Tag Archive | "missing"

Brazil’s Economy Skyrockets in Soccer Tournament; Millions of Wallets Stolen


The 2014 FIFA World Cup event will be a beneficial factor that will help Brazil with its not-so-good economy, at least that’s what Hispanic skinhead, Pitbull, had to say about it.

Hispanic, cancer man later went on to gibber on how mysteriously wallets were being stolen from foreigners. After questioned if this was the work of his 370 little, Hispanic children army, domestic violence father responded by nervously chuckling and securing the closet in which one child was hanging from a rope. Read the full story

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Malaysian Flight MH370 Survivors ‘Confirmed’


Kimi Ono, head of the MH370 survivors group, held a press conference today, to deny claims from the Malaysian investigation authorities that all those aboard the doomed plane were ‘obviously now dead’.

Mrs Ono began ‘I know my husband is still alive, I’ve known him for 35 years and never once have I seen him dead, not even for a minute’. Read the full story

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BREAKING: Glossy News to Feature Malaysia Flight 370 Article


GN Corporate Headquarters—After waiting long enough for someone, anyone, to address the issue that was clearly a major, current topic, Glossy News has finally caved in and decided to break their deafening silence regarding Malaysia Flight 370.

“I just know we were all thinking about it, but for what seemed like an eternity, not a single article about the missing jetliner had been suggested or appeared on our site. The wait for someone to address this was agonizing,” said an anonymous employee. Read the full story

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Search for Missing Malaysian Jetliner Extends to Blue Ball, PA


Searchers from 26 countries have now focused their attention on the search for missing Malaysian Airlines flight 370 on the tiny, unincorporated town of Blue Ball, PA.

“We had a mysterious radar blip over Blue Ball”, said US Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. “We think that might be the missing jetliner! It’s a bit of a long shot but at this point we can’t rule out anything!”

Hagel said the jetliner may have landed somewhere, refueled, then headed out over Blue Ball although this, like all reports on the missing plane, cannot be verified.

Major John E Stevens of the PA Air National Guard was verbally reprimanded for not disclosing the existence of the radar information sooner. “I didn’t know it might have something do with the missing airliner!” Stevens protested. “I thought it was just a flock of geese!”

Other military commanders throughout the world are checking their own blips on their radar screens to see if they might be the missing jetliner.

“We are also looking at the possibility of UFOs” Hagel continued. “Though the Blue Ball theory seems more likely, at least at this point. We just want to make some fucking sense out of this whole fucking thing! A fucking 777 can’t just vanish like a fart in the wind! Do you want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!!!”

Hagel excused himself at this point to take his medication.

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