Tag Archive | "Ryan"

Libertarian Congress Legalizes Child Labor


WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a landmark vote on Monday morning, the Libertarian-controlled Congress passed a bill eliminating all prohibitions on child labor in the United States.

Standing outside the Capitol Building, large swaths of supporters wearing Ayn Rand t-shirts emblazoned with the words “Our Market, Our Money, Our Bank Accounts” cheered loudly as House Speaker Paul Ryan read the tally.

“With 357 votes in the affirmative, the Congress of these United States has decided to put the market first. For far too long this sick regulatory environment has been strangling the life out of individualism and family values.” Read the full story

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Biden Wins Debate With Tale of High School Football Game


DANVILLE, KENTUCKY- The Vice Presidential debate was a dramatic stage set for two men who would be a heart beat away from the highest office. It culminated in a speech by Vice President Biden, about a high school football game in which he excelled.

“So there we were, end of the fourth quarter, third and long. Any other team would have given up, but not us,” explained Biden as he looked in to the camera.

Paul Ryan was seen looking aimlessly in to the eyes of Joe Biden, as he tried finding a valid argument as to the relevance of the anecdote. There was none to be had. The nation had been seduced by the story, including Romney’s running mate. Read the full story

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Biden’s Laugh Claims Ryan’s Smirk Isn’t VP Material


Following Thursday night’s Vice Presidential debate, Joe Biden’s laugh told reporters that Candidate Paul Ryan’s smirk “simply is not qualified for the number two position.”

Biden’s laugh went on to explain that “a President grimaces, and a grimace is a less sad frown which is an upside down smile which is a less happy laugh. So me and the Presidential mouth are like kissing cousins so to speak full of conflicting emotion. Read the full story

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Paul Ryan Devastated by Ayn Rand Revelation


During a campaign stop in Virginia Friday, Republican vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan was rocked by the revelation that Ayn Rand’s books were fiction.

He had intended to make a quick walk thru of a small locally owned book store when he stumbled upon the very books he bases his political philosophies on in the fiction section.

While this was a widely known fact, it appears that the revelation truly impacted his self confidence. He was quickly ushered back to his tour bus by his security detail and was not available for immediate comment.

After being questioned by several reporters at the event, a spokesman for the campaign would only offer this comment under the condition that their name not be revealed.

“This discovery has been very hard on our candidate. He has followed these books in his relentless desire to save our country and he was not emotionally prepared to have to deal with this type of information at this point in the campaign. He was repeatedly uttering that he now understood how it felt to be a Scientologist.”

The campaign could not provide information on whether Congressman Ryan would suspend his involvement in the campaign at this time or continue on until the general election.

This is a developing story and we will update you as more information becomes available.

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Romney “Apologizes” to Obama After Debate Debacle


WASHINGTON DC- Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney sort of apologized to the president this week after the crushing debate performance he delivered, though it remains unclear as to whether Governor Romney actually knows what an apology is.

Although the political arena doesn’t mandate such an apology, Romney’s religious upbringing got the better of him as he humbly “apologized” for the thorough lashing he gave the president.

“Mitt has had a lot of practice with apologizing and knowing what an apology actuallt is, recently,” explained Matt Rhodes, senior Romney advisor.

“Not only did he deliver an excellent apology after politicizing the death of Ambassador Chris Stevens, and he really nailed it when he had to explain himself over the 47% thing the day after the debate. It was totally an underhanded apology that almost slipped by. Mitt’s been getting so good at it, he apologized to his wife after accidentally bringing her a caffeinated soda at a fund raising picnic, where he mingled with regular common people. It was a touching moment among many.”

Political analysts are wondering if Romney can keep up with his fast paced rate of apologizing. Some of his more notable apologies have reportedly been behind closed doors, especially after the debate.

He has been practicing apologizing to his base constituency for faltering on his platform so many times.

Romney appeared on Univision, a Spanish Language Channel, where he apologized to Hispanics for the tough talk on immigration during the primaries, but vowed to apologize more to them in his coming years as president.

Romney has also been seen apologizing to unemployed Americans, stating he was “sorry for the whole off-shore thing,” and that if he got their vote, he would “so get their jobs back for them.”

When asked about the apology, President Barack Obama commented, “It was nice and heart felt. Uh… He knew I was tired and had been keeping late nights… what with keeping the world from falling apart, and… cleaning up a rather… big mess left by… uh, Republicans.”

Paul Ryan has not been in favor of the recent streak of apologies, stating that “it shows weakness.”

“Ayn Rand would be spinning in her atheist grave right now listening to Romney bowing to people, many of whom don’t even pay taxes for the entitlements they feel they deserve.”

He also added, “did that come off as racist? Is that my first political gaff? I need to go do some P90x and sort all of this out, but you know what I mean about those people [who do not pay taxes].”

Senior White House advisor David Plouffe remarked on how happy he was to see Romney take a more humble approach. Plouffe went on to say, “As much as he’s apologizing for the lies, pandering, political polarizing, and suckering poor people in to a program that would marginalize their meager incomes, I don’t think I’ve heard him apologize to Jim Lerher or Big Bird for threatening to fire them.”

Mitt Romney will be in the swing state of Arkansas tomorrow speaking at a $5 a plate fundraiser held for the state’s wealthiest job creators.

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Romney Schedules Debate to Convince Country He is Still Running


WASHINGTON D.C.- Political insiders have confirmed that not only is republican candidate, Mitt Romney, debating president Obama on Wednesday, but he is still running for president.

Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan met a group of supporters for a fund raiser, announcing that they will still be in the running for the white house all the way up until November 6th.

“People can’t count us out until the election is over,” explains Matt Rhodes, campaign advisor to Mitt Romney.

“I know the country wouldn’t quite pick that up over the past couple of weeks, but we have been hard at work over in the Romney camp trying to adequately prepare a game plan to let America know that we are here until election day.” Read the full story

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Romney and Ryan to Clean Up Streets in New ABC Drama


LOS ANGELES- After recent reports have surfaced over the lack of news coverage given to Mitt Romney, the Romney/Ryan campaign sought to tackle the issue through a different approach.

Romney campaign manager Matt Rhodes tells US Weekly that “It’s no surprise the liberal media is trying to marginalize Mitt. We saw this coming. We devised a plan to get Mitt and Paul out there, in the television of every home, without the help of the major news outlets, Prime time drama.” Read the full story

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Romney and Ryan to Hold “Who’s Wife is Hotter” Rally


Myrtle Beach, South Carolina – Attempting to appeal to the conservative base, the Romney-Ryan campaign is holding a “Who’s Wife is Hotter” contest at a Hooters located in Myrtle Beach.

This new tactic comes after an influx of criticism, aimed at Romney’s inability to relate with blue collar voters.

Republican strategist Trey Harden explains, “This is exactly what Mitt needs. He needs to show how much he loves women while appealing to the working class. Read the full story

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