Kingston, Jamaica (GlossyNews) — The disappearance of two Trustafarians in the jungles of Jamaica has sent a mild panic through wealthy families in the U.S., who sort of wonder where their own dreadlocked dodos might be hanging out.

A few days ago a group of lawyers from Manhattan were talking about doing something to find these 32 year old kids, but outside of a call to the U.S. Embassy in Kingston that went unanswered after 117 rings, not much else was done. A spokesman for the attorney’s group said the search was called off by the 5:00 cocktail hour. Read the full story

In a bold attempt to increase sales, Swedish furniture retailer IKEA has announced that it will soon allow customers to sign away their mortal souls in exchange for store credit. Those whose souls are not wholesome enough to afford more expensive items will be advised to pray before making their final purchase in easy to assemble pews located throughout the stores. Read the full story