Tag Archive | "romney"

Leaked Tax Returns Reveal Romney Barely Scraping by on Food Stamps


WASHINGTON D.C. – In what could prove a decisive blow in the race for the White House, newly released Tax documents have revealed that presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney is just barely scraping by on food stamps.

Romney’s reluctance to release his tax records had ignited speculation that the former Massachusetts Governor had continued earning revenue from Bain Capital – a multi-billion dollar private equity company of which he was once the CEO – even after 2002. Read the full story

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Sources Reveal Mitt Romney’s Past Membership in Gangsta Rap Group


The Washington Post has recently reported details from Governor Mitt Romney’s past that may derail the presumptive Republican candidate’s goal of the White House in the 2012 Presidential Election.

Quoting a variety of anonymous sources, the Post has reported that while a student at the Harvard Business School, Governor Romney was a founding member of the gangsta rap group Wealthy Wit Attitude (“WWA”) and was featured on their debut album “Straight Outta Hampton”.

At the time, Governor Romney was known under the assumed moniker of “Filthy Rich Muthafucka.”

In fact, his campaign has been hit hardest on his lack of empathy for the poor and middle class in the song entitled “If you ain’t rich, you a bitch.” In response, the Governor’s campaign spokesman Ryan Roswell stated “While not acknowledging the Governor was in fact Filthy Rich Mutherfucka, this song title is clearly taken out of context.”

When asked in follow-up what Governor Romney meant by the lyrics “I do my due diligence when comes to ripping off the indigent.” Mr. Roswell had no comment.

According to at least two of its sources, the Post reported that Governor Romney, contributed lyrics to most of the album and was the lead performer on at least three of the group’s more well known songs including “Don’t Fight the Power”, “Racing my Motherfucking Yacht!” and “Banker’s Delight” The two other founding members, “The Notorious R.IC.H.” and “Nathaniel Aldridge Bancroft, III.” declined to comment for the story.

While some of the songs have garnered controversy, some merely show a general enthusiasm for a type of philosophy that would mark his future politics. For instance, in the song “F.D.I.C. Killa”, Governor Romney notes his future run to the White House with the line “Washington, D.C. ain’t never seen a deregulator like this baller before.”

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Romney Proposes Leveraged Buyout of California


ORANGE COUNTY, CA: Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney flipped burgers on a grill at a fundraising luncheon for his campaign in Laguna Beach today, priced at fifty thousand dollars per French fry with burger prices going to the highest bidder over one hundred thousand, cheese another twenty-five G’s.

After he missed the grill the third time – the burgers splatting on concrete immediately showed up on You Tube – he gave the spatula over to one of his traveling chefs and took a moment to lay out his bold plan to remedy California’s ailing economy and state debt. Read the full story

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Romney Campaign Crashes Into Yet Another Tree


While driving his three nation campaign BlitzMobile at a high rate of speed, Mitt Romney apparently fell asleep at the wheel and crashed his vehicle into a tree.

“Candidate Romney is pretty banged up,” said a spokesman, “but he’s resting comfortably while doctors attempt to remove his foot from his mouth. Typically, that’s a pretty easy procedure, but considering that the accident also left him with his head lodged up his ass, it’s a little more complicated.” Read the full story

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U.S. Raises Gaffe Threat Level to Orange, As Romney Returns From Abroad


WASHINGTON – The U.S. Federal Election Commission today warned Americans of what it termed “an increased possibility of a major verbal gaffe taking place on U.S. soil within the coming days.”

The F.E.C. issued its warning after its analysts detected signals indicating that former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney had entered U.S. airspace and was apparently headed directly for the country. Read the full story

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Commoners Tell Romneys ‘Screw You and the Dressage Horse You Rode in On’


While the financially elite in London are said to be looking forward to showing Mitt and Ann Romney a jolly good time in London this week, the majority of ordinary Londoners would be just as happy to see the Romneys go elsewhere for what is deceptively being billed as ‘Mitt Romney’s first foreign tour of his candidacy.”

“Screw ‘em and the dressage ‘orse they rode in on,” said Edna Swanscot, a volunteer at the London Olympics, who is primarily in charge of mucking the horse stalls, including the one where Ann Romney’s horse, Refalca, will be stabled during the dressage event.

“Betcha I ain’t gonna get to shake ‘ands with that rotter and ‘e’s wife, even if I clean me ‘ands on me apron first,” she said.

Swanscot’s husband, Earl, agreed “Thems ain’t ‘ere to rub elbows with the likes of us, I’ll say that much. Rather, the wifey’s ‘ere to show off ‘er fancy ‘orse, and ‘er ‘usband’s ‘ere to meet up widdem scoundrels wots from them crooked banks, ‘e is.”

Anticipating the next question, Earl then concluded “Yeah, I realize I ain’t pronouncing my effin’ aiches. It’s you Americans ‘oo want the ‘ole British reality thing, now innit?”

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Freaking Journalist Agitates Candidates, Deemed “Terrorist”


Police are on the look out for a rouge freelance journalist suspected of reckless disregard of media protocol and assault with a rhetorical question. The unknown journalist first struck at a Romney campaign stop in New Hampshire and asked about rumors of undisclosed offshore wealth. Read the full story

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GOP Eyes Watson the Computer as Front-Runner Candidate for 2012 Election


Last month, the nation was introduced to the world’s smartest computer: the IBM Watson. Watson is an example of the incredible strides made in artificial intelligence (A.I.). With four terabytes of storage capacity, including all of Wikipedia. Watson knows the answer to virtually any question, from Lady Macbeth to Lady Gaga. Read the full story

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Prop 8 SCOTUS Vote Jerks GOPTea© Full Circle


WASHINGTON DC —GlossyNews There’s a small but rising fear in some GOPTea© circles that if SCOTUS agrees that California’s Prop 8 is unconstitutional, Romney will lose a very effective rallying point for evangelical conservatives. Read the full story

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Santorum Endorses Mitt Romney… For Profit


PITTSBURG, PA –GlossyNews Rick Santorum finally threw his support behind presumptive GOPTea™ nominee Mitt Romney, saying to his supporters, “I strongly encouraged Mitt to add me as the Team Conservative Leader, and I am pleased to say that I will now be an integral, and salaried, partner of his team.” Read the full story

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Obama Defeats Romney in Hollywood Version of 2012 Presidential Election


LOS ANGELES – In a classic Hollywood ending that left audiences cheering and wiping tears from their eyes, President Obama triumphed over his Republican rival Mitt Romney in the 2012 U.S. presidential election, after staging a stunning come-from-behind upset that had seemed nearly impossible several scenes earlier. Read the full story

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Trump to Host Romney Bacon-Wrapped Foie Gras Dinner Fundraiser


TRUMP TOWER, NYC —GlossyNews The final logistics for “Trump’s Huge Gourmet Dinner to Fund Gov. Romney” have been released. The Donald announced that “on landing at Kennedy the fortunate attendees – the chosen folk – will receive free post-flight ground transportation in the Trump vehicle, a personal guided tour and overnight stay at the Trump International Hotel & Tower and have a gourmet dinner with me, Donald Trump. And Mitt, of course. How could I ever forget Mitt? I’m hosting his fundraiser dinner! Read the full story

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“Men in Suits” determine the future of the GOP


Several suited men are pouring over papers scattered on a desk before them.

“So, it comes down to this: The Corporations are deciding on either Gingrich or Santorum to be the Republican representative for the Republican platform in the Presidential election.” stated the man in the gray suit.

“We’ll make sure that the other candidates fall by the wayside after the South Carolina Primary. Romney just won’t make a strong enough puppet for us to get our bills passed through Congress. If we are going to be the Marines for getting Corporate control of America then we are going to need a strong front man we can work through. Read the full story

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Gingrich Halted By Month-old Shooting


BATON ROUGE, LA —EBBQ Newt Gingrich hastily called a press conference after appearing on Sean Hannity’s FOXNEWS telecast.

He said in opening the sparsely attended 2-reporter conference: “I was completely misquoted in my answer to Sean where he said that I had harshly criticized President Obama for his comment on Trayvon Martin’s tragic shooting. Read the full story

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Etch-A-Mitt™ Galvanizes The GOPTea™


NORTH WISCONSIN  —GlossyNews  “America hasn’t been working,” Romney said at a recent political rally in north Wisconsin, “…and I believe it’s because they don’t have jobs. Wisconsin is like all the rest of the states. Where have all your jobs gone to, I ask you?”

He continued, “In my quest to become your president, I have been seeking Middle Class endorsements from deep within the nation’s Middle Class. Read the full story

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If Republican Candidates Had Lived At Other Times In History


Had the key 2012 Republican candidates* lived previous lives, what might have been their comments at the following historical events?

THE MIDDLE AGES- A WITCH BURNING:

SANTORUM: This harlot before us is one of Satan’s own who has used her for a tool of His evil! We must burn her until only the ashes of her sinfulness remain. The evidence shows her wickedness: She was seen dancing naked in the moonlight, she does not attend church on the Sabbath day, and she bathes only once a month. Read the full story

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