Former governor Mitt Romney may have lost the presidential election last November, but coming up short at the ballot box isn’t keeping him down—at least not in spirit.

According to breaking reports, Romney has been hired as a spokesperson to advertise the new lovelife product being marketed by Staples called “Leather Binders for Women.” Read the full story

Mitt Romney has reportedly been admitted to Massachusetts General Hospital with what is being described as a severe case of political addiction.

Sources close to the Republican presidential nominee say that his defeat in this year’s election revealed the previously unsuspected ailment. Doctor Phillip Morris of Mass General’s crack psychiatric unit assessed Mr. Romney and made the initial diagnosis. Read the full story

The 2012 elections were stressful and trying for those on both sides of the political spectrum, but it’s easy to see why nobody had it worse than Brian K. White, the editor of Glossy News.

After all, I did have 62-articles to edit on election day alone, and I followed this thing so passionately I would have named my first born after it had the timing been different.

So here’s what we actually learned from the 2012 election cycle: Read the full story

Defeated Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney denies he is a crybaby.

“Yes, I lost the election,” said Romney. “But there are reasons why I lost, many of them relating to the gifts Obama gave to blacks, Hispanics and young people to win their votes. But I’m no crybaby.”

President Obama offered to meet with his defeated rival to discuss some of Romney’s ideas to help the country. However, Mr. Romney has refused that offer. Read the full story

GlossyNews.com – The republican vote in the state of Pennsylvania has been completed and tallied. All 5 votes were reportedly allocated to two-time presidential hopeful and failed former Governor Willard Mitt Romney.

The democratic observer at the polling place has filed an official complaint over voter intimidation for the count, which drove up the number of Republican votes, which is expected to delay the results from becoming official. Read the full story

GlossyNews.com – GlossyNews has learned that the presidential candidates of the two major parties have both decided to concede the election. Partly for reasons unknown, but mostly to spare the American people the frustration of waiting for the results.

Since they had both prepared their speeches in advance and were waiting for Wheel of Fortune to finish, I was able to do a short interview with each of them via SMS text to their cell phones: Read the full story

GlossyNews.com – President Obama and the Democratic National Committee, in a surprising press release yesterday, accused presidential candidate Mitt Romney of intentionally dousing himself in Aqua Velva aftershave just before the Denver presidential debate with the intent of throwing the President ‘off his mark’.

“As I walked up to the podium,” recalled Obama, “There was this harsh, biting and very astringent odor like a mix of diesel fuel, ketone and knock-off brand Chanel No.5. After that I remember almost nothing.” Read the full story

GlossyNews.com – CINCINNATI – The latest exit polls are showing Mitt Romney is leading President Obama by an estimated 99 points among voters who think Twinkies are a vegetable.

The results would have actually been 100% but when one Romney voter was asked what Twinkies were he responded, “footwear.” Read the full story

GlossyNews.com – CLEVELAND – A new Gallup poll released today finds that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney continues to trail President Obama in popularity among women, African-Americans, Hispanics, Asians, people with cell phones, people aware of the internet, and voters under the age of 30.

However, the poll also found that Mr. Romney has managed to gain strong support among a key demographic here in the battleground state of Ohio: voters with multiple personality disorder (MPD). Read the full story

GlossyNews.com – The Microsoft Paperclip has declared that he is a Republican and has come to the aid of Mitt Romney with an 11th hour endorsement of the pro-corporate candidate.

The Paperclip is largely known for his letter writing interventions, but since declaring he is backing Romney for President, he has developed a special campaigning wizard feature, which is sure to be as appreciated as all of his other timely interjections. Read the full story

GlossyNews.com – This morning, as the sun rose on the cornholing state, Mitt Romney stood in front of a gathered crowd of John Deere factory workers, when his robotic faceplate fractured and fell off of his robot face.

The crowd gathered remained fairly silent, even agape as it happened quietly clanked on the concrete floor. Read the full story

GlossyNews.com – [Note from the Staff of Glossy News: We proofread the author Tim Jones’ rant below about why he’s switching his vote from Obama to Romney.

We uncovered a few minor errors in his analysis and felt compelled to insert corrections as needed. – the Staff of Glossy News] Read the full story

GlossyNews.com – TALLADEGA – Republicans in The Deep South are demanding that NASCAR officials be sent to all polling places to ensure a fair election.

Talladega Republican Party Chairman Larry “big cheese” Nelson said, “We can’t risk our people not being able to vote. And the only way to make sure things are fair behind those curtains is to send in NASCAR.” Read the full story

GlossyNews.com – BOSTON – In a last ditch effort to win over undecided voters, Mitt Romney today promised to stop a former leader of a defunct country from building an archaic weapon capable of hitting a non-existent state.

At his Boston event office, Romney said, “To any of you out there still unsure of my resolve to keep America safe, I say this. I will stop Gorbachev from building a catapult that can hit New Dakota.” Read the full story

GlossyNews.com – Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today called a press conference to announce that he would accept the position of U.S. President, which he hoped would end the acrimony and divisiveness of the Romney-Obama rivalry for the office. Following is a transcript:

RIGHT: Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu declares his candidacy for U.S. President. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

By President Barack Obama

My fellow Americans,

Next Tuesday, November 6, is Election Day, and this year your vote is more important than ever before. That’s because in this election you have a choice between two very different visions for America.

One of those visions believes that ours is a country where everyone should have a fair shot at success and where everyone should pay their fair share of taxes. Read the full story