Tag Archive | "recession"

Poor Banned from Using Money


Today in the US the upper classes succeeded in getting a bill passed banning poor people from using money.

“Money is too good for them.” stated Raymond Emory III, a third generation trust funder, “They only spend it on the little things like food and shelter instead of wonderful things like jewelry or fabulous fashions.”

“The poor live at such a low level anyway.” quipped Ms. Nelly Riva, a photo model who gets paid 20 times her weight daily.

“They could just live off what we cast off and live on the edges of town and use our old boxes to build shanties. Let those of us with important jobs like modeling and selling cosmetics have all the money to use properly.” Read the full story

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Greece Accidentally Receives Loan for Musical


NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — On May 18, 2010, the economically embattled country of Greece received 14.5 billion euros ($17.9 billion USD) in aid from what Greek bankers presumed to be the European Union.

A banking official close to orchestrating a deal with the EU announced the following day, “The 14.5 billion euros was transferred to Greece a short while ago, through an anonymous donor that we believe to be the ECB [European Central Bank].” Read the full story

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CEOs, Economists Taken Out and Shot – Economy Soars


Bronx, NY (GlossyNews) — The world side recession surprisingly ended abruptly today after the CEO’s, Investors and Economists responsible for causing the downturn by bilking investors, gouging company finances and lying to the public were taken out and shot.

Borrowing from the Red Chinese way of shooting economic criminals, the alleged ‘Captains of Society’ were lined up against a wall and mowed down. Read the full story

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Passengers To Clean Airline Cabins, Toilets


Chicago, IL (GlossyNews) — Complex merger talks now underway between United Airlines, Continental Airlines and US Airways include a landmark cost-cutting measure that will require passengers to clean the aircraft cabin and lavatories before leaving the plane.

“These discussions are all about finding efficiencies,” said an airline source close to the ongoing negotiations. “The fact is passengers are already onboard the plane. Read the full story

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Banks Foreclose on Hell — Satan Moves to Scientology Headquarters


Sarasota, Fla (GlossyNews) — Markets around the world were rocked today with news of the imminent foreclosure on Hell by a consortium of major international banks. The announcement came only after months of failed negotiations between Satan and the Associated Minions of the Nether Regions to reach an agreement with creditors on the restructuring of Hell’s dept.

“Isn’t that a kick in the teeth,” said Beelzebub, official spokes-demon for the Associated Minions of the Nether Regions. Read the full story

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Posted in SocietyComments (1)

Fox Analyst Reverses Opinion About Recession After Losing Job


NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — A former Fox News economic analyst, who only last year said the worst part of the recession was over, is coming under fire from liberals for now claiming the economy is worse than ever. When asked what exactly led to his change in opinion, Christopher Jackson said, “I lost my fucking job!” Read the full story

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Recession Forces Upper Class to Flirt with Mediocrity


NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — The recent economic downturn has delivered ubiquitous plight across America, but no other group has been as dramatically affected as the upper class. This was readily apparent by watching patrons exit one of New York’s top wine bars on Tuesday. Read the full story

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California Professors Compare 4% Pay Cut to Holocaust


Berkley, CA (BNSE) — California college professors and students took to the streets again today to protest Governor Schwarzenegger’s stark austerity plans to bring the deficit burdened California state budget back in line. Chief among their complaints are designated cut backs in the state’s higher education budget, including reductions in the number of courses offered, tuition increases, and a 4% pay cut for teaching professors. Outraged professors compared the pay cut to World War II Nazi Holocaust of 6 million Jews, the Rape of Nan-king, and the burning of the Library at Alexandria, among other historical tragedies. Read the full story

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Old Man Potter Saves Bedford Falls from Subprime Lender, Bailey


BEDFORD FALLS, IN (GlossyNews) — Five more financial institutions were closed this week by federal regulators, bringing the total number of U.S. failed banks this year to 140, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation said. OneWest Bank was the first casualty of the morning. More surprising was the announcement that officials had seized the assets of and shuttered the Bailey Savings & Loan in Bedford Falls. Read the full story

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Do Tea Partiers Still Pretend to Miss Georgey Bush?


A sign board has appeared along a Minnesota road asking passerby’s if they miss the days of George W. Bush’s presidential rule. Apparently times are so bad for some that they will go to that length in nostalgia. Some seem to remember fondly the days when we believed in simpler things, like a ‘won’ war in Iraq in which no one counted the dollar cost of it or the body count on both sides. Read the full story

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Report Shows Americans Healthier Than Ever – 20 Million Give Up Health Insurance


Americans have long enjoyed a position of hard fought superiority over the rest of the world’s citizens. For centuries, Americans have both rocked and kicked ass. Just ask them. The United States is often promoted as a paragon of military prowess, economic might, moral fortitude, opportunity, and civil rights. Read the full story

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Job-Saving Tips For Looking Important At Work


Hello again. Since good jobs are hard to find and higher ups are often looking for staff to trim, today I am going to share with you some of my favorite tips for looking important in the workplace.

We all know that in the workplace, perception becomes reality, i.e. the more important you look the more important people will think you are. So the tips I will share with you today are useful to all employees, from the lowest levels to the executive on the move. So here are my tips for looking important. Read the full story

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Tips on Keeping Your Job in a Sucky Economy


Well I am still employed! So things can’t be too bad. Every day while having my coffee and donuts, I read about massive layoffs and wonder if the ax will ever fall over here. So today I am going to offer some valuable tips to the working men and woman of America on how to look busy at work so you don’t get your lazy assets fired. Read the full story

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Van Morrison Files for Bankruptcy Despite Not Being an American


This article was written and published as a satire on the fiscal state of wasteful celebrities, specifically Nicolas Cage, who has earned vast fortunes but still went broke. We learned that some have taken this farce as fact, but wish to set the record straight. This story IN NO WAY reflects upon Mr. Morrison and he has NOT filed for bankruptcy. He was simply chosen because his music has remained timelessly brilliant throughout the decades.

DUBLIN – Irish singer and curmudgeon Van Morrison has filed for bankruptcy in Irish Bankruptcy Court, according to a notice published on his official website today. The famously gruff singer-songwriter informed his fans that he has debts of 652 million € and assets of only 40 million € yet he stopped short of accepting responsibility for his financial meltdown. Read the full story

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Special Hell for CEOs Created


God Almighty in close association with Satan has created a special hell for CEO’s and other business leaders who have helped to create the present worldwide financial meltdown (it seems Satan himself couldn’t stomach the gall of these money-engorged maggots and willingly agreed to work in conjunction with his nemesis). In one of the most colossal constructions since the six days it took to make the universe, the two, working under the corporate title ‘Raising Hell’ created the following new sectors, much on the order of a really unpleasant theme park: Read the full story

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Warning: Bank Zombies Out to Get You


A new, terrifying species of vampire has been discovered that has begun a feeding frenzy throughout the world. The horrifying part is that it haunts the least likely of places, your local bank!

This vampire is a new one for the books. It feeds not off your body’s lifeforce, blood, but rather your economic lifeforce, money. These are the financial bloodsuckers, the bankers who, unable to draw their living from realms outside their immediate domains due to the deep recession, now must feed off the very customers who use their services. Read the full story

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