Tag Archive | "Mitt Romney"

Oy Vey: Seinfeld to Play Romney in Biopic


Jerry Seinfeld has been cast to play Governor Mitt Romney in a yet unnamed feature film.

How hard can it be to play an empty suit?

Ask Jerry.

“The hardest part will be keeping up with this guy. Romney, he’s the gymnast of politics. He flips, he flops, he flips again. He’s all over the place.” Read the full story

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Romney Proposes Two Week Term Limit on Facts


Dayton, OH – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney today announced a controversial plan to place term limits on facts.

During a campaign stop in Ohio, Romney was overheard telling a Koch brother that if elected he will immediately propose placing a two week term limit on all facts due to their “terroristic nature” and “un-American qualities.” Read the full story

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Romney Promises Back-Cuts If He Wins


Do you remember that kid in elementary school, the one that somehow skated to the front of the line, and then all his friends asked for “cuts”?

Mitt Romney is that kid, and he’s ready to allow all his buddies to cut in line, but not front-cuts… he’s only willing to allow them back-cuts. Read the full story

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V.P. Candidate Paul Ryan’s ‘Perfect Game’ Story Challenged


Janesville, Wisconsin. While attending a Washington National’s baseball game last week, Representative and Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan, chosen to throw out the game’s first pitch, told the cheering crowd at Nationals Park that this reminded him of the time he pitched a perfect game for his little league team, the Janesville Jaguars.

Ryan played baseball in the Janesville 10-and-under league for one season, before quitting to go into politics. Suspicious Little League officials in Janesville, remembering Ryan’s false marathon time boast, decided to check the scorecard of the game in question. Read the full story

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Romney Plans to Live in Large Uterus Instead of White House


Toledo, OH – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney unveiled his plan to move himself and his family into a “uterus of suitable size and structure” if elected president.

He made the announcement during a speech at a Toledo go-kart manufacturing plant.

When asked by a member of the media why he decided on this plan, Romney said, “You know, I’ve thought about this a lot and I figured the best way for me to control the medical decisions women make is for me to just move into their uteri. Read the full story

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Exposé: Under the Table with the Romneys


The Ann Romney ironing board story unfolds with a new wrinkle.

Photographs posted today by Households Without Housekeepers reveal the wall-unit ironing board reportedly used as the Romney dining table was in fact a Murphy bed.

The labor activist organization refused to name the source of the photographs.

The most damning picture showed the bed set for a dinner party of six, complete with sterling silverware by Tiffany placed beside antique bone china offset by dazzling Waterford crystal stemware, each flourished with an etched entwined double R. An ice sculpture of Brigham Young doubled as a centerpiece designed to keep the Beluga caviar cold. Read the full story

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Romney Admits He Is Secretly Campaigning for Obama


GOP Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney admitted today that he has been secretly campaigning for Obama since the primary elections.

“I have made no missteps in my campaign,” Romney stated during a press conference. “I want President Obama to be re-elected so I have deliberately sabotaged my own campaign.”

RIGHT: Image courtesy of Driftglass. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Republicans Unveil New List of Things to Blame on Obama


Tampa, Florida – Wrapping up their convention, the GOP unveils their augmented strategy to win against the Democrats in November.

The old tactic of blaming things on President Obama seemed to have worked out in the Republican Party’s favor, but the message wasn’t reaching target demographics in key swing states.

The newly revised list of things to blame on President Obama is an effort to win over those particular voters.

RIGHT: Mitt Ryan and Paul Romney may indeed be on a sinking ship, if recent state-by-state polling is any indicator. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

Guest speakers each delivered something different to blame on President Obama, aimed at certain constituencies lacking in the GOP political base. Lacking considerable support with women and ethnic minorities, the Republican party garnered more attention from these groups once they began with the scathing criticisms of the Obama administration.

Speaker of the House, John Boehner (OH), started off the final night of the convention with his signature fiery rhetoric, and then asserted that “Obama is the reason why public restrooms are always out of paper towels.”

Former Governor of Florida, Jeb Bush, explained the need for more fiscal responsibility and accountability in government. He also blamed President Obama for “that weird feeling you get when your arm falls asleep.”

Romney-Ryan campaign chairman Bob White delivered scathing criticism of the President to an excited crowd, exclaiming, “Obama’s harsh EPA regulations are to blame for the severe drought devastating America’s heartland. Obama is the reason why abusive husbands come home and take their frustrations out on loved ones. Our so called president can’t even protect us from asteroids on a collision course with planet Earth that he, himself, attracted here in the first place. Do we want four more years of Obama aborting all the fetuses from all the pregnant women of this nation? My answer is no!”

Senator Marco Rubio of Florida attacked President Obama’s immigration policy. He proclaimed “Obama doesn’t care for the Latin people. He only wants untraceable labor to construct his secret lair on an uncharted island shaped like a skull-spider.” He went on to add, “I heard he actually built a boat out of immigrants swimming the gulf. He toured the entire east coast before eating the whole boat in one sitting. That doesn’t sound like a President who respects the Hispanic population.”

Mitt Romney closed out the evening with his acceptance speech and quite possibly the most shocking accusations of the evening. In thirty-eight minutes, Romney managed to blame an impressive amount of things on the President. Among the more noteworthy accusations were “dental cavities,” “mutation of gonorrhea,” both the “French and Spanish Inquisition,” “the reason why Snape had to die in the end,” “rush hour traffic,” and even implicated him in connection with the death of Heath Ledger.

Republican strategist Steve Schmidt analyzed the new tactic and wrote, “This is the way the GOP can beat Obama in November. The previous claims were too soft. Who cares if he is a closet Muslim, totalitarian-socialist, or foreign national born in Kenya. The Republican Party needed a message with teeth, and I think they found it tonight.”

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Akin At It Again In ‘Legitimate Funding’ Row


Although the recent row about the ‘legitimate rape’ claims made by Todd Akin were embarrassing, Mitt Romney was forced to push Akin out of the race for Senate this morning after his comments on ‘legitimate funding.’

At a rally in Missouri, Akin gave a speech about the perils of funding a political campaign.

This year’s presidential election will cost a reported $2.5 billion and Akin felt that after expressing his honest and frank feelings pregnancy, rape, and abortion, it was only right to carry on with his honest and open ways. Read the full story

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Snakes in the Grass… for Obama


MIAMI-A Burmese python found dead in the Florida Everglades has snake and political experts rattled.

A definitive square shape outlining the snake’s midsection led to an examination of stomach contents. Along with the remains of a raccoon, the python had ingested a Mitt Romney political sign, complete with wooden stake.

“Typically, pythons spend most of their time hidden in the underbrush,” reported park officials. “To find the animal along the highway is highly unusual.” Read the full story

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In Desperate Bid For Reelection, White House Reveals Secret Beer Recipe


President Obama, in a desperate bid to gain the following of on-the-fence Independent and Republican beer drinkers, has revealed the secret recipe for White House Honey Brown Ale.

Throughout the past three years the White House has been manufacturing the brew in a secret location on the White House grounds.

Several online petitions have been sent to the White House demanding the recipe, though White House aides have been tight-lipped. Read the full story

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Romney Campaign Wants Your Suggestions. What Are You Waiting For?


The Romney campaign has taken the bold step of allowing for suggestions to come in through their website. What could possibly go wrong?

Do you have a message you’d like to send to Mitt Romney? I bet you could send him a real zinger, if you try.

Here are some ideas as to what you might suggest to Mitt Romney’s campaign, if you feel so inclined.

RIGHT: Mitt Romney has such big ideas contained in his big, big head… don’t tell that to his face. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Romney: Screw It, I’ll Give $300k to Everyone Who Votes for Me


WASHINGTON D.C. – In an effort to win over the average working American, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has vowed to give away his entire wealth to the American people, declaring: “enough with politics: I’ll give three million freaking dollars to everyone who votes for me in November.”

This offer is only good for voters in swing states, but if you live in Ohio, North Carolina, Virginia, Florida or Colorado, this simple vote could be your easy ticket to the upper-crust. Read the full story

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Top 18 Dumbest Quotes from Mitt Romney


We recently ran a few pieces highlighting silly gaffes and statements made by Barack Obama and Joe Biden, so in an effort to remain balanced, we now present some of the dumbest, most alarming statements made by Republican nominee Willard Mitt Romney.

While these quotes may not prove that he’s “dumb” or “evil”, they may paint him as out-of-touch and disconnected, both from the electorate, and perhaps even reality.

RIGHT: Mitt Romney with his boy wonder, suited up and ready for business. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

Read Also:
Stupid things said by Barack Obama
Stupid things said by Joe Biden

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Rupert Murdoch Will NOT Visit An Ashram


A spokesperson for Rupert Murdoch was asked yesterday for Mr. Murdock’s response to Paul Ryan as candidate for GOP vice-president, and received the reply, “Right! Absolutely right!” Murdoch apparently credits Ryan for saving a tottering Romney, tweeting “Thank God!” in his enthusiasm to support a “real election.”

However, in-depth sources have indicated there is no truth Mr. Murdoch is now wearing a dress with no underwear in preparation for a forthcoming stay at an ashram in India, where he plans to devote himself to the highest chakras for spiritual union and energy. Read the full story

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Leaked Tax Returns Reveal Romney Barely Scraping by on Food Stamps


WASHINGTON D.C. – In what could prove a decisive blow in the race for the White House, newly released Tax documents have revealed that presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney is just barely scraping by on food stamps.

Romney’s reluctance to release his tax records had ignited speculation that the former Massachusetts Governor had continued earning revenue from Bain Capital – a multi-billion dollar private equity company of which he was once the CEO – even after 2002. Read the full story

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