Tag Archive | "rehab"

MSNBC Host Enters Rehab for ‘Tingles’ and Slobbering Affection for President


(Palm Springs, CA) – After nearly six years of denial, MSNBC talk show host Chris Matthews, has finally checked himself into rehab due to the “tingles” he experiences whenever he sees, hears or meets President Barack Obama.

Matthews has been afflicted with the condition, an extremely rare condition involving a sensation he feels up his leg at the mere mention of the President, and traditional western medicine has been unable to come up with a suitable treatment plan or cure for the disorder. Read the full story

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Cat-Rehab Clinics Sprouting Up Around the Nation (comic)


Addiction is no laughing matter. I tried to get high with my cat the other day, but the Nip we bought was apparently bunk, since it did nothing but give me a bit of a headache. Then I look over, and he’s saaaaailing. Guess it half-worked.

But what happens when Snuggums takes one hit too many? What happens when he goes from adorable, goofy furball rolling on the carpet, to evil, addicted killing machine? Read the full story

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Local Cat Blames Indoor Lifestyle for Catnip Addiction


BURLINGTON, VT—Yesterday, neighborhood cat, Nella Watson, revealed that she’s finally on the road to recovery after a long battle with Catnip Abuse.

When asked what started her addiction to what’s colloquially referred to as “Nip” in the Feline community, Nella claims that being held like a prisoner in her own home led her down the path of abuse and Nip addiction. Read the full story

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Linday Lohan Denies Stalking Sam Ronson, Does Anyway


Venice Beach, CA – GlossyNews.com: Lindsay Lohan may have kicked the drug habit, but it seems ex-girlfriend DJ Sam Ronson is too powerful to quit. It’s being reported that, fresh from rehab, she’s out jonesing for more of that mysterious Ronson love, as she’s moved right in to the Malibu house next door to hers.

Lindsay Lohan, famous for being infamous, is rumored to at one time have been a child actor, starring in films like “Herbie, Fully Loaded,” “Freaky Friday”, and that one about the jewel thief, I think. Read the full story

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Kelly Osbourne Arrested for DUI? TSG Mugshot Says Maybe


Anyone familiar with Kelly Osbourne knows she has an uncommon love for all things chemical, specifically if they can get her to an altered state, and as a member of the first family of rock, she’s never faced an ounce of consequence for her penchant to imbibe. Has Kelly Osbourne been arrested for DUI? Read the full story

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Tiger Woods No Longer Wants Sex


Number One golfer Tiger Woods, and the doctors treating him for sex addiction, claim he has made a complete recovery and no longer has any desire for sex at all.

Woods admitted himself into a sex rehab center in Hattiesburg, Mississippi after admitting to enjoying sex with no fewer than 100 women in the course of one year. After intensive therapy he no longer craves sex at all and hopes he never has sex again.

“Sex is icky and scary”, Woods told reporters. “I hope I never do that to myself again!” Read the full story

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Tiger Woods Still Wants Sex


After spending six weeks in the Gentle Path rehabilitation center near Hattiesburg, Mississippi, where he was treated for chronic sexual addiction, Tiger Woods apparently still craves sex, according to sources.

“Tiger’s wife, Elin Nordegren, came to pick him up from the clinic,” an unnamed clinician told Glossy News. “She was looking pretty hot and it appeared to me that he had a boner! Either that or he was trying to smuggle a huge banana out in his pocket!”

Woods was not allowed to have sex of any sort at the clinic. Even masturbation was forbidden. Read the full story

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