Tag Archive | "stock market"

4K Glossy News Podcast 017 (11-16-15)

In the November 6th, 2015 4K/UHD podcasts, I cover a lot of fresh ground.

All of this is available in UHD on YouTube by searching “Glossy Podcast” or as an MP3 on iTunes by searching “Glossy News”.

* An introduction brought to you by the most romantic thing you can do for your partner this week.

* My Last Will & Testament suggestion as to how you should paint me up for my open-casket… with scary clown makeup. Read the full story


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Faith in Fed Interest Rate Hike at All-Time High

WASHINGTON – Faith that the Federal Reserve Bank will finally raise interest rates, after years of broken promises, is now at an all-time high.

“The Fed is really going to raise rates after our next meeting,” said Norman Bates, Chair of the Philadelphia Federal Reserve. “We promise. Personally, I’m betting big on a substantial interest rate hike. I can’t wait.”

“Of course we will raise the interest rate,” said New York Fed Chair David Rockemellon. “We just have to do it at our next meeting.” Read the full story


Posted in Biz News, PoliticsComments (0)

Wall Street Banks’ Financial Dealings Stump the Lord Almighty

Dateline: NEW YORK—A cabal of Wall Street bankers runs a global crime syndicate that buys the regulators of their industry, rigs the rules of the market, and uses convoluted financial instruments and bogus mathematical models to siphon cash from the majority of people in modern economies, according to many experts.

However, no judge or jury has convicted the bankers of any crime, because no one other than the bankers understands exactly how they’re doing what they’re doing. Read the full story


Posted in Biz News, ReligionismComments (3)

Fed Announces Major Wealth Creation Plan to Aid Wealthy

U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has announced a new plan to stimulate the economy by using public funds to buy up toxic mortgage-backed securities. “Nobody else will buy this crap,” said Bernanke, “so let’s get the American taxpayer to do it.”

The Bernanke plan also guarantees that public funds will be made available to qualified borrowers at rates of between 0 and ¼ percent for at least another three years. To qualify, you must be a too-big-to-fail bank with at least $100 billion in assets and pay no taxes. “It would make no sense for banks to borrow from their own taxes, would it?” asked Bernanke. Read the full story


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Baptist Minister Performs Exorcism on Stock Market

New York, NY – GlossyNews.com – “DEMONS OF VOLATILITY, COME OUT!”

So declaimed the Rev. Buster Shillerberg yesterday afternoon on the steps of the New York Stock Exchange. The diminutive Reverend Shillerberg spoke in loud oracular tones that rolled like thunder over a bemused crowd of well-dressed Wall Street types watching from the sidewalk.



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Wall Street Whizzes “Said Sorry”, Beg Public for New Nest Eggs

The front page of USA Today announced that ‘Five Wall Street Heavyweights say it’s time to “Get Back Into Stocks!”’

Yes folks, for those of you who are not unemployed or living out of a storage unit, it is time to take your hard-earned cash and put it back into the hands of those people who almost sunk the United States like it was the Titanic.

Hey, what the heck! It’s only money. It’s not like you need it to survive in our modern world. Read the full story


Posted in Books, Newspapers & MiscComments (0)

Economy Ramps Up – But Workers Have All Starved To Death

STURGIS, Mississippi (GlossyNews) — The bailout recovery has finally come full circle as the recipients have finally stabilized their companies and are ready to rehire their workers. A shock came about, however, when it was found out that most of their old workers had either starved to death or were homeless and couldn’t be found.

“It was surprising to us.” said Chief Investor Charles Fatbelly, speaking at the ‘Back On Top’ banquet for top Wall Street executives while munching on pheasant under glass. “I thought there was supposed to be a trickle down of some sort. Oh, well, we’ll just import some people from India.” Read the full story


Posted in Biz News, Human InterestComments (3)

Top 2010 Investment Tips

New York, NY (BNSE) — Expectations for significant economic growth are foreseen in the second half of 2010, according to a blue ribbon panel of financial, economic, and business leaders. Despite uncertain global economic conditions plagued by mounting international sovereign debt, the panel concludes “substantial upside potential in nontraditional markets which could lay the groundwork for future economic improvements into the first and second quarters of 2011.”

In the panel’s report, several non-traditional and emerging markets were showcased as a guide to savvy investors looking to diversify their portfolios into a higher growth potential orientation while maintaining a more conservative risk exposure. Read the full story


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Stocks Soar on Good News: Foreclosure-Related Suicide Hits All Time High

New York, NY – Stocks surged in early trading today on news from the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta that the rate of suicide in the United States directly attributable to the foreclosure on victims homes reached an all time high in the first half of 2009.

“This is an encouraging sign for the economy as a whole,” a prominent Wall Street trader told BNSE. Read the full story


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