The current recession is a big success state stated the heads of all the multi national corporations unanimously in their secret publication The Upper Crust Of The Upper Crust.

This publication is known and distributed only to those possessing more than 50 million dollars or controlling more than 10% of the local economy in whatever country they are in.

Reading from a copy carelessly thrown away in Bill Gates’s trash bin, we were able to glean this information from an article therein entitled “We’re In The Money, The REAL Money!” in which it becomes evident from the exuberant writing that the bad economy that has plagued us since the fall of 2007 was a planned and controlled event by the top corporate forces that run things in our financial world.

Using a series of ingeniously camouflaged, decoyed ploys, the top richest 2% of the world’s moneyed people managed to shift the balance of power so that they effectively controlled 98% of the world’s wealth.

“An amazing economic coup d’ tat!” crowed the article. “The world’s wealth now belongs in our hands where it should be. We have successfully eliminated the middle class and made slaves of the lower class and the managers who direct them.”

It is now apparent that the entire 2007 recession was an economic set up for the takeover by the upper classes of the entire financial systems of the modern world. By ballooning the housing market and shoving banks to the point of bankruptcy, they have successfully impoverished the entire working class by pulling the rug out from under them by attacking them at their most basic needs- their money and their living spaces.

It has successfully put them into such a position of desperation and need that the rich will now have a source of cheap labor for the next decade. Already normal people cannot manage to save any money and are forced to work mind bending hours at low wages just to survive.

There is a great pool of homeless in such difficult straits that they will do anything for work. The brilliant maneuvering of the upper class has successfully stripped the lower and middle classes of whatever power or wealth they had.

“The world is our oyster and the bottom feeders can have our scraps to suck on! Let them eat cake, or, better yet, let them eat the crumbs of ours.” states the article. “We have now replaced God as the top man for them to worship.”

We have missed a great opportunity. Instead of passing a debt ceiling agreement, we should have just let the poop hit the fan and let everything fall though. Bills would go unpaid- then we would learn what our true priorities are and pay those. Read the full story

WASHINGTON DC—In an effort to prove that decreasing the U.S. deficit will require shared sacrifices, President Obama announced on Tuesday that he will eliminate aioli spreads from the White House Menu.

“Let me be clear. We are not limiting these cuts to the traditional Garlic aioli,” the President told a group of reporters at the White House on Tuesday afternoon, “No. We’re cutting all kinds of aioli—Chipotle, Basil, Dill, Tarragon, even Mint, despite the fact that it goes so well over the Braised Lamb Shanks with Thyme.” Read the full story

Cambridge, Mass – GlossyNews.com – As if there weren’t enough catastrophes hanging over the world already, Harverford University’s World Crisis Laboratory has identified a brand new threat to planet earth, namely, early risers.

What are early risers? They’re those zombie-like folks seen haunting subway platforms at five and six o’clock in the morning; driving cars with headlights on in the gloom of early winter mornings, even in dense snowstorms; ascending in office building elevators eager to get to their offices at a time of day when normal people are still under covers in warm beds hitting the snooze button on their clock radio for the sixth time. Read the full story

Unemployment took an unexpected turn for the better, with 216,000 new jobs added to payroll last month. And while The USA Today reported that 2010 saw median incomes rise 2.1%, it also reported that median CEO pay jumped 27% for the same period.

To summarize today versus last year:
- If you didn’t have a job, there’s a 12% chance* you found one.
- If you did have a job, your income went up about 2%
- If you are a CEO, your income went up an average of $1.9 million. Read the full story

Soweto: Irish pop stars Bob Geldof and U2’s Bono have announced their latest African tour for October of this year. The tour, aptly named “DebtAid” is set to raise funds and prevent famine in the recession-stricken Irish Republic.

“This time we’ve changed things slightly and decided to tour Africa in an effort to eradicate poverty in Ireland,” explained Bono, whose nation is sitting on a sovereign debt disaster, IMF loans totalling 85 billion Euro, Read the full story

As a sign of His contempt for mankind and its ways, God has played the biggest practical joke of all time by allowing the worst exploiters of the economy and the human work force to be the only ones making a profit in the present recession.

Both Walmart and McDonald’s have had huge profits while the rest of the economy has floundered. The masses of people, fearing layoffs, foreclosures and looming poverty have been flocking to the renowned cheap mass market outlets to save their dwindling cash reserves. Read the full story

STURGIS, Mississippi (GlossyNews) — The bailout recovery has finally come full circle as the recipients have finally stabilized their companies and are ready to rehire their workers. A shock came about, however, when it was found out that most of their old workers had either starved to death or were homeless and couldn’t be found.

“It was surprising to us.” said Chief Investor Charles Fatbelly, speaking at the ‘Back On Top’ banquet for top Wall Street executives while munching on pheasant under glass. “I thought there was supposed to be a trickle down of some sort. Oh, well, we’ll just import some people from India.” Read the full story

Today in the US the upper classes succeeded in getting a bill passed banning poor people from using money.

“Money is too good for them.” stated Raymond Emory III, a third generation trust funder, “They only spend it on the little things like food and shelter instead of wonderful things like jewelry or fabulous fashions.”

“The poor live at such a low level anyway.” quipped Ms. Nelly Riva, a photo model who gets paid 20 times her weight daily.

“They could just live off what we cast off and live on the edges of town and use our old boxes to build shanties. Let those of us with important jobs like modeling and selling cosmetics have all the money to use properly.” Read the full story

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — On May 18, 2010, the economically embattled country of Greece received 14.5 billion euros ($17.9 billion USD) in aid from what Greek bankers presumed to be the European Union.

A banking official close to orchestrating a deal with the EU announced the following day, “The 14.5 billion euros was transferred to Greece a short while ago, through an anonymous donor that we believe to be the ECB [European Central Bank].” Read the full story

Bronx, NY (GlossyNews) — The world side recession surprisingly ended abruptly today after the CEO’s, Investors and Economists responsible for causing the downturn by bilking investors, gouging company finances and lying to the public were taken out and shot.

Borrowing from the Red Chinese way of shooting economic criminals, the alleged ‘Captains of Society’ were lined up against a wall and mowed down. Read the full story

Chicago, IL (GlossyNews) — Complex merger talks now underway between United Airlines, Continental Airlines and US Airways include a landmark cost-cutting measure that will require passengers to clean the aircraft cabin and lavatories before leaving the plane.

“These discussions are all about finding efficiencies,” said an airline source close to the ongoing negotiations. “The fact is passengers are already onboard the plane. Read the full story

Sarasota, Fla (GlossyNews) — Markets around the world were rocked today with news of the imminent foreclosure on Hell by a consortium of major international banks. The announcement came only after months of failed negotiations between Satan and the Associated Minions of the Nether Regions to reach an agreement with creditors on the restructuring of Hell’s dept.

“Isn’t that a kick in the teeth,” said Beelzebub, official spokes-demon for the Associated Minions of the Nether Regions. Read the full story

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — A former Fox News economic analyst, who only last year said the worst part of the recession was over, is coming under fire from liberals for now claiming the economy is worse than ever. When asked what exactly led to his change in opinion, Christopher Jackson said, “I lost my fucking job!” Read the full story

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — The recent economic downturn has delivered ubiquitous plight across America, but no other group has been as dramatically affected as the upper class. This was readily apparent by watching patrons exit one of New York’s top wine bars on Tuesday. Read the full story

Berkley, CA (BNSE) — California college professors and students took to the streets again today to protest Governor Schwarzenegger’s stark austerity plans to bring the deficit burdened California state budget back in line. Chief among their complaints are designated cut backs in the state’s higher education budget, including reductions in the number of courses offered, tuition increases, and a 4% pay cut for teaching professors. Outraged professors compared the pay cut to World War II Nazi Holocaust of 6 million Jews, the Rape of Nan-king, and the burning of the Library at Alexandria, among other historical tragedies. Read the full story