Tag Archive | "surveillance"

Homeland Security Now Monitoring RPG Freaks

As the late, great George Formby once said:

Jihadi choppers and role playing gamers.

One is a socially useless gaggle of sexually frustrated virgins with borderline genius tech skills and a devastatingly parasitical porn addiction, the other…

Oh wait, did I get that one the right way around?

Well, anyhoo. After cruising myriad webcam sites and perusing the most cutting edge ‘amateur cinema’ the dark web has to offer, Homeland Security are now monitoring RPG fans.

The ever-swelling US intel budget has to provide value for money; so nowadays, even borderline false-positive rebels and largely specious treasonous insurrectionists have to be monitored, in order to cover all bases.

Keyboard Border Guard and Not-So-Intersectional-Radical-Meninist Jeffy H. Buckminster IV says: Read the full story


Posted in EntertainmentComments (0)

Surveillance Race, Surveillance Race: Parody Tribute to Motorhead’s Lemmy

Lemmy is already giving ’em hell down there! A true legend, and I really hope he would have liked this one.

Meme above sourced from: http://www.quickmeme.com/lemmy-1

If you are a hacker, and a freedom-loving man
Woman, child, poor, rich, all the same to me
The pleasure is to play, and punk the NSA
Surveillance Race! Surveillance Race!

Surfed another data flow, reached another level
Mainframe walls are gonna blow, it’s all a game to me,
Storm the gates of Heaven, Big Data is Watching You
I ain’t gonna quit, NSA ain’t got shit!
Surveillance Race! Surveillance Race! Read the full story


Posted in Entertainment, MusicComments (0)

Kris Kringle Appointed Head of NSA

Phoenix, AZ- He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. Now he hears who you are talking to so be good for goodness sake.

The “Jolly Old Man,” otherwise known as Kris Kringle has been appointed to the coveted Director of the National Security Agency replacing Keith Alexander.

This new partnership between Washington and the North Pole will help both parties as this gives Santa new tools to add people to his naughty list. Read the full story


Posted in PoliticsComments (2)

Business Lesson #74: Build team loyalty with self-guided mobile spy robots

If there’s one thing nearly every American can agree on it’s that having aerial surveillance cameras capable of eavesdropping on our every move from outer space is a wonderful thing.

Oh, sure, sometimes surveillance cameras can be used for evil, like the time they caught this journalist doing 45 in a 35 mph zone. But video technology can also be used for good – say, to observe remotely whether employees are wasting time at work playing video games, when they should be wasting time pretending to make sales calls.

That at least appears to be the thinking behind a new, state-of-the art mobile video robot called the Ava 500, a name most experts consider a far better name than the original idea: the Self-Navigational Operations Observational Prototype (SNOOP for short).

The Ava 500 is the world’s “first self-driving business collaboration robot,” according to the manufacturer’s cheery marketing brochure. Now, business executives can collaborate with employees without leaving their corner office, using a mobile robot with a two-way video camera that lets them roam the halls or join in on team meetings remotely. Employees will love it.

Want to check in on your crew of illegal Mexican factory workers to see if they are keeping pace with their production quota of 1,500 sneakers per hour? No problem. With the press of a button, you can remotely walk along the assembly line floor to inspect the quality of their work, without leaving your yacht in the Caymans. Hey, looks like it’s already been ten minutes and Pedro’s still not back from his five-minute lunch break. Uh oh. Pedro’s got some ‘splaining to do.

The Ava 500 is built by iRobot, the same company that brought you the Roomba, a self-guided mini-vacuum robot and the perfect tool for terrorizing house cats. Skeptics scoff that the Ava 500 resembles a rolling parking meter. But don’t be confused. The Ava 500 doesn’t take quarters. But it does take incredibly detailed videos of whatever managers want to observe, including that stash of pot Pedro left on his desk. Oh, Pedro is so fired. And thanks to the Ava 500, firing employees from 2,000 miles away has never been easier.

Companies are using this powerful mobile video robot to improve communication with remote locations, cut down on travel costs of busy executives and improve employee morale. With fewer visits from assholes from Corporate, employees have never been happier – especially when they gather round to watch the Ava 500 unsuccessfully attempt to negotiate its way down a flight of stairs. It’s hilarious.

robot bosses - RoombaAnd now that companies have Ava 500s roaming every production line floor and bank of cubicles, they are seeing dramatic gains in productivity, thanks to the fact that employees’ moves are now under 24/7 scrutiny. However, Facebook status updates appear to have fallen noticeably since the arrival of these mobile office droids. Experts caution that it is possible to abuse how managers employ this state-of-the-art video robot technology and suggest some basic Dos and Don’ts.

DO give your robot a friendly name like Charlie, Todd or perhaps Thad, to make employees feel less threatened.

DON’T have “Charlie” swing by your employees’ cubicles every fifteen minutes asking “Have you submitted your TPS report yet?” Unless they’ve seen the film Office Space, they won’t get the joke.

DO use it to facilitate brainstorming sessions between Corporate and your manufacturing plant about how to eliminate waste in the production process.

DON’T have it stand next to Pedro with an arrow pointing at Pedro and saying the words “Here’s a way to eliminate waste.”

DO remember to reboot your robot periodically. The software is still a bit buggy.

DON’T use the AVA 500 to spy on employees in the break room to see if they’re smoking or drinking in violation of company rules. (Use the AVA 630 Micro Bot instead– installs in any overhead light fixture in minutes. They’ll never even notice it.)

robot bosses - HallwayDO encourage employees to try using the AVA 500 on their own so they can see how it can help them.

DON’T encourage employees to ride around the factory floor on Ava’s back. Or attempt to ride her down 5th Avenue during Rush Hour. Or attempt to have sex with her. I trust the reasons for all of these do not require elaboration.

Companies that have installed this exciting new technology have observed a 36% drop in employee theft, a 49% drop in workplace drinking, and an 85% drop in employees wanting to work there anymore.

Bert Kowalski of Waukesha, WI was so impressed by the potential of this technology that he has installed one to monitor his kids’ behavior in the house while he’s at work. He named his robot Margaret. Bert reported that recently his younger daughter insisted she was home alone all day, reading the biography of Abraham Lincoln, but thanks to Margaret’s 20 mega-pixel retinal imaging camera, Bert could see that she had her boyfriend over and they were, well, let’s just say they did not learn much about Abraham Lincoln.

Bert shared that he thought about going into her room for a father-daughter talk on the importance of trust, but that seemed an inefficient use of his time. Instead, thanks to Margaret, Bert was able to lecture her from the comfort of his bed while watching the Milwaukee Brewers game on TV.

Or at least he thought I could do that. Turns out Bert’s wife lectured him about privacy rights and told him never to do it again. How did she know that Bert had done it, we asked? Bert relied, “Turns out Margaret is a snitch. Damn.”


Posted in Biz News, Science & TechnologizzyComments (1)

Edward Snowden Warns: National Security Agency (NSA) Is Watching You Masturbate

Government whistleblower Edward Snowden warned US citizens today that the NSA has confiscated the cameras of all computers and they are surreptitiously watching all Americans masturbate.

“Even when you don’t think you’re online or even when your computer is turned off the US government is watching you and keeping a record of your activities”, the activist claimed. “When you masturbate you should keep the camera away from where they might see you!”

NSA officials were quick to deny Snowden’s report. “That’s ridiculous!” said NSA Director Keith Alexander. “The only people we watch masturbating are suspected terrorists, felons suspected of terrorist activities and others who may become terrorists!”

Some Americans claim they have seen NSA monitoring them. Ms. Paula Glasscock, a secretary from the law firm of Hoar & Hoar, was masturbating while watching a video on a popular porn site when a video image of an NSA agent popped onto her screen. “The man on the screen said, ‘shit, I accidentally turned my camera on’, then the screen went back to normal!” she stated. “And it was just as I was approaching the big O!”

Alexander neither confirmed nor denied the report but did say, “the law firm Ms. Glasscock works for does business with another law firm that has ties to a company that sells to a business that buys products from Pakistan, a country known for terrorist activities. We may or may not have been have been surreptitiously monitoring her to assure she does not engage in terrorist activities”.

Snowden claims the NSA has hundreds of thousands of videos of people masturbating from Skype, Google, Facebook and dozens of other services.

“If they don’t want us to see them masturbating then don’t masturbate!” concluded Alexander.


Posted in Politics, Top StoriesComments (2)

Video Forensic Guy Not a ‘Miracle Worker’

Chicago, IL – For the third time in as many days, Chicago Police Department forensic analyst Ted Hatcher confessed to being unable to magically extract high definition pictures from damaged, out-of-focus, and low resolution images.   Hatcher’s failure was met with disbelief and disappointment by police detectives and crime scene investigators standing around him in his unreasonably dark forensics lab. Read the full story


Posted in Crime, TechnologyComments (2)

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