to enroll him in a new preschool, since, like any high-achieving three year-old, he was already attending school, and since, as with the previous schools, the current one wasn’t quite working out. Let’s say it was a disaster. Yes, the teachers were nice, the students too, but their values were utterly un-American. Read the full story


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GOP Debate: You Went Black, Now Go Back (7 of 7)

DE BATE, NEW HAMPSHIRE —BobZaguy Recently, seven of the leading extremists of the Tea Party Republicans debated in New Hampshire.

This recap is intended for those who tried to stay awake for the whole time, but couldn’t. It’s also OK for anyone who didn’t watch at all to go through this and get a fix on what went down. Read the full story


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Federal Workforce May Have Topped 3-Million, or Maybe Not

Washington DC – GlossyNews.com – According to the most recent government data available, Uncle Sam’s civilian workforce may have topped 3 million as of March 1, 2010, says spokeswoman Audrey Slaberman.

“This is a truly remarkable achievement,” says Slaberman, “that over the course of the worst economic downturn in eighty years the federal bureaucracy continued to put on fat just as it did in the previous upturn. Presidents come and go all claiming they will slenderize this insatiable beast but it just grows and grows.” Read the full story


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Engraved Tax Bills Sent To British Taxpayers on Eve of Royal Wedding

Reports are coming out of England that part of the cost of throwing one of the most lavish weddings of the decade will be borne by British taxpayers. Unfortunately, with the economy pretty much still on a downward slide, this news could not have come at a worse time for the royal subjects.

To soften the blow, the Queen has come up with a plan that she hopes will take the sting out of bearing some of the burden for a wedding that is rumored to be overpriced and which most of them may only get to attend by watching it on the telly. Read the full story


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Hooray For Me, F**k You: Filthy Rich Protest for More Wealth

NEW YORK – Jumping on the protest bandwagon, which began with a carefully orchestrated campaign of coddled working and middle class protesters in Wisconsin and elsewhere fighting to retain their grossly overpaid wages and awesome HMO benefits, the wealthy minority of America’s oppressed upper class are staging a counter protest to keep their inheritances and legally stolen wealth, plus interest. Read the full story


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Wealthiest Americans Expected to Seek Asylum with Lakota Nation

Three years ago a delegation of four Oglala Sioux Tribe members took their Declaration of Sovereignty to Washington, D.C. declaring themselves a separate nation. While the declaration has not been formally accepted by the United States State Department, the newly formed Lakota Nation is determined to go forward with plans to have their nation recognized by the United Nations. Meetings with various heads of state from such countries as Venezuela and Bolivia have been met with respect and solidarity. Read the full story


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Tax Refunds Revealed as Giant Ponzi Scheme

Washington, DC (GlossyNews) — Investigators have uncovered a multi-trillion dollar financial fraud so massive and widespread it has victimized nearly every household in America for decades.

According to investigators the so-called “Tax Refund Pyramid” employs many of the same techniques as other financial frauds, but on a much larger scale.

“On one level, this monumental scheme simply gives people back some of the money it already collected from them,” said one investigator. “But the parent organization’s finances are so shaky it has to resort to heavy borrowing and even print its own money just to do that.” Read the full story


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Gordon “Gordy” Chastain, Philanthropist, Inventor, Diplomat, Dead at Age 4

Biloxi, MS (GlossyNews) — Gordon P Chastain, better known to the world as “Gordy” Chastain has died before his time, at the age of four, due to complications from malnutrition and insufficient pediatric medical care.

The child, who was to become one of the world’s most powerful men, died in the arms of a social worker because the programs which kept him alive through to adolescence had been slashed or never funded. Read the full story


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Important Tips For Tax Deductions (Regardless of What Your Brother-In-Law Says)

Alcatraz, CA – Thinking about deducting those drinks that you had Friday night as a business expense? You are not alone. Looking for some last minute tax deductions? Well, we can’t help you, but we do have some tips on deductions to help you avoid the wrath of the IRS. IRS 1040 Tax Form. Read the full story


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Clinton Tells Paki’s – “Tax ’em & Be Damned”

The US Secretary of State, Hilarious Rodent Clinton, in yet another typical menopausal outburst – yesterday rebuked Pakistani government officials for pleading they couldn’t afford to wage an all-out war against Taliban Dan and his gang of Jolly Jihadi insurgents infiltrating the northern provinces of the basket case country due the government coffers being emptier than Old Mother Hubbard’s recession-hit cupboard. Read the full story


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