Tag Archive | "romney"

Washington-area Birdwatchers Spot Migrating Species


It’s late fall and a sure sign of the season is the movement of various migratory birds in Washington and elsewhere. Recent sightings include:

The African American Obama

Perhaps because of its name, the African American obama is often mistakenly thought to be native to Kenya. In fact, this White House-perched bird is from Chicago by way of Hawaii. Read the full story

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Romney Used Erstwhile Campaign Funds to Purchase Hoboken, New Jersey


HOBOKEN, NJ – In a stunning revelation Friday, a close aide to former Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney claims Romney poured virtually all of his campaign funds into purchasing the city of Hoboken, New Jersey.

Mr. Romney, the frontrunner challenging incumbent President, Barack Obama, in last year’s election, is believed to have leveraged a deal worth $150 million for the city, which houses roughly 50,000 residents and is a part of the New York metropolitan area. Read the full story

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Josh Romney Races to Save Car from Fiery Crash


Josh Romney, third eldest son of Mitt Romney, is home safe today after his heroic rescue of a vehicle that flew past him at a high rate of speed, crashing into the kitchen of a home in Holladay, Utah on Thanksgiving evening.

The Holladay/holiday crash is receiving widespread coverage today after Romney tweeted this message on his Twitter account:

“Was first on scene to big accident, see pic of car in the house. I lifted 4 people out to safety. All ok. Thankful — Josh Romney (@joshromney) November 29, 2013.” Read the full story

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Romney Points to Fact That $2.8m in Taxes is Far Higher than What Most Americans Pay


TALLAHASSEE, FL – Embattled Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has defended himself over the controversy surrounding his tax percentage, insisting that the $2.8m he pays annually is “far more than what most people pay in a single year.”

Speaking at a campaign event in Tallahassee ahead of Saturday’s primary election, Mr Romney hit back at suggestions that he is out of touch with working families across America, who he said “only have to pay an annual average tax amount of around $6,000.” Read the full story

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Romney Legacy: Vowed to Build an America That People Can Be Leaving


CONCORD, NH – Following a series of primary victories Tuesday, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has vowed to build an America that voters from across the entire nation can truly be leaving.

Winning a significant number of delegates in New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Delaware and Pennsylvania yesterday, the former Massachusetts governor insisted that he will defeat Barack Obama in November’s election and implement “hugely divisive” policies that will see millions of Americans return to the lands of their forebears. Read the full story

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Romney to Advertise New Lovelife Product


Former governor Mitt Romney may have lost the presidential election last November, but coming up short at the ballot box isn’t keeping him down—at least not in spirit.

According to breaking reports, Romney has been hired as a spokesperson to advertise the new lovelife product being marketed by Staples called “Leather Binders for Women.” Read the full story

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Despite Defeat, Romney Vows to Keep Running


Mitt Romney has reportedly been admitted to Massachusetts General Hospital with what is being described as a severe case of political addiction.

Sources close to the Republican presidential nominee say that his defeat in this year’s election revealed the previously unsuspected ailment. Doctor Phillip Morris of Mass General’s crack psychiatric unit assessed Mr. Romney and made the initial diagnosis. Read the full story

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Election 2012 Over; Will Lessons Learned Fade as Quickly as the Scars?


The 2012 elections were stressful and trying for those on both sides of the political spectrum, but it’s easy to see why nobody had it worse than Brian K. White, the editor of Glossy News.

After all, I did have 62-articles to edit on election day alone, and I followed this thing so passionately I would have named my first born after it had the timing been different.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

So here’s what we actually learned from the 2012 election cycle: Read the full story

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Romney Denies He’s a Crybaby


Defeated Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney denies he is a crybaby.

“Yes, I lost the election,” said Romney. “But there are reasons why I lost, many of them relating to the gifts Obama gave to blacks, Hispanics and young people to win their votes. But I’m no crybaby.”

President Obama offered to meet with his defeated rival to discuss some of Romney’s ideas to help the country. However, Mr. Romney has refused that offer. Read the full story

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Hurricane-Struck PA Vote Complete, Romney Claims All 5


GlossyNews.com – The republican vote in the state of Pennsylvania has been completed and tallied. All 5 votes were reportedly allocated to two-time presidential hopeful and failed former Governor Willard Mitt Romney.

The democratic observer at the polling place has filed an official complaint over voter intimidation for the count, which drove up the number of Republican votes, which is expected to delay the results from becoming official. Read the full story

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Romney and Obama Both Concede


GlossyNews.com – GlossyNews has learned that the presidential candidates of the two major parties have both decided to concede the election. Partly for reasons unknown, but mostly to spare the American people the frustration of waiting for the results.

Since they had both prepared their speeches in advance and were waiting for Wheel of Fortune to finish, I was able to do a short interview with each of them via SMS text to their cell phones: Read the full story

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Obama’s First Debate Loss; Foul Odor


GlossyNews.com – President Obama and the Democratic National Committee, in a surprising press release yesterday, accused presidential candidate Mitt Romney of intentionally dousing himself in Aqua Velva aftershave just before the Denver presidential debate with the intent of throwing the President ‘off his mark’.

“As I walked up to the podium,” recalled Obama, “There was this harsh, biting and very astringent odor like a mix of diesel fuel, ketone and knock-off brand Chanel No.5. After that I remember almost nothing.” Read the full story

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Romney Ahead 99 Pts Among Those Who Think Twinkies are Vegetables


GlossyNews.comCINCINNATI – The latest exit polls are showing Mitt Romney is leading President Obama by an estimated 99 points among voters who think Twinkies are a vegetable.

The results would have actually been 100% but when one Romney voter was asked what Twinkies were he responded, “footwear.” Read the full story

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Romney Leads Among Schizophrenics


GlossyNews.com – CLEVELAND – A new Gallup poll released today finds that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney continues to trail President Obama in popularity among women, African-Americans, Hispanics, Asians, people with cell phones, people aware of the internet, and voters under the age of 30.

However, the poll also found that Mr. Romney has managed to gain strong support among a key demographic here in the battleground state of Ohio: voters with multiple personality disorder (MPD). Read the full story

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Microsoft Paperclip Endorses Mitt Romney


GlossyNews.com – The Microsoft Paperclip has declared that he is a Republican and has come to the aid of Mitt Romney with an 11th hour endorsement of the pro-corporate candidate.

The Paperclip is largely known for his letter writing interventions, but since declaring he is backing Romney for President, he has developed a special campaigning wizard feature, which is sure to be as appreciated as all of his other timely interjections. Read the full story

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Romney Faceplate Cracks in Front of Iowa Crowd


GlossyNews.com – This morning, as the sun rose on the cornholing state, Mitt Romney stood in front of a gathered crowd of John Deere factory workers, when his robotic faceplate fractured and fell off of his robot face.

The crowd gathered remained fairly silent, even agape as it happened quietly clanked on the concrete floor. Read the full story

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