Tag Archive | "mormon"

Romney Points to Fact That $2.8m in Taxes is Far Higher than What Most Americans Pay

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Embattled Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has defended himself over the controversy surrounding his tax percentage, insisting that the $2.8m he pays annually is “far more than what most people pay in a single year.”

Speaking at a campaign event in Tallahassee ahead of Saturday’s primary election, Mr Romney hit back at suggestions that he is out of touch with working families across America, who he said “only have to pay an annual average tax amount of around $6,000.” Read the full story


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Romney Legacy: Vowed to Build an America That People Can Be Leaving

CONCORD, NH – Following a series of primary victories Tuesday, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has vowed to build an America that voters from across the entire nation can truly be leaving.

Winning a significant number of delegates in New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Delaware and Pennsylvania yesterday, the former Massachusetts governor insisted that he will defeat Barack Obama in November’s election and implement “hugely divisive” policies that will see millions of Americans return to the lands of their forebears. Read the full story


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Jodi Arias’s Shocking Sex Claim Stuns Mormon Community

In a trial that has been laced with sexual revelations that have left many scratching their heads, probably the one that caused the most shock in the Mormon community was uttered by the defendant today.

Trying to recover from days of extensive cross examination, Jodi Arias responded to a question by her defense attorney with, “Yeah, it’s kind of funny, but for a Mormon he never showed any interest in the missionary position.”

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Election 2012 Over; Will Lessons Learned Fade as Quickly as the Scars?

The 2012 elections were stressful and trying for those on both sides of the political spectrum, but it’s easy to see why nobody had it worse than Brian K. White, the editor of Glossy News.

After all, I did have 62-articles to edit on election day alone, and I followed this thing so passionately I would have named my first born after it had the timing been different.

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So here’s what we actually learned from the 2012 election cycle: Read the full story


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Mitt Romney Vows To Create Armageddon

GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced today that, if elected, he promises to fulfill the Bible’s promise of Armageddon and allow all faithful Mormon practitioners to achieve Rapture.

“The time for Armageddon is nigh!” Romney stated to some of his followers. “I shall lead the Mormon people to Rapture as is promised in the Bible!”

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Romney claims that he is the chosen one to lead the wealthy Mormon people to the promised land and the poor, uneducated non-Mormon citizens to hell. Read the full story


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Mitt Romney Admits to Masturbating

GOP Presidential candidate and devout Mormon Mitt Romney admitted today that he ‘experimented’ once with masturbation when he was in college.

“It was a stupid youthful experimentation”, Romney explained. “I’m not proud of it, I didn’t ejaculate, I didn’t enjoy it and I would never do it again”.

The Mormon church expressly prohibits the ‘wonton spilling of one’s seed’ and forbids any type of orgasm before marriage, according to religious sources. Romney spent several years in Europe as a Mormon missionary before entering the business world.

Romney explained that during his time at Stanford University in 1965 he frequently came in contact with attractive women but most times managed to control his urge to masturbate.

“There was just one time I caught a peek under Sharon Miller’s skirt and this stimulated me. “I only stroked a few times but stopped when I considered the wrath of God”, Romney told Glossynews.

News officials are attempting to locate Ms Miller for comment.

Romney said despite his youthful indiscretion he urges young people not to masturbate and to simply wait for marriage before achieving orgasm.

“Orgasms are for producing offspring”, Romney continued. “I have five children. I have had five orgasms”.

Romney’s son Tagg said his father would sometimes embarrass when he was little him by asking, “how’s my little orgasm doing today?”

Mormon church officials claim Romney violated one of the sacred tenants of the church by masturbating but this one indiscretion alone should not qualify him for excommunication.

“But we might excommunicate him just for being such a dumb ass!” the official stated.


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Hey Mormons, Stop By & Answer a Few Questions

I had a limited understanding of Mormons, those of the Latter Day Saints faith, prior to 2012 when Romney became the Republican nominee… but now that he’s out there front and center, I have some serious questions to ask you guys.

I knew a few Mormons in high school, a few more in college, and a bigger handful since becoming an adult. Here’s what I would say from my experience with Mormons up until that point. Read the full story


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In Desperate Bid For Reelection, White House Reveals Secret Beer Recipe

President Obama, in a desperate bid to gain the following of on-the-fence Independent and Republican beer drinkers, has revealed the secret recipe for White House Honey Brown Ale.

Throughout the past three years the White House has been manufacturing the brew in a secret location on the White House grounds.

Several online petitions have been sent to the White House demanding the recipe, though White House aides have been tight-lipped. Read the full story


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Prop 8 SCOTUS Vote Jerks GOPTea© Full Circle

WASHINGTON DC —GlossyNews There’s a small but rising fear in some GOPTea© circles that if SCOTUS agrees that California’s Prop 8 is unconstitutional, Romney will lose a very effective rallying point for evangelical conservatives. Read the full story


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Historians: Brigham Young May Have Been Black, Hams Rejoice

Historians have discovered that Brigham Young, the second Prophet and President of the LDS (Mormon) Church was actually black. Dr. Hyrum Kimball at Northern Utah State University revealed his controversial findings at a symposium of Mormon History marking the 180th anniversary of the founding of the LDS Church.

“These findings have been verified through DNA checking of samples of blood and hair that were within the Mormon archives. We also exhumed the body when the results were known to make sure that samples had not been switched or contaminated in any way. The testing was confirmed by three separate labs.” Read the full story


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Glenn Beck’s Daughter Sells Daddy’s Drool on E-Bay

Learning that his middle daughter was jonesing to go to Columbia University, Glenn Beck refused to pay for her tuition, stating “if you want to attend some hippie, liberal, communist center of lower learning in the middle of freaking Harlem, you won’t be doing it on my dime, sweetheart.” Read the full story


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