Tag Archive | "Mitt Romney"

Evangelicals Just Say (Hell) No to Romney

GlossyNews.com – WASHINGTON, DC — Destruction wrought by Hurricane Sandy finds evangelicals staying home rather than casting a vote for Mitt Romney, Virgil Goode or Mickey Mouse.

The “Lord’s Will” movement initially organized to support evangelical voters in religious despair over casting a vote for a candidate with a propensity towards lying while holding steadfast to the basic value that honesty is a virtue; The Romney Doctrine. Read the full story


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Jesus Imaginary Christ: Snake Worshipers for Romney

GlossyNews.com – LEXINGTON — Appalachian state exit polls reflect 47% of snake worshipers scribbled an “X” for Romney while others claimed disenfranchisement of their right to vote.

Election Protection logged a number of phone reports claiming a Kentucky polling place denied entry to registered voters carrying snakes. Read the full story


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Corpse Still Warm; Ryan 2016 Campaign Underway

GlossyNews.com – Paul Ryan, never one to let an opportunity to flex for a camera or let an opportunity to advance his career pass him by, has been doing more than campaigning for Romney… he’s been campaigning for himself; for 2016.

Paul Ryan is well known for running Marathon races in hours less than he actually did, having body fat much lower than he actually does, and furrowing his brow right up to his Eddy Munster widow’s peak like few others could. Read the full story


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This Election Day: Don’t Vote, Stay Home and Pray

GlossyNews.comMy fellow Christians, there is only one immutable truth on this election day. It’s that God’s will reigns supreme and there’s nothing we can do to change it. So don’t get in your car and drive. No, get down on your knees and pray.

This theme has been on the internet for some years, and I have it on good authority that it was created by a man of faith, and that he did it in the run-up to the 2010 elections, which as you’ll recall, were very positive for the conservative movement. Read the full story


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Romney Faceplate Cracks in Front of Iowa Crowd

GlossyNews.com – This morning, as the sun rose on the cornholing state, Mitt Romney stood in front of a gathered crowd of John Deere factory workers, when his robotic faceplate fractured and fell off of his robot face.

The crowd gathered remained fairly silent, even agape as it happened quietly clanked on the concrete floor. Read the full story


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LEAK: Paul Ryan Already Signed to Do Playgirl

GlossyNews.com – Before the dust can even settle in the 2012 presidential election, TMZ has received word that vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan has inked a 7-figure deal to shoot a full spread in Playgirl Magazine.

Robert Benson, an official Romney spokesman, had this to say at a press conference called early this morning to explain the situation, and spin it as a positive for the flagging campaign: Read the full story


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Breaking News: Romney Shows Human Emotion

GlossyNews.com – In a rare break from election cycle protocol, Governor Mitt Romney was permitted to stand before a crowd of reporters, in what they all agreed was the very moment they had been waiting for in the 16-months they’ve been following his inhuman campaign.

Mitt Romney showed an actual human emotion. Read the full story


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Romney Camp Launches Last Minute “Why Vote?” Ad Blitz

GlossyNews.com – Television ads have been running furiously in swing states like Iowa, Ohio, Florida, New Hampshire, Old Hampshire and Colorado, but one new ad hit the airwaves last night. The GOP sponsored “Why Vote?” campaign, paid for by Romney Victory Inc.

The ad starts with a woman at her table, sorting through what looks like bills. You hear a baby crying in the background and a man yelling at her from off camera in Spanish. Read the full story


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Romney/Ryan Official Victory Anthem Leaked: It’s Crickets

GlossyNews.com – I recently had the opportunity to sit down with the Head of the International Cricket Council, Sir Edward Crowley, to speak about why the ICC had chosen Governor Mitt Romney as its new official mascot, and why he had chosen “crickets” as his official victory party anthem.

While this has nothing to do with the sound of crickets as his official victory anthem per se, it’s the best we could secure on such short notice. Read the full story


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Barack Obama Asks for Your Vote… For Mitt Romney

By President Barack Obama

My fellow Americans,

Next Tuesday, November 6, is Election Day, and this year your vote is more important than ever before. That’s because in this election you have a choice between two very different visions for America.

One of those visions believes that ours is a country where everyone should have a fair shot at success and where everyone should pay their fair share of taxes. Read the full story


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Oh, the Rovanity

FORT LAUDERDALE–Tumult ensued following initial reports that the crash of a Mitt Romney blimp was instead determined to be the explosion of Karl Rove’s much talked about brain.

The head of the conservative political analyst and FOX NEWS favorite spontaneously blew to smithereens after he attempted to opine past the GOP presidential candidate’s obvious lack of readiness on foreign policy.

Emergency crews described the scene as chaotic. “People were scrambling everywhere,” recalled a paramedic. “One guy who looked like Sean Hannity, held a Styrofoam coffee cup, screaming “Scoop up his brain, scoop it up, hurry!” Read the full story


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Romney: ‘As President, I Will Put a Man On Mars By 2014’

WASHINGTON D.C. – In an effort to bolster support for his campaign ahead of next month’s presidential election, Republican candidate Mitt Romney has vowed to put a man on the surface of Mars by the year 2014.

Speaking at a post debate rally in Mount Vernon, Ohio Tuesday, Mr. Romney insisted that funding a dangerous manned mission to the Red Planet would become the number one issue on his agenda from day one. Read the full story


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GlossyNews Announces 2012 Presidential Endorsement… Not Who You Think

In 2008 we endorsed then-senator Barack Obama, but apparently it is best form to consult with our staff before reaching such a weighty decision.

For 2012 I requested an endorsement statement from all 127 of our writers, and the endorsements are listed below, by author, though I warn you, it’s all kinds of goofy. Read the full story


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Romney Surging in Latest Poll of Comatose Unregistered Voters

In recent polls, President Obama continues to lead with several key demographic categories: women, blacks, Hispanics, gays, people under 25, people over 25, people who can do basic math, people who can identify Canada on a map, and people who can remember as far back as the year 2008.

But Governor Romney holds a narrow lead with the several key demographic groups: Mormons over 75, polo team owners, Goldman Sachs hedge fund managers, Rush Limbaugh, people who have never heard Romney speak, and Jesus. Read the full story


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Romney to Sway Female Voters by Showing Compassion, Penis

Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney today unveiled his new plan to persuade female voters to back his bid for the White House by showing them two things that have thus far remained firmly hidden: his compassionate, caring side and his vintage 1947 sexual organ.

He is hoping this strategy will win over voters who have so far been put off by policies that have been deemed as cold and uncaring, as well as those that will “get their kicks” from seeing photographic evidence of Romney’s “schlong”. Read the full story


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Mitt Romney Vows To Create Armageddon

GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced today that, if elected, he promises to fulfill the Bible’s promise of Armageddon and allow all faithful Mormon practitioners to achieve Rapture.

“The time for Armageddon is nigh!” Romney stated to some of his followers. “I shall lead the Mormon people to Rapture as is promised in the Bible!”

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

Romney claims that he is the chosen one to lead the wealthy Mormon people to the promised land and the poor, uneducated non-Mormon citizens to hell. Read the full story


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