Tag Archive | "mlb"

Chicago Cubs Lose, Cosmos Safe


In historic fashion, the curse of the Billy Goat again reared its ugly head on those Lovable Losers, the Chicago Cubs.

Game four of the National League Championship Series ended with the New York Mets beating the Cubbies by the score of 8-3, sweeping the team everyone thought was destined to win the World Series because Back to the Future predicted it.

The Mets hammered Chicago Cub pitcher Jason Hammel so bad he only lasted two innings innings in the post season game, ensuring the continuation of planetary rotation and balance within the cosmos. Read the full story

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Ichiro Suzuki Passes Drug Test, Fails Turing Test


When MLB teams acquire new players they expect their very best and this MLB offseason has featured an almost overwhelming amount of moves as teams try to upgrade their rosters and shift their focus in a new direction.

Since Ichiro entered the American major league with the Seattle Mariners in 2001, Ichiro has been a puzzle of great intrigue and interest. Read the full story

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Baseball’s Giants Being Sued by Tall Community


San Francisco, CA–In the midst of the Washington Redskins name-change debacle, there is another American professional sports team under fire for the insensitivity of its nickname.

The San Francisco Giants are in a lawsuit with the civil rights group The Large Humans Organization for the “Giants” name.

“We tall people are offended by this name, and it’s been far too long that America has ignored the atrocity” says LHO representative Joe Bigg, 6’7”. Read the full story

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MLB Commissioner Admits He’s “Never Watched Full [Baseball] Game”


NEW YORK – Bud Selig, Commissioner of Major League Baseball, admitted today to a stunned press conference that he has never before watched an entire game of baseball.

“It’s just so slow,” confessed the incumbent commissioner of now 22 years. “I keep trying but I always fall asleep around the 3rd or 4th inning.” Read the full story

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First Nations Emboldened, Demand Red Sox Change Their Name


With the hurricane centered squarely upon the Washington Red Skins, some native American tribes have seen fit to target the Red Sox, declaring them a hate-group in thier own right.

“I’ve watched the Red Sox play for years,” said Margery Margnar of Lower-Upper Boston-Adjacent. “But I never realized what a bunch of racist jerks they are.” Read the full story

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Pittsburgh Pirates On Record Pace to Reach 53-Win Limit


PITTSBURGH — The Pittsburgh Pirates are out to their best start yet, already having secured 51 of their 53 maximum allowable wins at just the halfway point of the MLB season.

To put it into perspective with regard to the rest of the National League, the Pirates currently have two wins more than the Cardinals, five wins more than the Reds, and 49 wins more than the they themselves are contractually allotted to achieve for the rest of the season. Read the full story

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American Team Favored to Win 2013 World Series


ST. LOUIS – The St. Louis Cardinals made history Friday when they became the 104th American team to win the World Series. With their 6-2 victory over the Texas Rangers in game 7, The Cardinals extended the United States’ formidable record in the competition, which has only twice been won by a non-American club when the Toronto Blue Jays recorded back-to-back victories in 1992 and 1993. Read the full story

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Post-season Baseball Starts, If Any One Even Cares


Somewhere- The baseball post season is starting despite weak attendance and poor ratings. Team owners and players insist people still care, even with the lack of attention.

Some teams are playing in some places for the World Series. Recently, Major League Baseball executives ,assuming they knew what fans wanted, opened up the post-season so half of all MLB teams could compete for their shot at the pennant. Read the full story

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