Tag Archive | "Missouri"

Hallmark Creates an Alternative to Holiday Cards

Kansas City, Missouri – Hallmark Cards, Inc. made an exciting announcement, Tuesday morning, that they will be offering an alternative to traditional greeting cards this holiday season known as the “This Card Is Not A Card” Series.

The new release was designed for people that want to give a card to accompany a gift, but do not want to deal with the emotional stress involved in selecting one that contains the perfect amount of sentimental or comedic effects.

In addition to stress, cost was also a significant factor in the new creation as the average price of a holiday card has skyrocketed to $5.79. The new alternatives range from $0.99 to $2.49 and are available in stores and online.

“This is a whole new concept,” said Swedish Psychoanalyst, Heinrich T. Heimichschlopper.

“For centuries, man has dealt with the issue of wanting to give a card with a gift, but not wanting to give a card at the same time due to the stress that comes with having to find the appropriate card, whether it be funny, sentimental or vicariously evil. These new holiday cards that are cards, but at the same time are not cards, solve all those issues. Astounding!” Heimichschlopper added.

In addition to being praised by the critics, consumers are also reacting positively.

“This revolutionary line completely changes the way we give gifts to people who have no appreciation for the gift-givers efforts in finding the card,” said Justine Rodier, who until this release had completely lost faith in Hallmark’s card selection.

“I have chosen the wrong card hundreds of times, in a variety of different situations and there is nothing worse than the reaction from the person who received the card with a graphic or phrase that doesn’t match their personality,” Rodier added.

Hallmark has been struggling as of late, but expects to see strong sales from their new products. “After publishing our millionth card, we began noticing an unfavorable trend in product sales,” said Vice President of Creative Services, Margaret Splishfish.

“Year after year, consumers visit their neighborhood gift shops that offer a variety of emotional cards and they finally snapped! Everyone at corporate knew it was time for a change,” Splishfish added.

The card alternatives are being released exclusively for the 2014 holiday season and come with seven different phrases including: “Are you looking for a card? Because this is not a card” and “This card does not represent an actual card.” Due to human emotions typically associated with greeting or holiday cards, all traditional images and colors have been removed from the new line as to disassociate them from all previously created greeting cards.


Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, EntertainmentComments (5)

Obama Pardons Black Turkey: Bojangles will live to loot another day

Obama’s first Post Ferguson pardon occurred Thursday, and just like everything else the President does, the act has got him up to his neck in controversy.

As is tradition at the White House since 1947, the President pardoned a turkey, sparing the bird from the electric knife and the Thanksgiving dinner table.

Pardoning the turkey itself is not controversial, but the kind of turkey he pardoned has ruffled some people’s feathers. President Obama pardoned a black turkey. Read the full story


Posted in Politics, SocietyComments (5)

College Senior More Concerned With Zombie Apocalypse Than Future

University if Missouri, Columbia — Despite his mounting college debt and lack of employment, college senior Brent Hamilton appears to be more troubled by the prospect of a zombie apocalypse than his imminent future.

“Brent’s always been a little eccentric, but lately all he talks about is a potential zombie outbreak,” revealed Devin Carter, Brent’s roommate for the past two years.

“He can’t even walk to class without pointing out which buildings are deathtraps and whether or not a facility is perfect for undead sniping. The guy didn’t even consider going to the job fair because it was being held in the Mizzou Rec Complex. Read the full story


Posted in Health, Strange PeopleComments (0)

Glossy News Exclusive Exposés

-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --

Glossy News Fake Commercials!

Glossy News Podcast

(Listen on iTunes or Libsyn)

More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)

All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial