Tag Archive | "recession"

Things We Should Have Learned From the Recession


Warning- This is an unfunny article.

Things we should have learned from the recession:

That when the chips are down and they are losing money, the big companies will give up their Ann Rand for Karl Marx and take bailout money from the government which is the worst type of socialism there ever was. Read the full story

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We Need More Debt, Please


My cousin Penin Diaz, a used car salesman, claims to have found the solution to stimulating the economy, ending the home foreclosure crisis and reducing unemployment (or at least the loss of income due to unemployment). I unfortunately owe him a favor for marrying my sister, so I agreed to publish the following interview with him:

RIGHT: Penin Diaz has a plan to end the recession. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Very Enterprising: Casket of Candy


With the economy in dire conditions entrepreneurs are looking to invest in recession proof businesses resulting in hundreds of coffin/candy shops springing up all over the country.

Often branded as the ‘place to bury a loved one and unearth a candy’, owner of the Coffin Candy Showrooms, Aaron Willis told Glossy News why his business is such a success:

“Well firstly it’s down to good management, a good team and excellent promotion. You have to get the advertising just right.” Read the full story

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Exposé: Under the Table with the Romneys


The Ann Romney ironing board story unfolds with a new wrinkle.

Photographs posted today by Households Without Housekeepers reveal the wall-unit ironing board reportedly used as the Romney dining table was in fact a Murphy bed.

The labor activist organization refused to name the source of the photographs.

The most damning picture showed the bed set for a dinner party of six, complete with sterling silverware by Tiffany placed beside antique bone china offset by dazzling Waterford crystal stemware, each flourished with an etched entwined double R. An ice sculpture of Brigham Young doubled as a centerpiece designed to keep the Beluga caviar cold. Read the full story

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Posted in Human Interest, PoliticsComments (3)

Nation’s Debt Crisis Solved – No Need to Thank me – Conclusion


Previously, I shared several brilliant ways we can pay down the nation’s debt. But I was just getting started. I saved my best ideas for last.

Mount Rushmore: $8.2 billion. Comes with lifelike sculptures of three of our greatest presidents (plus Theodore Roosevelt). There’s even room for one more face. What better way to show your father you love him next Father’s Day than by carving his likeness right next to Honest Abe’s.

For just $3 billion more, you can even replace Thomas Jefferson with your own likeness (this offer not available to recently dethroned African or Middle Eastern Dictators). Read the full story

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Nation’s Debt Crisis Solved – No Need to Thank Me


Here’s a number that might scare you: $14,132,959,955,340. That’s 14 trillion dollars, give or take a few hundred billion. That’s the current estimate of our national debt according to the OMB (Office of Management and Budget). Here’s a slightly smaller but equally frightening number: $1 million. Read the full story

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Greek Economic Collapse Could Have Knock-On Effect for Other Not-America Countries


ATHENS, GREECE – As votes continue to be counted in the Greek general election, worries continue to mount that the fallout from the country’s potential economic collapse could have a knock-on effect for many other not-America countries.

Should Greece fail to meet the terms of its $130 billion bailout program, then the nation of Italy, which is not the United States of America, could suffer huge financial depression. Read the full story

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Obama Apologizes For Time It’s Taken To Clean Up Bush’s Mess


President blames himself for underestimating extent to which his Republican predecessor managed to f*ck everything up. 

WASHINGTON – In a conciliatory address to the nation today, President Obama apologized for the amount of time it has taken for him to dig America out of the incredibly deep sh*thole it was left in by the Bush administration. Read the full story

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ATM Worried About Job Prospects in Cashless Economy


COLUMBUS, OH – As plastic and electronic methods continue to replace cash as consumers’ preferred means of payment, fears about the long-term impact of this trend are running high among a key segment of the nation’s banking workforce, specifically its network of increasingly obsolete automated teller machines (ATMs). Read the full story

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Poor Can No Longer Protect Rich From Harsh Realities Of Life


Tragedy has hit the upper levels of our society today as the economic crisis has caused many of the rich to lose their cushion of poor people that have previously protected them from having to experience the basics of life. Many of the rich now have to polish their own silverware, trim their own gardens, do their own sewing due to their staff having starved to death or not having the money or transportation to even get to work. Read the full story

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We Should Have Let The Debt Deadline Pass


We have missed a great opportunity. Instead of passing a debt ceiling agreement, we should have just let the poop hit the fan and let everything fall though. Bills would go unpaid- then we would learn what our true priorities are and pay those. Read the full story

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Obama Boldly Removes Aioli Spreads from White House Menu


WASHINGTON DC—In an effort to prove that decreasing the U.S. deficit will require shared sacrifices, President Obama announced on Tuesday that he will eliminate aioli spreads from the White House Menu.

“Let me be clear. We are not limiting these cuts to the traditional Garlic aioli,” the President told a group of reporters at the White House on Tuesday afternoon, “No. We’re cutting all kinds of aioli—Chipotle, Basil, Dill, Tarragon, even Mint, despite the fact that it goes so well over the Braised Lamb Shanks with Thyme.” Read the full story

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Early Risers Threaten World Domination


Cambridge, Mass – GlossyNews.com – As if there weren’t enough catastrophes hanging over the world already, Harverford University’s World Crisis Laboratory has identified a brand new threat to planet earth, namely, early risers.

What are early risers? They’re those zombie-like folks seen haunting subway platforms at five and six o’clock in the morning; driving cars with headlights on in the gloom of early winter mornings, even in dense snowstorms; ascending in office building elevators eager to get to their offices at a time of day when normal people are still under covers in warm beds hitting the snooze button on their clock radio for the sixth time. Read the full story

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Bono and Geldof ask Africa to save Ireland


Soweto: Irish pop stars Bob Geldof and U2’s Bono have announced their latest African tour for October of this year. The tour, aptly named “DebtAid” is set to raise funds and prevent famine in the recession-stricken Irish Republic.

“This time we’ve changed things slightly and decided to tour Africa in an effort to eradicate poverty in Ireland,” explained Bono, whose nation is sitting on a sovereign debt disaster, IMF loans totalling 85 billion Euro, Read the full story

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Recession Success of Walmart, McDonalds Proves God “Kind of a Jerk”


As a sign of His contempt for mankind and its ways, God has played the biggest practical joke of all time by allowing the worst exploiters of the economy and the human work force to be the only ones making a profit in the present recession.

Both Walmart and McDonald’s have had huge profits while the rest of the economy has floundered. The masses of people, fearing layoffs, foreclosures and looming poverty have been flocking to the renowned cheap mass market outlets to save their dwindling cash reserves. Read the full story

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Economy Ramps Up – But Workers Have All Starved To Death


STURGIS, Mississippi (GlossyNews) — The bailout recovery has finally come full circle as the recipients have finally stabilized their companies and are ready to rehire their workers. A shock came about, however, when it was found out that most of their old workers had either starved to death or were homeless and couldn’t be found.

“It was surprising to us.” said Chief Investor Charles Fatbelly, speaking at the ‘Back On Top’ banquet for top Wall Street executives while munching on pheasant under glass. “I thought there was supposed to be a trickle down of some sort. Oh, well, we’ll just import some people from India.” Read the full story

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