Tag Archive | "productivity"

U.S. Employers Look to Increase Productivity By Hiring More Human Centipedes


WASHINGTON — Following the U.S. Department of Labor’s recent report that employee productivity fell 3.2 percent in the first quarter of 2014, many companies are looking to overcome such weak proletariat performance by investing in the hiring of more human centipedes. Read the full story

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TGIT – Thank God It’s Tuesday


Last November and December, I experienced some shortened work weeks thanks to the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. Both holidays were preceded by shortened three-day work weeks, so I had to be extremely focused, making efficient use of every minute of every work day.

I cut way back on the amount of time I would otherwise spend watching lame YouTube videos involving practical jokes where some unsuspecting dude gets kicked in the family jewels (I can never get enough of that highbrow humor). Read the full story

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Evil Excel Spreadsheet Doing Everything In Power to Stop Guy Leaving Work on Time


INDIANAPOLIS – Seemingly not content to just let office worker Aaron McMillan clock out of work at the regular time of five-thirty, a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet is doing everything in its Goddamn power Monday to make sure that McMillan stays behind at least another 3 minutes, while it just does its thing.

Taking an effing lifetime to finish saving, the spreadsheet, which the 31-year-old Wepler Finance employee had seamlessly used throughout his schedule to input the company’s quarterly profits, initially seemed to be closing down before it just now froze up. Read the full story

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Romney to Advertise New Lovelife Product


Former governor Mitt Romney may have lost the presidential election last November, but coming up short at the ballot box isn’t keeping him down—at least not in spirit.

According to breaking reports, Romney has been hired as a spokesperson to advertise the new lovelife product being marketed by Staples called “Leather Binders for Women.” Read the full story

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Everyone in Office Takes Vacation Day on Gay Guy’s Birthday


When Morey Leonard arrived at work today, riding high because for once during the year everyone in the office will be nice to him, he found nearly everyone had taken the day off. This seemed strange because just a few weeks ago, Leonard wanted a day off to drive his partner to the airport for an extended trip to see his sick father. His request was denied because, “the office can’t function with more than two people out at a time.” Read the full story

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Bathroom Reading At Work, Man Sets Own Record


Chicago – Looking for some peace and quiet to catch up on your reading? Try the bathroom at work. That’s right. Scott Edmunds (Not his real name), an accountant for an unnamed accounting firm in Chicago, recently read the entire Wall Street Journal and the entire NY Times while on the john at work. Read the full story

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