Tag Archive | "recession"

Recession So Bad, Money Is Worthless

The long lasting recession has caused in many a belief that money no longer has any value.

“What good is it to waste my whole day getting ready for work, going to work, working, going home from work, then spending the rest of my night recovering from work? I might just as well live in a refrigerator box and have my time free.” stated Eli Zacomin, laborer.

Many seem to agree with this idea. Read the full story


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Timedate 2011: Recession Ends, But The Workers Died Long Ago

Economists the world over have stated the news that everyone has been waiting for- that the long, draining recession has finally come to an end and that businesses will start hiring again. Unfortunately, the good news came to a screeching halt when it was discovered that all the workers for those positions had long since starved to death. This immediately plunged the world markets into another recession. Read the full story


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Wall Street Declares Itself An Independent Nation

Wall Street, in a surprising move today, declared itself a separate governing republic and detached from the US. Always considered a bulwark of staunch capitalism, the recent bailout has changed the economic thinking of it’s leaders. Upon succession Wall Str. renamed itself “The Socialist Republic of Wall Str.”. Hugo Chavez sent them a telegram of congratulations.

Critics of this development suggest that having achieved independence Wall Str. would not have to return the $700 billion handout. Read the full story


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America Citizens Revolt: Dismantle Executives

Detroit, MI (GlossyNews) — The citizens of the United States today in a mass movement became the largest bank in the world. Strapped with the responsibility of saving huge financial institutions from insolvency and the auto industry as well as a number of other enterprises, the public finally collectively decided to incorporate themselves.

Demanding a return for their hard-earned taxes, the people insisted that the institutions pay an interest rate of 15% Read the full story


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IKEA To Accept Souls As Currency

In a bold attempt to increase sales, Swedish furniture retailer IKEA has announced that it will soon allow customers to sign away their mortal souls in exchange for store credit. Those whose souls are not wholesome enough to afford more expensive items will be advised to pray before making their final purchase in easy to assemble pews located throughout the stores. Read the full story


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New Construction Soars as Contractors Build without Buyers

Houston (GlossyNews Exclusive) — Housing starts all over the country have soared in the last two weeks as contractors went back to work building with a vengance. Only problem is — there are no buyers. Already over 200 general contractors, in Texas alone, have started projects which will eventually yield 12,000 housing units, two schools and a casino on an Indian reservation. Over 8000 new jobs have been created, although not one dollar of salary has been generated. Read the full story


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Congress Adds Goats to New Economic Stimulus Plan

WASHINGTON – In a continuing effort to avoid recession, House leaders and the White House were pleased to announce plans for a new economic stimulus package that would include a goat, a sack of dry beans, and an acre of farmland.

“People don’t need money, they need bread, or in this case, beans and a goat,” Read the full story


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Shipment of Chinese Crap Raises Homeland Security Alert Level

A huge influx of cheap-good laden ships from Mainland China caused Homeland Security to raise its insecurity level to the orange level today. Normally, goods coming in from China raise no terrorist alerts, but due to the present economic crisis the agency has become aware that the importing of cut-rate merchandise from the former Communist land helps to destroy the American manufacturing base. This also takes jobs away from Americans, but since they have government jobs they know they don’t need to care. Read the full story


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Obama Unveils Big Brother/Big Sister Buddy Plan

The White House – Americans are being asked to team up and pool their resources to further stem the tide of inflation and allow everyone a better chance of getting back on their feet. President Obama, over the weekend, issued a statement regarding his “Buddy Breaks” initiative. Read the full story


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Adam Lambert Quells Concerns on Dubai Credit Crunch

Long having been regarded the financial heart of the Middle East, Dubai rocked world markets this week with announced uncertainty on servicing some $60 billion in debt. So today’s further information was heralded as calming news that will facilitate market stability.

Dubai Financial Ministry spokesman Adam Lambert explained, “Dubai regrets if anybody took it the wrong way, but it was a necessary first step towards a greater plan.” Read the full story


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As Economy Goes Down, Prostitutes Don’t

NEVADA – It’s no secret that the U.S. economy is not in the best of shape. Between the sub-prime mortgage crisis, the credit crunch, the soaring price of oil and the weak dollar, times are tough and getting tougher all the time.

But until now it’s only affected us in minor ways, a foreclosed home here, a family unable to afford gasoline and groceries there, maybe the occasional collapse of the automotive and financial industries. Nothing to get your panties in a twist over. Read the full story


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Geithner’s Pie Chart Shows “Increase” (in quotation marks)

Washington, DC — In an amazing, some would say astounding, turn of events in the world, the Treasury pie chart has begun to show increases. Not quite enough to erase the decreases that have plagued our country – nay, the world at large – but a definite sign that a turnaround is in the works. Read the full story


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Obama May Target World Unemployment

National Enquirer – Part 3 of John’s Smith’s report of his time on Martha’s Vineyard posing as a landscaper at President Obama’s compound. Before he was discovered and removed by Secret Service agents, Smith managed to tape several strategy meetings Obama conducted with advisors. In the following transcript, the President leads a brainstorming session on correcting the nation’s dismal employment situation: Read the full story


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