Categorized | Television

Tough Love Forces Florida Man Back to Crime (on TV)

Tough Love Forces Florida Man Back to Crime (on TV)

State Road 19, Near Tavares, Fla (GlossyNews) — Local man, Hank Fuller, arrived home last Wednesday and noticed something amiss. As he entered the house he could see his friends, family and at least one priest sitting in every available chair but one placed prominently in the middle of the floor.

“Don’t be alarmed, these are people who care about you and want to help you, now have a seat,“ said mediator and therapist, Dr. Lorena Schlutz. “We are here to help you get over your aversion to the variety of crime dramas on TV that are a main source of entertainment for everyone in America. We feel that you are hurting your family and depriving them of an important source of family interaction.”

As Fuller listened, everyone took a turn to vocalize their disappointment with his apparently destructive personality flaw. Some were brought to tears recollecting the family gatherings that were ruined when Fuller failed to engage in conversation about the latest necro-pornographic plot twist that occurred the previous week on NCIS, CSI, SVU or Cold Case.

At one point a letter was read from his 80 year old Mother, who couldn’t be in attendance for health reasons, imploring her son to please watch the crime dramas because his family and indeed the entire culture of America depended on it. In one place her letter read, “You’ve always been a reader, and if I only knew all those books in your room when you were growing up were a gateway to this insanity, I would have piled them in the front yard and set fire to the whole shoot’n’match.”

After almost three hours of torture, Fuller, desperately needing to relax after a long day at work, capitulated, and was given a shot of Thorazine by the therapist strong enough to give him a chemical lobotomy. As he slumped into submission, everyone gave him a group hug, with a few still shaking their heads in disappointment as they left the room.

The following Wednesday night, as Fuller sat catatonically on the couch in front of the TV watching a lady get beat to death with a hammer and gonorrhea tainted semen being removed from a cadaver’s rectum, his wife and children gobbled popcorn and cackled maniacally, happy to have their rehabilitated Dad in attendance.

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