Tag Archive | "Ohio"

The Condemned No Longer Fear The Reaper


FLORENCE, Ariz. (GlossyNews) — A government think tank has come up with a novel idea to ensure there are no more botched executions like the one that occurred this week in Arizona. States have traveled a long and winding road to find alternatives after a shortage of standard execution drugs. This shortage was created by European drug manufacturers banging their opposition to capital punishment like a cowbell. Thus far, States have been unsuccessful in finding suitable alternatives as exemplified by West Virginia’s “meth, gun powder and white lightening” concoction that just seems to make the condemned more hostile than usual. Read the full story

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Plan to Introduce Head Lice in Ohio Schools Has Many Scratching Their Heads


The Ohio State Board of Education is set to vote on a new policy aimed at curbing violence in Ohio schools by introducing head lice to K-12 campuses statewide.

The vote comes on the heels of a similar decision by the Montpelier Board of Education, which approved a measure to release head lice onto K-12 students of the Williams County School District earlier this year.

School officials say the decision to voluntarily infest Ohio students is aimed at preventing incidents of violence among students relying on on “a proven method with roots predating human history.”

“Look, if you’re like most people, just hearing the word ‘lice’ makes you want to scratch,” said Harry Pickens, Public Relations Director for the Ohio Department of Education.

“But guess what?” he asked, inspecting my head carefully. “You get used to it! Head lice aren’t harmful. They aren’t dangerous. They don’t spread disease, or cause injury. They’re not even unsanitary! In fact, they are most happy when living, feeding and reproducing on a regularly cleaned human head.

“But more importantly,” Pickens continued, smoothing my hair back into place, “the act of social grooming – picking lice out of each other’s hair, for example – is a crucial activity among social creatures like primates and humans, and has been for tens of millions of years. It reinforces social structures and family links, and helps build relationships. Social grooming is even a basis for reconciliation and conflict resolution.

“Mark my words: That’s just the sort of thing that’s going to keep these kids from shooting each other someday,” he said, scratching.

“Not to nit-pick, but when we wage a war on head lice and win, we actually lose, because a fundamental method of building human relationships dies along with them,” concluded Pickens. “The only clear winners here are the shampoo companies.”

While the Board of Education’s plan gets under the skin of some Ohio residents, others find it less irritating than previous alternatives.

Ohio native Morgan Lingonberry of Defiance County had this to say:

“When I was a kid, the teacher stuffed a sock in my mouth, duct-taped my hands and feet together, and threw me in a plywood box down the hall when I misbehaved in class. But, who knows? Maybe if the girl that sat behind me in math class had been picking bugs out of my hair, it would have calmed me down a little bit. I probably wouldn’t have gotten into nearly so much trouble.”

The Ohio Association of School Nurses’ position on the issue: “Studies have shown that head lice are not harmful to anything but our delicate sensibilities. There is clearly an unnecessary social stigma surrounding these hapless blood-sucking vermin. If having lice didn’t result in social judgment, we probably wouldn’t even care about them at all.

“On the other hand, studies have also shown that mutual grooming is a precursor to coitus and pair bonding, so the Ohio school board will probably need to balance their efforts by handing out lots of condoms to lice-infested teens.”

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Romney Leads Among Schizophrenics


GlossyNews.com – CLEVELAND – A new Gallup poll released today finds that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney continues to trail President Obama in popularity among women, African-Americans, Hispanics, Asians, people with cell phones, people aware of the internet, and voters under the age of 30.

However, the poll also found that Mr. Romney has managed to gain strong support among a key demographic here in the battleground state of Ohio: voters with multiple personality disorder (MPD). Read the full story

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Romney Camp Launches Last Minute “Why Vote?” Ad Blitz


GlossyNews.com – Television ads have been running furiously in swing states like Iowa, Ohio, Florida, New Hampshire, Old Hampshire and Colorado, but one new ad hit the airwaves last night. The GOP sponsored “Why Vote?” campaign, paid for by Romney Victory Inc.

The ad starts with a woman at her table, sorting through what looks like bills. You hear a baby crying in the background and a man yelling at her from off camera in Spanish. Read the full story

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Meet Howard & Marjorie Grunfeldt of Pickerington, Ohio – America’s Last Remaining Undecided Voters


With each passing week, the 2012 presidential race is getting tighter and tighter.

The most recent Gallup poll has it at 49.99999999% for Romney and 49.99999999% for Obama. A dead heat.

Scientists have discovered molecules with more space between them than these polling numbers.

Just three months ago, the number of battleground states had narrowed to eight. In the past month, it has narrowed even further – to just one state: Ohio. Both candidates have been spending so much time in this state they now know most Ohioans on a first-name basis, as well as their pets. Read the full story

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Keith Olbermann Announces 174th Day of Mind-Numbing Ordinariness in Columbus, Ohio


As every viewer of Countdown with Keith Olbermann on MSNBC knows, at the very end of his show, Keith Olbermann makes a point of counting down the days from when Bush declared “Mission Accomplished” in Iraq, the beginning of the Iraq war, and more recently, the day of the oil rig explosion that killed 9 oil workers in the Gulf of Mexico.

Facing criticisms for his negative view of the world, Olbermann has been asked why he only focuses on issues over which we have no control when he could be bringing to light matters that we may be able to turn around for the better. Read the full story

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