Tag Archive | "stimulus"

Construction Work Begins on Interstate Construction Work


INDIANAPOLIS – Traffic was backed up for almost four miles on I-465 Tuesday, as wide-scale construction work – aimed at improving the existing construction work along the interstate heading in and out of Indianapolis – got underway. Read the full story

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Oil Down on No News


With a lack of signals coming from analysts and virtually no news that could have an impact on crude prices, oil has again suffered moderate setbacks today.

Confounding investors who lack any fundamentals to trade on, Wall Street again witnessed a pull back affecting US crude oil prices.

Analysts say absolutely any news is good for supporting oil. When unemployment figures rise, crude offers a safe haven for investors fearing an economic slowdown, while any improvement in the economy signals potential for increased demand. Read the full story

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Mysterious Robo Calls Hound Voters Days Before Election


Mysterious robo-calls have been plaguing American households in massive amounts these last few days of the build up to the Presidential election.

Upon answering a heavily accented voice will announce “Love America or cleave it! Vote Hu Jintao for Plesident of USA! Remember- write in!”

or “Hu Jintao good for America! Make it more Capitalist!” Read the full story

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Fed Announces Major Wealth Creation Plan to Aid Wealthy


U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has announced a new plan to stimulate the economy by using public funds to buy up toxic mortgage-backed securities. “Nobody else will buy this crap,” said Bernanke, “so let’s get the American taxpayer to do it.”

The Bernanke plan also guarantees that public funds will be made available to qualified borrowers at rates of between 0 and ¼ percent for at least another three years. To qualify, you must be a too-big-to-fail bank with at least $100 billion in assets and pay no taxes. “It would make no sense for banks to borrow from their own taxes, would it?” asked Bernanke. Read the full story

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Labor Dept’s Latest Report Shows Stimulus Created a Job


Hope Springs, Maryland (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. In a triumphant moment for President Obama, the Labor Department’s newest monthly report showed that despite lingering high unemployment, the President’s stimulus program almost certainly created a job last month.

The President announced the Labor Department’s findings at a news event held in the suburban back yard of an unemployed Democratic fundraising consultant. Read the full story

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Goldman Sachs Execs Actually Appreciate “Gold Man Sacks” Jabs


Goldman Sachs is arguably best known as the firm that created the most wealth for the most clients over the longest sub-decade period of prosperity in modern history, though they’re as well known as the people who created the equally dismal downturn. Now, with the rise of satirists like Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart, they’re better known as the men with “Golden Man Sacks”, and that’s apparently a joke they’re just fine with. Read the full story

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Congress Adds Goats to New Economic Stimulus Plan


WASHINGTON – In a continuing effort to avoid recession, House leaders and the White House were pleased to announce plans for a new economic stimulus package that would include a goat, a sack of dry beans, and an acre of farmland.

“People don’t need money, they need bread, or in this case, beans and a goat,” Read the full story

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Trophy Wives Falling on Hard Times


High society is really taking a beating in this economic crisis. The scores of trophy wives who have been left to fend for themselves by husbands caught in the unfortunate outing of greed and corruption on Wall Street are not taking their fall from status lying down—well, maybe they’ll take it lying down if the opportunity presents itself—anyway, there are many former well-to-do women out there who, because of the recent convictions of their high profile spouses, have begun to wonder, “will I ever shop at Gucci again?” Read the full story

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