Tag Archive | "Mitt Romney"

Big Bird Found Dead, Romney Questioned


The Muppets character Big Bird was found dead today in his duplex cage on New York City’s Upper East Side.

New York City police have not announced a cause of death, but according to anonymous insiders, the 43-year old television star’s demise is the subject of a murder investigation.

Sources say that police have questioned Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who is on record as saying he would “cut” Big Bird. Cut being a street slang term for murder by knife. Read the full story

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Mitt Romney Promises Unemployment to 11 Million Americans


Here’s the gist of it. Romney claims there are 23 million unemployed and swears that he will create only 12 million new jobs. That is fact.

He literally promises that 11 million people will remain jobless under his administration. If you think he doesn’t care about the 47%, he really doesn’t give a sprinting crap about these last 11 million. Read the full story

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Mitt Romney Admits to Masturbating


GOP Presidential candidate and devout Mormon Mitt Romney admitted today that he ‘experimented’ once with masturbation when he was in college.

“It was a stupid youthful experimentation”, Romney explained. “I’m not proud of it, I didn’t ejaculate, I didn’t enjoy it and I would never do it again”.

The Mormon church expressly prohibits the ‘wonton spilling of one’s seed’ and forbids any type of orgasm before marriage, according to religious sources. Romney spent several years in Europe as a Mormon missionary before entering the business world.

Romney explained that during his time at Stanford University in 1965 he frequently came in contact with attractive women but most times managed to control his urge to masturbate.

“There was just one time I caught a peek under Sharon Miller’s skirt and this stimulated me. “I only stroked a few times but stopped when I considered the wrath of God”, Romney told Glossynews.

News officials are attempting to locate Ms Miller for comment.

Romney said despite his youthful indiscretion he urges young people not to masturbate and to simply wait for marriage before achieving orgasm.

“Orgasms are for producing offspring”, Romney continued. “I have five children. I have had five orgasms”.

Romney’s son Tagg said his father would sometimes embarrass when he was little him by asking, “how’s my little orgasm doing today?”

Mormon church officials claim Romney violated one of the sacred tenants of the church by masturbating but this one indiscretion alone should not qualify him for excommunication.

“But we might excommunicate him just for being such a dumb ass!” the official stated.

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Cookie Monster “Loses Cookies” at Local Grocery


NEW YORK–Sesame Street star Cookie Monster was admitted to an unnamed psychiatric center following a cookie incident at Hooper’s Store.

The beloved character filled twenty shopping carts with cookies before being approached by store personnel. Onlookers described the puppet as agitated.

“Me want cookies,” Cookie Monster muttered, scooping up ten packages of Chips Ahoy. “Mitt Romney want Cookie’s cookies!” Read the full story

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Sweating Romney Can’t Stop Asking Advisers How He Did Out There


DENVER, CO – Following Wednesday’s opening presidential debate at the University of Denver, a sweating Mitt Romney would not stop asking advisers how he did.

Nervously loosening his tie, the former Massachusetts governor stormed into campaign manager Matt Rhoades’ temporary office, demanding: “well?” Read the full story

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Big Bird Talks Mitt Romney in Hard Hitting Interview


He’s every kid’s favorite bird. Big Bird has been a staple on American television since 1969. So it was no surprise that many Americans became upset when Mitt Romney made public his plan to fire the icon.

We met at the aptly named Sesame Street Restaurant and Big Bird laid out the ground rules. I can’t ask him about his parents and he wants me to read a book to some kids after the interview.

What followed was one of the most shocking yet meaningful interviews I’ve ever participated in. Read the full story

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What I Did During the First Debate (Spoiler: I didn’t watch it)


8:01: Made myself a Boulevardier, which I highly recommend.

8:07: Opened up my three-year-in-progress novel, of which I have completed one chapter to date. Wrote seven additional words that I erased and rewrote four times. Net gain – four words. At this rate the next Great American Novel will be finished by December of 2023. Read the full story

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Top-12 Reasons Mitt Romney Will Win the Election


With the election heating up and the polls wiggling more and more every day (in favor of Barack Obama), we have to look ever more closely at the race.

The good news is that, at least according to a couple polls, the race is tied, and Mitt Romney could easily pull it out and win this thing. The better news is that, according to all the real polls, Obama is crushing it. Read the full story

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President Romney’s Inaugural Address


“I think my biggest concern obviously would just be for his mental well-being.”

– Ann Romney on her concerns about her husband becoming President of the U.S.

My fellow Americans.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Hee, hee, hee, ha, ha, heh, heh.

Wait. Give me a minute. I can’t breathe.

Whew. Okay. Read the full story

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Election Update: Romney’s Brilliant Strategy to Win the Election


There are only a few more weeks until Election Day. Polls paint a bleak picture for Romney’s chances of winning the White House – which house is even lovelier than his ski chalet house in Park City, Utah, but not quite as lovely as his ocean-front house in La Jolla. But that’s not the point.

The point is that for weeks Romney has been playing defense thanks to some unfortunate gaffes like claiming that 47% of Americans are freeloading parasites, letting it slip that he and Vladimir Putin are longtime BFF pen pals, and accidentally admitting he is a New York Yankees fan (there goes the Massachusetts vote). Read the full story

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Romney Sucked Out of Airplane Window


Claiming he felt ‘stuffy and cramped’ GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney smashed open a window aboard a 727 jet aircraft as the plane was flying 500 MPH at 30,000 feet and he was immediately sucked out into space.

“We told him repeatedly that you can’t open a window on an airplane!” said Airline Captain Earl Schuck. I guess he didn’t understand the laws of gravity and pressurization”.

It would appear Romney’s body landed somewhere near New Orleans though its exact location could not be determined. Local residents simply asked “Who’s Romney?” They could not distinguish Romney’s body from the other poverty stricken bodies in the area.

Paul Ryan will be taking over the GOP slot in the race for the presidency and odds-makers are saying his chance of winning is as good as Romney’s.

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GlossyNews Finds Man Who’s Never Heard of Obama or Romney


(GlossyNews) — Deep in the swamps of Louisiana, reporters for GlossyNews have discovered a man who has never heard of either presidential candidate. He is believed to be the last of his kind.

Inviting the curious journalists inside his spacious hollowed out tree, Boudreaux Fipps III, age 80-something, stunned the expedition with his total ignorance of politics. Read the full story

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Posted in Politics, Strange PeopleComments (1)

Romney On His Video Gaffe: ‘Obama Is Destroying This Nation’


WASHINGTON D.C. – Attempting to deflect growing criticism following a leaked video allegedly showing him alienating “47%” of the American electorate, Mitt Romney today addressed the issue, declaring: “Obama is ruining this great nation.”

Mr. Romney came under fire Monday after a video surfaced on the alternative news site MotherJones.com in which he appeared to say: “[M]y job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives,” to which he emphatically responded: “Things are much worse than they were four years ago under this president.” Read the full story

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Romney Reaches Out to the Nation’s Dead People


WASHINGTON D.C. – In a move designed to kick-start his flagging presidential campaign Friday, Mitt Romney reached out to the nation’s dead people during a visit to a cemetery in the state of Virginia.

Aiming to refocus his campaign after a series of setbacks this past week, the former Massachusetts governor addressed over 300 deceased voters in what was a rescheduled campaign stop this morning. Read the full story

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Romney Concedes Election to Obama


With the election still months away, GOP Presidential candidate Mitt Romney admitted today that he has no chance of winning and has conceded the election to President Obama.

“I completely screwed up”, Romney admitted. “I am out of touch with the American people and my arrogance and stupidity have become clear to everyone. I am abandoning the race and I concede the election to Barak Obama”.

Romney’s friends and supporters were stunned at the announcement. “Yes, he f–ked up but I didn’t think he’d drop out!” said running mate Paul Ryan.

“You’ll have to forgive my husband. He comes across as being so smart but he’s a real dumb ass!” Romney’s wife Ann said.

The election will now be between Obama and Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson and many republicans said they will be switching to Johnson’s side.

“Anyone but Obama”, said former Ku Klux Klan leader Johnny Lee Clary.

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Hey Mormons, Stop By & Answer a Few Questions


I had a limited understanding of Mormons, those of the Latter Day Saints faith, prior to 2012 when Romney became the Republican nominee… but now that he’s out there front and center, I have some serious questions to ask you guys.

I knew a few Mormons in high school, a few more in college, and a bigger handful since becoming an adult. Here’s what I would say from my experience with Mormons up until that point. Read the full story

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