Tag Archive | "labor"

Likud Party Withdraws Support, Obama Government Collapses


WASHINGTON, D.C. – After several long hours of wrangling over the type of missiles to employ when the United States strikes Tehran next week, the Likud Party withdrew its support from President Barack Obama’s governing coalition, causing it to fall apart.

The withdrawal of Likud, which comprises 30 percent of all the seats in the House of Koshers, resulted in the government dropping below the 51 percent of seats needed to maintain power, and led to the scheduling of fresh elections for late December. Read the full story

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Entire Population of Indiana Tired of This Sh*t


INDIANAPOLIS – Citing various factors, ranging from the lack of viable job opportunities to the general malaise of winter, the entire population of Indiana announced Saturday that it is so goddamn tired of this shit, adding: “really?”.

Holy effing shart, declared everyone Saturday

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Libertarian Congress Legalizes Child Labor


WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a landmark vote on Monday morning, the Libertarian-controlled Congress passed a bill eliminating all prohibitions on child labor in the United States.

Standing outside the Capitol Building, large swaths of supporters wearing Ayn Rand t-shirts emblazoned with the words “Our Market, Our Money, Our Bank Accounts” cheered loudly as House Speaker Paul Ryan read the tally.

“With 357 votes in the affirmative, the Congress of these United States has decided to put the market first. For far too long this sick regulatory environment has been strangling the life out of individualism and family values.” Read the full story

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US suicide rate jumps; unemployment rate falls


The suicide rate among middle-aged Americans was much higher in the previous two months than the government first estimated. The suicides reduced the unemployment rate from 7.6 percent to a four-year low of 7.5 percent.

The report from the United States Department of Labor was a reassuring sign that the U.S. job market is improving despite government budget cuts, ill-timed tax increases, and suicide prevention efforts.

“This is a good report,” explained Wells Fargo chief economist John Silvia. “There’s a lot of emotional trauma… It’s good for the economy. It’s good for people’s income.” Read the full story

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Exposé: Under the Table with the Romneys


The Ann Romney ironing board story unfolds with a new wrinkle.

Photographs posted today by Households Without Housekeepers reveal the wall-unit ironing board reportedly used as the Romney dining table was in fact a Murphy bed.

The labor activist organization refused to name the source of the photographs.

The most damning picture showed the bed set for a dinner party of six, complete with sterling silverware by Tiffany placed beside antique bone china offset by dazzling Waterford crystal stemware, each flourished with an etched entwined double R. An ice sculpture of Brigham Young doubled as a centerpiece designed to keep the Beluga caviar cold. Read the full story

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Labor Unrest Hits Candy Tycoon in the Sweet Spot


Shares of Wonka Foods International, the silent parent company of both Hershey and Nestle, opened sharply lower today as disturbing news reached Wall Street. It appears anti-collective bargaining legislation recently introduced in Wisconsin has spawned a backlash that now threatens the Wonka candy empire. Read the full story

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Census Bureau Sued for Unfair Labor Practices.


Washington, DC (GlossyNews) — Hundreds of current and former 2010 Census workers filed a class action law suit today in Federal District Court charging the United States Census Bureau with a pattern of unfair labor practices against its employees.

Specific details of the lawsuit were yet to be released at press time, however, lawyers for the plaintiffs announced to the press via conference call, “The Census Bureau has and is enforcing a series of unrealistic and impossible standards on its employees under the guise of standard business practices that make it difficult for its employees to excel. These standards, while enforced relatively uniformly, are arbitrary and capricious Read the full story

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Child Laborers Caught Sleeping on the Job


We’ve been known to miss some time from time to time, but never as much as we have in the past six-months. Between the big trip to Puerto Rico, dealing with the Puerto Ricans and dealing with all the things related to being back home, we’ve been swamped with unwinding as much as winding in the first place. Read the full story

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Obama May Target World Unemployment


National Enquirer – Part 3 of John’s Smith’s report of his time on Martha’s Vineyard posing as a landscaper at President Obama’s compound. Before he was discovered and removed by Secret Service agents, Smith managed to tape several strategy meetings Obama conducted with advisors. In the following transcript, the President leads a brainstorming session on correcting the nation’s dismal employment situation: Read the full story

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