Tag Archive | "recession"

Things We Should Have Learned From the Recession


Warning- This is an unfunny article.

Things we should have learned from the recession:

That when the chips are down and they are losing money, the big companies will give up their Ann Rand for Karl Marx and take bailout money from the government which is the worst type of socialism there ever was. Read the full story

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Layoffs Rampant, Fired Employee Knows Solution (COMIC)


We’ve all worked in this kind of office. You know the solution is so simple it’s right in your face, but you’d be crazy to come right out and say it… well, this guy did.

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SCROLL DOWN TO SEE THE COMIC FULL SIZE

5-economic-stimulus1

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We need more debt, please!


My cousin Penin Diaz, a used car salesman, claims to have found the solution to stimulating the economy, ending the home foreclosure crisis and reducing unemployment (or at least the loss of income due to unemployment). I unfortunately owe him a favor for marrying my sister, so I agreed to publish the following interview with him:

RIGHT: Penin Diaz has a plan to end the recession. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Very Enterprising: Casket of Candy


With the economy in dire conditions entrepreneurs are looking to invest in recession proof businesses resulting in hundreds of coffin/candy shops springing up all over the country.

Often branded as the ‘place to bury a loved one and unearth a candy’, owner of the Coffin Candy Showrooms, Aaron Willis told Glossy News why his business is such a success:

“Well firstly it’s down to good management, a good team and excellent promotion. You have to get the advertising just right.” Read the full story

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Exposé: Under the Table with the Romneys


The Ann Romney ironing board story unfolds with a new wrinkle.

Photographs posted today by Households Without Housekeepers reveal the wall-unit ironing board reportedly used as the Romney dining table was in fact a Murphy bed.

The labor activist organization refused to name the source of the photographs.

The most damning picture showed the bed set for a dinner party of six, complete with sterling silverware by Tiffany placed beside antique bone china offset by dazzling Waterford crystal stemware, each flourished with an etched entwined double R. An ice sculpture of Brigham Young doubled as a centerpiece designed to keep the Beluga caviar cold. Read the full story

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Posted in Human Interest, PoliticsComments (3)

Nation’s Debt Crisis Solved – No Need to Thank me – Conclusion


Previously, I shared several brilliant ways we can pay down the nation’s debt. But I was just getting started. I saved my best ideas for last.

Mount Rushmore: $8.2 billion. Comes with lifelike sculptures of three of our greatest presidents (plus Theodore Roosevelt). There’s even room for one more face. What better way to show your father you love him next Father’s Day than by carving his likeness right next to Honest Abe’s.

For just $3 billion more, you can even replace Thomas Jefferson with your own likeness (this offer not available to recently dethroned African or Middle Eastern Dictators). Read the full story

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, PoliticsComments (2)

Nation’s Debt Crisis Solved – No Need to Thank Me


Here’s a number that might scare you: $14,132,959,955,340. That’s 14 trillion dollars, give or take a few hundred billion. That’s the current estimate of our national debt according to the OMB (Office of Management and Budget). Here’s a slightly smaller but equally frightening number: $1 million. Read the full story

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Greek Economic Collapse Could Have Knock-On Effect for Other Not-America Countries


ATHENS, GREECE – As votes continue to be counted in the Greek general election, worries continue to mount that the fallout from the country’s potential economic collapse could have a knock-on effect for many other not-America countries.

Should Greece fail to meet the terms of its $130 billion bailout program, then the nation of Italy, which is not the United States of America, could suffer huge financial depression. Read the full story

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Obama Apologizes For Time It’s Taken To Clean Up Bush’s Mess


President blames himself for underestimating extent to which his Republican predecessor managed to f*ck everything up. 

WASHINGTON – In a conciliatory address to the nation today, President Obama apologized for the amount of time it has taken for him to dig America out of the incredibly deep sh*thole it was left in by the Bush administration. Read the full story

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ATM Worried About Job Prospects in Cashless Economy


COLUMBUS, OH – As plastic and electronic methods continue to replace cash as consumers’ preferred means of payment, fears about the long-term impact of this trend are running high among a key segment of the nation’s banking workforce, specifically its network of increasingly obsolete automated teller machines (ATMs). Read the full story

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Poor Can No Longer Protect Rich From Harsh Realities Of Life


Tragedy has hit the upper levels of our society today as the economic crisis has caused many of the rich to lose their cushion of poor people that have previously protected them from having to experience the basics of life. Many of the rich now have to polish their own silverware, trim their own gardens, do their own sewing due to their staff having starved to death or not having the money or transportation to even get to work. Read the full story

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EXPOSE! – Artificial Recession Created to Prop Up World’s Billionaires


The current recession is a big success state stated the heads of all the multi national corporations unanimously in their secret publication The Upper Crust Of The Upper Crust.

This publication is known and distributed only to those possessing more than 50 million dollars or controlling more than 10% of the local economy in whatever country they are in. Read the full story

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Posted in Politics, World NewsComments (1)

We Should Have Let The Debt Deadline Pass


We have missed a great opportunity. Instead of passing a debt ceiling agreement, we should have just let the poop hit the fan and let everything fall though. Bills would go unpaid- then we would learn what our true priorities are and pay those. Read the full story

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Posted in Serious CommentaryComments (8)

Obama Boldly Removes Aioli Spreads from White House Menu


WASHINGTON DC—In an effort to prove that decreasing the U.S. deficit will require shared sacrifices, President Obama announced on Tuesday that he will eliminate aioli spreads from the White House Menu.

“Let me be clear. We are not limiting these cuts to the traditional Garlic aioli,” the President told a group of reporters at the White House on Tuesday afternoon, “No. We’re cutting all kinds of aioli—Chipotle, Basil, Dill, Tarragon, even Mint, despite the fact that it goes so well over the Braised Lamb Shanks with Thyme.” Read the full story

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Early Risers Threaten World Domination


Cambridge, Mass – GlossyNews.com – As if there weren’t enough catastrophes hanging over the world already, Harverford University’s World Crisis Laboratory has identified a brand new threat to planet earth, namely, early risers.

What are early risers? They’re those zombie-like folks seen haunting subway platforms at five and six o’clock in the morning; driving cars with headlights on in the gloom of early winter mornings, even in dense snowstorms; ascending in office building elevators eager to get to their offices at a time of day when normal people are still under covers in warm beds hitting the snooze button on their clock radio for the sixth time. Read the full story

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Unemployment Dips, Executive Pay Soars (with little taxes)


Unemployment took an unexpected turn for the better, with 216,000 new jobs added to payroll last month. And while The USA Today reported that 2010 saw median incomes rise 2.1%, it also reported that median CEO pay jumped 27% for the same period.

To summarize today versus last year:
– If you didn’t have a job, there’s a 12% chance* you found one.
– If you did have a job, your income went up about 2%
– If you are a CEO, your income went up an average of $1.9 million. Read the full story

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