A writer working on the unauthorized biography of conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has released a very important piece of information that may explain the idiotic statements that Limbaugh often makes on his daily radio show. Recent comments Limbaugh made about Japanese refugees are coming under fire, which led the author to leak the information in the biography prematurely. Read the full story

Much to the delight of his listening audience, crow connoisseur, Rush Limbaugh has claimed that Arizona shooter, Jared Lee Loughner is not insane, but psychic.

“It’s true,” the egg-splattered Limbaugh proclaimed Wednesday, while doing a mind-bending radio segment about repealing the Job-killing Obamacare Plan for Dirty Illegal Mexicans and Other Parasites. Read the full story

FORT APACHE, Arizona (Glossy News) — Watch out Rush Limbaugh. Chief Standing Wolf, who earlier this year made certain promises to rid Arizona of non-Native Americans if they didn’t repeal their white man laws allowing only English-speaking people in their state, is on the war path again. This time, it’s Rush Limbaugh that has the Apache leader seeing red. Read the full story

VATICAN CITY (GlossyNews) — Several astronomers are coming right out and telling people to be extra careful this Friday the 13th due to the fact that in addition to the 13th falling on a Friday this month, another more sinister event will be happening in the skies that night—a triple conjunction with the moon lining up with Venus, Mars and Saturn all in close proximity that night. Also known as the “smiley face” effect, the occurrence is rare but has always been associated with significant happenings in history. Read the full story

New York, NY – By now, most people have seen the news that Rush Limbaugh is selling his New York Penthouse condo and moving out of New York due to the high rise in taxes. He said he would move and he’s keeping his promise so far. Many wish he would have kept his promise to move to Costa Rica if Obama’s Health Care Reform Bill passed as well, but I digress. Read the full story

Springfield, Mo (GlossyNews) -– The weekly meeting of a group of local patriots came to an abrupt halt last Tuesday when its members came flying out of the United Baptists Freedom Church reception hall retching and cursing and holding their mouths. An outsider was the cause for the stampede. Shelley Gates, a liberal (a rarity in this town) tried to infiltrate the group to find out what they were all about but became violently ill after listening to about an hour of their rhetoric. She began throwing up on everyone around her. Read the full story

with Mother of the Year award.

Tonopah, NV Reuters — Humor news media titan Glossy News has won the Pulitzer in this year’s newly added “Best exploitation of a disaster” category. The committee cited GNN’s round the clock coverage from earthquake ravaged Hawaii. Media watchers were generally positive on the announcement, while acknowledging the race was always ‘too close to call.’

Washington Post’s Howard Kurtz said, “Exploiting disasters for higher ratings, well it’s our bread & butter, right? Privately I thought Geraldo had the edge for his Tiger Woods coverage. I mean, Geraldo is a disaster all by himself, so there was always chance for a double win. But there’s always next year.” Read the full story

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — In response to the ass-trouncing recently inflicted by the Democrats over the Republicans over the hotly debated health care reform bill, Republicans in all levels of government held a press conferences early today in which they vowed that they would henceforth boycott all medical care facilities and handle all of their personal health care themselves, in their own home and using what they referred to as “traditional means”. Read the full story

As recently seen on Austin Craigslist:

EXPERIENCED CATAPULT BUILDER (N. AUSTIN)

Date: 2010-03-26, 9:33PM CDT
Reply to: job-phthuttt-1639419@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Group of Investors looking for experienced carpenter to build over-sized catapult sturdy enough to fling Rush Limbaugh all the way to Costa Rica and help him make good on his promise to leave the country if the health care reform bill became law. Read the full story

THE HEAVENS – In a rare public announcement, God Himself admitted today that Pat Robertson, who by all rights should have choked to death long ago on his own venomous rhetoric, continues to exist at His whim as an object lesson intended to teach humans not to tolerate bigoted, ranting nutjobs.

Robertson’s most recent tirade attributing a devastating 7.0 earthquake to a pact made between Satan and the entire island nation of Haiti seems to have precipitated the enlightening declaration made by the Almighty. Read the full story

Boca Raton, FL (GlossyNews) The Association for Pseudo-Intellectual Predictions held its annual conference in Boca Raton, Florida this weekend. Attendance was much higher than event organizers had anticipated.

Keynote speaker Adam Lambert delivered an optimistic yet cautionary tone to the assembled APIP members. Reading from stuff written on his hand Mr. Lambert said, “Yes these are the golden days for the worthless prediction industry. Read the full story

KANSAS CITY, MO (GlossyNews) — Jesus Christ announced today that he is throwing his halo in the ring as a contender for the 2012 presidential race. Rather than commencing with the long-awaited Second Coming, the Big Three decided that He could generate greater outreach through politics. He referred to Barack Obama’s success as His inspiration. After American voters, in defiance of history, accomplished the seemingly impossible task of electing a black president, organizers for the “Christ 2012 – It’s Not the End of the World” campaign also thought they could pull off a miracle by getting a notoriously ethical man nominated to the highest office in the land. Read the full story

A South Carolina independent rag known as the Secessionist News developed a Survey entitled “Where Do You Stand as a True American?” They hope it will be picked up and answered by lots of Tea Party Convention delegates in an effort to get a finger on the pulse of the true American. We have recreated the survey here for convenience of reading (sample original survey shown below). We hope to report the findings once responses start to trickle in. Feel free to give your own answers if you’ve a mind to. Read the full story

Dear Hank,

I’ve got a real problem. I’m considering taking a walk down the aisle for the 4th time and I already know how it’s going to end…in divorce. Why? Because I am the one responsible for the merry-go-round that is my marital history.

I know what I’m doing wrong, but I can’t seem to stop myself and I need someone to tell me why I do what I do, and I figured maybe you’d have some answers. Read the full story

A virulent outbreak of rabies was reported today at Fox News Headquarters. The horrible madness inducing disease appears to have spread through the top hosts of the station, then been transmitted to station employees and, strangely, even to their listeners. The initiation of the epidemic seems to have started with Sean Hannity who, in the middle of his show, started foaming at the mouth.

“This was nothing unusual with him.” stated Red Bigneck. Read the full story