Tag Archive | "Mitt Romney"

Mitt Romney Accepts Monkey on Back

Mitt Romney announced today that he will accept the Republican nomination for President wearing a STAPLES logo stitched to his back.

“And no, my friends,” Romney joked to the partisan crowd. “The logo won’t actually be stapled to my back. Hahahahaha.”

The presumptive candidate often cites the office supply box store as a job-creating, minimum-wage paying Bain Capital success story. Read the full story


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Sources Reveal Mitt Romney’s Past Membership in Gangsta Rap Group

The Washington Post has recently reported details from Governor Mitt Romney’s past that may derail the presumptive Republican candidate’s goal of the White House in the 2012 Presidential Election.

Quoting a variety of anonymous sources, the Post has reported that while a student at the Harvard Business School, Governor Romney was a founding member of the gangsta rap group Wealthy Wit Attitude (“WWA”) and was featured on their debut album “Straight Outta Hampton”.

At the time, Governor Romney was known under the assumed moniker of “Filthy Rich Muthafucka.”

In fact, his campaign has been hit hardest on his lack of empathy for the poor and middle class in the song entitled “If you ain’t rich, you a bitch.” In response, the Governor’s campaign spokesman Ryan Roswell stated “While not acknowledging the Governor was in fact Filthy Rich Mutherfucka, this song title is clearly taken out of context.”

When asked in follow-up what Governor Romney meant by the lyrics “I do my due diligence when comes to ripping off the indigent.” Mr. Roswell had no comment.

According to at least two of its sources, the Post reported that Governor Romney, contributed lyrics to most of the album and was the lead performer on at least three of the group’s more well known songs including “Don’t Fight the Power”, “Racing my Motherfucking Yacht!” and “Banker’s Delight” The two other founding members, “The Notorious R.IC.H.” and “Nathaniel Aldridge Bancroft, III.” declined to comment for the story.

While some of the songs have garnered controversy, some merely show a general enthusiasm for a type of philosophy that would mark his future politics. For instance, in the song “F.D.I.C. Killa”, Governor Romney notes his future run to the White House with the line “Washington, D.C. ain’t never seen a deregulator like this baller before.”


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Mitt Ryan Picks Paul Romney for VP; and a Political Bromance Blossoms

In one of the most romantic scenes since Gosling kissed McAdams in the rain, former governor Mitt Romney of Massachusetts offered Congressman Paul Ryan of Wisconsin his hand in political matrimony.

Not only did Governor Romney offer Ryan a place at his side, he solidified his commitment by offering his name too. Congressman Ryan was so overwhelmed by the gesture, that he immediately did the same. Read the full story


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Harry Reid Puts Up, So Shut Up

One of my main complaints in recent years with regard to the Democrats is their Senate Majority Leader. As I said in a posting a couple of years ago, any political party with a befuddled old Andy Gump like Harry Reid at the wheel is going to have….”issues” shall we say?

So you can imagine how pleasantly surprised I was this week when the old guy started to show a little bit of long-overdue moxie. The senator from Nevada is an extremely cautious man. He says that a reliable source has informed him that Mitt Romney went for a decade without paying a dime of income tax.

Given his well-earned reputation for timidity, if he’s gone out on a limb to make a charge as serious as this, it must be true. Old Harry has never been the kind of pol to throw caution to the wind.

The Mitt Romney campaign has said that Harry Reid has either got to “put up or shut up”. He already has. The ball is now in Romney’s court. If we are to take him at his word when he tells us that he has paid what he was legally required to pay in taxes then he should prove it to the nation that he wants to lead.

Senator Reid has made a pretty serious charge. Mitt has a golden opportunity here. If he really has nothing to hide he is in the position to make Reid – and the entire Democratic media machine – look really foolish. All he has to do is release his income tax returns for the last twelve years; just like his father George did during the Republican primary campaign of 1968. What the hell is he waiting for?

I’ll tell you what he’s waiting for: he’s waiting for the story to go away. Only this is a story that’s not going to die of natural causes. It needs to be killed like a rabid wolverine. Watch in the next couple of weeks while Campaign Romney (along with FOX Noise) goes on a desperate hunt for as many mole hills as they can find to make mountains out of. This should be quite interesting.

Der Mittster was considered for the Number Two spot on the ticket during John McCain’s 2008 presidential run. While he was undergoing the vetting process, he handed over to the campaign his income tax returns going back over two decades. Call it a silly hunch on my part but I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that the McCain people were absolutely horrified by what they saw. How can I be so sure of this this you may ask?

Because they went running to Sarah Palin as a preferable VP candidate! Talk about desperation. If a relatively sane and intelligent human being like Mitt Romney can’t outshine a half-witted extremist like Fascist Barbie, that very fact speaks untold volumes. Mitt’s tax history must be pretty embarrassing. That is the reason – and the only reason – they refuse to make it public. I was born very early in the morning, but it wasn’t this morning.

If it ever got out that Romney paid less in income tax (even in one year) than your average blue collar worker, it wouldn’t bode too well for him come November the sixth. My guess is that if his sordid past regarding taxes ever became public it would mean a landslide for President Obama similar to Richard Nixon’s in 1972.

Tricky Dick won every state in the union that year with the exception of Massachusetts and the District of Columbia. Less than two years later he would be forced to resign in complete disgrace. My irony meter goes into the red zone just thinking about that one. Aren’t politics strange?

The “Bain” of his Existence

Mitt is trying to portray himself as a tireless champion of the working class masses. It really is an amusing thing to behold, isn’t it? Remember that this is the same guy who put thousands of his fellow Americans out of work as the chief of Bain Capital back in the nineties, sending their jobs to China and Lord knows where else.

There is no longer a Republican in Washington who gives a damn about hard-working people. Barry Goldwater and Milicent Fenwick (photo left) are dead and they’re not coming back. This is a party whose sole purpose is to concentrate as much wealth into as few bank accounts as possible. This is a party whose ultimate goal is the utter destruction of the middle class. They’d love nothing weirder than to bring us back to the Gilded Age.

You think I’m being paranoid? You think the disintegrating middle class in this country is merely a coincidence? You think it’s the fault of all those evil-doin’ Liberals? Fine. Keep voting Republican, folks.

It’s hard not to feel a little pity for poor old Mitt. I sure as hell don’t envy him. He has managed – inside of two months – to take that plate of exquisite caviar that was handed to him when he became the presumptive nominee and turn it into a pile of elephant shit.

All of this on top of his disastrous performance overseas during his 2012 Foot In Mouth Tour. The poor schmuck just can’t get a break. As each hour ticks by, it is becoming more and more apparent to the GOP “base” that handing the nomination over to this “Massachusetts liberal” will be a huge mistake. Be sure to tune in to their convention later on this month. This is gonna be a riot – and I mean that literally.


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Romney Reaches out to Women Voters… From Behind

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE MITT ROMNEY REACHES OUT TO WOMEN. Trailing President Obama by more than 16 points among potential women voters, Mitt Romney announced a new and dramatic three-point outreach strategy to increase his appeal to women.

Noting recent research from the University of Virginia strongly indicates that women prefer men with tight, shapely butts, especially in the important 20 to 30 year-old female demographic, Mitt, with Ann’s help, purchased a pair of Armani Buttlicious® jeans, guaranteed to shape and lift the male derriere. Read the full story


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Romney Campaign Crashes Into Yet Another Tree

While driving his three nation campaign BlitzMobile at a high rate of speed, Mitt Romney apparently fell asleep at the wheel and crashed his vehicle into a tree.

“Candidate Romney is pretty banged up,” said a spokesman, “but he’s resting comfortably while doctors attempt to remove his foot from his mouth. Typically, that’s a pretty easy procedure, but considering that the accident also left him with his head lodged up his ass, it’s a little more complicated.” Read the full story


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11 New Slogans for the Mitt Romney Campaign

The Romney campaign has been struggling to find their “bumper-sticker” moment, but they’ve been working hard towards that end. What follows is ten of their best new slogans for this 2012 election. Here’s hoping Romney wins, am I right?

Top Eleven Campaign Slogans for Mitt Romney in 2012

* Cash is King
* Cutting Taxes, Corners and Hair
* All for One, and None for You
* Because I’m Rich
* I Get Around (the Tax Code)
* Making the Cream Rise Faster
* The Cadillac of Candidates
* Kill All Humans
* Death to Poverty (and the poor)
* Vote Romney! It’s either that or Communism.
* You get what you get when you vote for Mitt.

Additional contributions added by WP Scranton and Brian K. White.


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Ralph Lauren Apologizes to Mitt Romney for Chinese-Made Yarmulke

Ralph Lauren has found himself in another tight spot this weekend when it was revealed that the yarmulkes designed for Romney’s visit to Israel were also made in China. A quick apology was issued when news of the non-kosher yarmulkes was leaked to the media.

Lauren had already left to take a short Sabbatical after it was revealed that the uniforms he designed for the 2012 Olympics were shipped out to China for manufacture. Read the full story


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Mitt Romney Adopts His Overseas Money; Emotional Reunion at Airport

BOSTON–It was quite the Hallmark moment for the Romney clan today as the former governor stood next to his campaign bus at the Logan International Airport, anxiously awaiting the arrival of his newly adopted sons.

And as his “precious cargo” emerged from the plane intact, he almost couldn’t restrain himself. Read the full story


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Rob Portman Takes Over Romney Campaign While Romney in London

The GOP has seized its chance to finally rid itself of Mitt Romney as their presumptive Presidential candidate. Just minutes after Romney’s plane was supposedly landing in London, GOP Chairman Reice Priebus announced on CNN that Ohio Senator Rob Portman would be replacing Romney as the GOP’s official candidate for President.

Mitt Romney, in private meetings with top European financiers since his arrival in London, could not be reached for comment. Ann Romney’s horse, however, is expected to win the dressage event at the Olympics.


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The Nine Things Mitt Romney is Hiding in His Tax Returns

Anne Romney took to the talk shows to defend her husbands historically unprecedented decision not to release his tax returns. “You know, you should really look at where Mitt has led his life, and where he’s been financially,” she said in her interview with Robin Roberts… if only there was a way to look at his finances. Read the full story


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IRS Admits Culpability in Mitt Romney Tax Return Controversy

Rumors are circulating that the IRS is contemplating an audit of Mitt Romney’s tax returns for the years 2002 to present, a full 10 year’s worth of returns. A spokesperson for the IRS claims that Romney’s staunch refusal to provide the returns in order to clear up misconceptions about his business dealings over the past few years has finally raised a red flag for federal auditors. Read the full story


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Romney Gaffe; Seamus Descendant Bites Back

It’s the shaggy dog story that Mitt Romney can’t shake.

Hounded by animal rights activists for strapping the family dog to the roof of his car during a 12-hour road trip to Canada, the story has refused to lie down and play dead. Read the full story


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Merkel Readies Device for Stimulating Greeks

BERLIN, GERMANY —GlossyNews Chancellor Merkel of Germany said she would readily agree to stimulating Greece in their G-spot. Germany’s “Iron Lady” says she will use her newly created device called a “Euro-do”, thusly named as it inserts the Euro into the economy as a sexual stimulant device, an effect that is similar to the use of a dildo – named the “dildo effect”. Read the full story


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GOPTea Claims Veep Mittstakes Keep 2012 Election Interesting

BOSTON, Mass. – EBBQ – The range of the GOPTea™ party’s unrolling Veep list rockets from the absurd to the impractical, borders the impossible and suddenly flips back to the absurd — it’s an endless loop.

Will we get another Palin – Quayle – Kemp? What about another [gasp] Cheney? Who will finally match the power of Etch-a-Mitt™?

Shake, shake, shake your booty. Shake, shake, shake your booty. Read the full story


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GOP Halloween Haunted House of Terror Coming to Tampa

This coming Halloween season, you’ll get a chance to tour one of the scariest amusement attractions you’ll ever experience – if you have the stomach. I’m of course talking about the chillingly scary GOP Presidential Halloween Haunted House of Terror – sure to give even the most stouthearted independent voter nightmares. Read the full story


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