Tag Archive | "Mitt Romney"

Megyn Kelly is Still a Massive Twat, But Mitt Romney Has a Huge Wang (Censored Version)


Megyn Kelly, anchor of some white guy’s network, is still being pursued by liberals and stuff, claiming that her blatant and sour opinions that put people to shame were morally wrong and shouldn’t be on a comedy network such as FOX news. Read the full story

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Romney Used Erstwhile Campaign Funds to Purchase Hoboken, New Jersey


HOBOKEN, NJ – In a stunning revelation Friday, a close aide to former Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney claims Romney poured virtually all of his campaign funds into purchasing the city of Hoboken, New Jersey.

Mr. Romney, the frontrunner challenging incumbent President, Barack Obama, in last year’s election, is believed to have leveraged a deal worth $150 million for the city, which houses roughly 50,000 residents and is a part of the New York metropolitan area. Read the full story

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Ann Romney Accidentally Leaves Husband Mitt at Gas Station


A preview released by Netflix last week on its upcoming documentary Mitt shows the robotic Presidential candidate appearing human. While it may be somewhat of a stretch for most to believe, it is important to note that Mitt Romney did have his moments. They were just too few and far between to really matter when it came to choosing the leader of our country. Read the full story

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Josh Romney Races to Save Car from Fiery Crash


Josh Romney, third eldest son of Mitt Romney, is home safe today after his heroic rescue of a vehicle that flew past him at a high rate of speed, crashing into the kitchen of a home in Holladay, Utah on Thanksgiving evening.

The Holladay/holiday crash is receiving widespread coverage today after Romney tweeted this message on his Twitter account:

“Was first on scene to big accident, see pic of car in the house. I lifted 4 people out to safety. All ok. Thankful — Josh Romney (@joshromney) November 29, 2013.” Read the full story

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Romney Points to Fact That $2.8m in Taxes is Far Higher than What Most Americans Pay


TALLAHASSEE, FL – Embattled Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has defended himself over the controversy surrounding his tax percentage, insisting that the $2.8m he pays annually is “far more than what most people pay in a single year.”

Speaking at a campaign event in Tallahassee ahead of Saturday’s primary election, Mr Romney hit back at suggestions that he is out of touch with working families across America, who he said “only have to pay an annual average tax amount of around $6,000.” Read the full story

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Romney Legacy: Vowed to Build an America That People Can Be Leaving


CONCORD, NH – Following a series of primary victories Tuesday, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has vowed to build an America that voters from across the entire nation can truly be leaving.

Winning a significant number of delegates in New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Delaware and Pennsylvania yesterday, the former Massachusetts governor insisted that he will defeat Barack Obama in November’s election and implement “hugely divisive” policies that will see millions of Americans return to the lands of their forebears. Read the full story

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Open Letter to Mitt Romney – Here’s Why You Lost


I’ve read so much in the wake of the 2012 presidential election about why Governor Mitt Romney lost, and the majority of it sickens me with how tone-deaf it is.

And seriously, governor Romney, I hope you read this. I’m truly a moderate. I co-own two other sites that are conservative in nature. While I may be a liberal in my heart (and I once drove a showroom new Viper RT/10 off the floor, with my 15 rentals as collateral) I’m still a man of reason. You could do worse than me, but honestly, you couldn’t do much better. Be pragmatic. Read the full story

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Mitt Romney Places Personal Ad in Wall Street Journal for ‘Friend’


Former GOP Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney took out a classified ad today in the Wall Street Journal seeking a new friend to “pal around with.”

“I have everything money can buy,” Romney said in an interview, “but I have never really taken the time to buy myself a good friend that I can just hang out with, watch the game with and just, you know, do friend things with.”

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

The classified ad states that the friend must have at least a graduate degree in either political science or economics, be financially secure, Mormon and married with at least two children. Read the full story

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Famous Americans Share Thanksgiving Messages of Gratitude


Glossy News interviewed famous Americans this past week, asking them “What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving season?” Here is a holiday gift basket of inspirational messages from some of our nation’s most illustrious, America-loving Americans.

Ann Romney, wife of presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney: “I was very disappointed that Mitt lost the election, due to that fluke late October hurricane and the minor fact that Mitt’s not very good at relating to people with net worths under $25 million. But we still have so much to be grateful for. Read the full story

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200 Cows Standing in a Field (or Not)


ORLANDO–My choice to drive State Road 528 over to Orlando International instead of my usual route via Highway 1-92 through Kissimmee proved premonition pops up more often than not.

The emergency broadcast system cut off Buckethead and the crew over at WTKS 104.1, squawking dire tornado warnings to span Osceola, Orange and Brevard County. (Those unfamiliar with the area, that’s one major parcel of ranch land). A funnel cloud had been sighted at Harmony, Florida around about the time I would have found myself driving through the green community sprawling east of St. Cloud. Read the full story

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Kentucky Democrat Votes for Right to Complain


Newport, KY – Local liberal Michael Benton walked to the middle school gymnasium, and was greeted with laughter and an occasional jeer.

He greeted his Republican friends, gave his ID to the snickering old ladies behind the folding table, and filled out the only ballot for Obama in the city. Read the full story

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Ruh Ro! Romney Concedes Florida Let the Dogs Out


GlossyNews.com – TALLAHASSEE — Mitt Romney conceded Florida early election night, roof-racked by a story he could not shake.

Animal activists nationwide hounded Romney the length of the campaign for strapping Seamus, the family dog to the roof of the car during a 12-hour trip to Canada… or Arizona, wherever it was he went. Read the full story

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Evangelicals Just Say (Hell) No to Romney


GlossyNews.com – WASHINGTON, DC — Destruction wrought by Hurricane Sandy finds evangelicals staying home rather than casting a vote for Mitt Romney, Virgil Goode or Mickey Mouse.

The “Lord’s Will” movement initially organized to support evangelical voters in religious despair over casting a vote for a candidate with a propensity towards lying while holding steadfast to the basic value that honesty is a virtue; The Romney Doctrine. Read the full story

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Jesus Imaginary Christ! Snake Worshipers for Romney


GlossyNews.com – LEXINGTON — Appalachian state exit polls reflect 47% of snake worshipers scribbled an “X” for Romney while others claimed disenfranchisement of their right to vote.

Election Protection logged a number of phone reports claiming a Kentucky polling place denied entry to registered voters carrying snakes. Read the full story

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Corpse Still Warm; Ryan 2016 Campaign Underway


GlossyNews.com – Paul Ryan, never one to let an opportunity to flex for a camera or let an opportunity to advance his career pass him by, has been doing more than campaigning for Romney… he’s been campaigning for himself; for 2016.

Paul Ryan is well known for running Marathon races in hours less than he actually did, having body fat much lower than he actually does, and furrowing his brow right up to his Eddy Munster widow’s peak like few others could. Read the full story

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This Election Day: Don’t Vote, Stay Home and Pray


GlossyNews.comMy fellow Christians, there is only one immutable truth on this election day. It’s that God’s will reigns supreme and there’s nothing we can do to change it. So don’t get in your car and drive. No, get down on your knees and pray.

This theme has been on the internet for some years, and I have it on good authority that it was created by a man of faith, and that he did it in the run-up to the 2010 elections, which as you’ll recall, were very positive for the conservative movement. Read the full story

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