The mood was somber at Oxford’s esteemed Council on Planetary Stuff this week as yet another solar system down-sizing was announced. CPS Director Percy Hyde-Warf opened the press conference with a display of his famed wit. “I know you reporter chaps are dolts, so I’ll keep this simple. Neptune will likely have to go soon.”
Hyde-Warf went on to shed light on an obscure branch of astrophysics, and detail its near-term impact. “Newton was right, but the past decade has revealed Earth economics affects our Sun’s gravity. As market instability first took hold, Pluto was persuaded to take early retirement and we hoped that would correct orbital wobble. It now appears those bloody yanks on Wall Street have bollixed things so badly, our Sun can no longer sustain even eight planets.”
After pausing to explain to People Magazine’s correspondent that ‘Pluto’ isn’t only a cartoon dog, Hyde-Warf briefly outlined the CPS planetary layoff decision process. The world’s leading Econogravitationalphysicists made presentations during a two week seminar in Hawaii, culminating in a secret ballot. “We took the vote three times, but Earth kept winning. So Chalmers over there, he and I decided on the plane ride home. It’s to be Neptune then.”
In concluding remarks, the CPS Director struck a tone later termed ‘vaguely Churchillian’ by that smarty-pants from Investors Weekly. “Neptune will be all right, stiff upper lip and all that. We couldn’t let go of Uranus; giggle value for eight year old boys was deemed crucial. We shall soldier on as a seven planet system, together in solidarity, ever resolved this shall be our finest hour. Although things don’t look good for Jupiter long-term, get right down to it.”
Responding to questions, Hyde-Warf told Glossy News he didn’t know why British call their apartments ‘flats.’ Chalmers said he didn’t know either.