Tag Archive | "karl rove"

Karl Rove Reduced to Street Corner Begging; “Will Smear for Food”

Karl Rove Seen Begging On Street Corners- “Will Smear Someone for Food”.

Little has been seen of Karl Rove, the Republican Wunderkind of underhanded politics, since his horrendous humiliation due to Obama winning the Presidential election- until now. Witness’s claim to have seen him at various street corners around Washington holding a cardboard sign stating ‘Will smear someone for food.’ Read the full story


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Karl Rove Meets His Dark Karma in a Filthy Washington Alley

Karl Rove, weasel extraordinaire and famous shill for the Republican Party, was found unconscious, beaten half to death and left lying in a Washington alley early this morning. Surveillance tapes retrieved from security cameras around the neighborhood revealed a most disturbing incident. The following is a verbatim rendering of what was seen and heard upon the tapes:

Karl Rove exits the ritzy Republican Rabble, an exclusive Washington conservative nightspot for right wing adherents and their toadies. He is only lightly inebriated, much better than the nights following the humiliating Republican loss in the Presidential elections when he would snocker himself into his own private limbo to cushion the blow to his ego and his esteem.

He is just starting to pass a dingy alleyway when a burly voice beckons out to him.

“Hey Rove, how ya doin’? Got a second? A few of your buddies want to have a chat wit youse.”

Rove, frightened, pulls up short. He is immediately surrounded by four large, rough types in trenchcoats who hustle him back into the alley and back him up against a wall.

“So, my man, it looks like you lost us a lot of money wit yer shenanigans.” says the largest man.

Rove, so scared that a stain is already spreading across his pants in the crotch area, barely manages to wheeze out his reply; “Whoooo…are……you….?”

A rough finger jabs him in the chest hard enough to bruise it. “Who we is is none of yer business! Let’s jist say that we is friends of friends of friends of the people you do business with. The friends whose money you just spent like a whore who just got through screwin’ Donald Trump and iz now hitting Las Vegas like a Saudi Prince on Coke!”

Rove shivered like he was naked on stage at a Holiday on Ice performance without any skates. “Oh my God….” he whimpered.

The scarred face looming over him grinned sardonically. “Yeah, I think youse gots the idea. The big boys went along wit alla yer ideas on how to snuff this Obama cat in the elections, but it looks like alla yer ideas weren’t worth a hill o’ beans. Now, cause a dat you is owin’ the big boys big time. They trusted you wit their money and now they got nothin’ to show fer it. Three hundred million bucks blown away like a Jersey streetwalker in Hurricane Sandy.”

Rove swallowed hard and tried to think up something to schmarm them with, this being his major talent in life. ‘Look, guys, I’ll make it up to them! I….I know ways to get us back in power!

This was just a fluke! Really guys! I can get us back on top again!”

A muscled fist grabbed Rove’s shirt and lifted him up to a face that was diabolically twisted with malice. “Look here, Junior, the only thing you gonna be on top of is that pile of rubbish there in the back of the alley in a minute! Now youse got ta gits that money back to the big boys who fronted you or you gonna be ridin’ under the campaign bus instead of in it! Capice?”

Rove melted down into a total nervous wreck. His pants were now ruined beyond the redemption of any washer to ever clean them. “Yeah! Yeah! I get it! No problem! I’ll get it! You don’t have to get rough!”

The big man smirked sadistically. “Oh yes we do! ‘We got orders to leave ya wit a few permanent souvenirs of the 2012 Presidential election!” Hardened fists start beating on the pudgy pundit from all directions.

“Wait! Wait!” squealed Rove. “Are you guys really Italian hoodlums?”

The blows stopped for a moment. “Na,” said one of the other assailants. “We is really higher ups in the Corporate world from the Super Pacs who sponsored you. We just like the whole Godfather Mafia image thing! Now just say ‘Tha…tha….thatt’s all folks!’ and it will be nighty night fer youse!”

The blows again began to rain down on Rove as he fainted into a merciful, blissful unconsciousness.


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Election 2012 Over; Will Lessons Learned Fade as Quickly as the Scars?

The 2012 elections were stressful and trying for those on both sides of the political spectrum, but it’s easy to see why nobody had it worse than Brian K. White, the editor of Glossy News.

After all, I did have 62-articles to edit on election day alone, and I followed this thing so passionately I would have named my first born after it had the timing been different.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

So here’s what we actually learned from the 2012 election cycle: Read the full story


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Oh, the Rovanity

FORT LAUDERDALE–Tumult ensued following initial reports that the crash of a Mitt Romney blimp was instead determined to be the explosion of Karl Rove’s much talked about brain.

The head of the conservative political analyst and FOX NEWS favorite spontaneously blew to smithereens after he attempted to opine past the GOP presidential candidate’s obvious lack of readiness on foreign policy.

Emergency crews described the scene as chaotic. “People were scrambling everywhere,” recalled a paramedic. “One guy who looked like Sean Hannity, held a Styrofoam coffee cup, screaming “Scoop up his brain, scoop it up, hurry!” Read the full story


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New Karl Rove Infomercial: “Weaseling Your Way To Success”

Greetings fellow Americans – Are you one of the downtrodden ones who have never had a lucky break?

I was one too, but I am going to pass on to you how you can break out of the bad luck cycle with my new book “Weaseling Your Way To Success!”

As a child I was unattractive, unpopular and as dorky as Popeye going through spinach withdrawals. But I powered through all that to the very top echelons of our society. Read the full story


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Republicans Claim Inheritance Tax Owed on Deficit Inherited from Bush

Republicans continue to assure the wealthiest Americans that no new taxes will be levied against them. However, with the Tea Party breathing down their necks and threatening to withhold votes if something isn’t done to get the budget under control, top Republican strategists have come up with a plan they believe will take on the appearance of bringing in some much-needed revenue. Read the full story


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‘The Dick’ Cheney Gets Starring Role In ‘Dr. Strangelove’ Remake

Dick Cheney returns to the worlds spotlight this week as he appears in his first movie part–reprising the unforgettable Peter Sellers role of Dr. Strangelove in the remake of the Stanley Kubrik movie of the same name.

Sellers made cinematic history as the wheelchair-bound, ex-Nazi atomic physicist who has a problem trying to keep his right hand from making the famous “Heil Hitler” salute. Cheney, considered a natural for the role, is reported to have needed few acting lessons to ‘become’ Strangelove. Read the full story


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Unemployed Veteran Forgets Mother’s Birthday

BUFFALO, New York (GlossyNews) — In what Tri-State area Tea Party leaders are calling further evidence of our culture’s collapse, 38-year-old Lance Kilbane, an unemployed welder, has forgotten to honor his mother on her birthday.

Speaking to reporters while completing a Taco Bell employment application, Kilbane struggled to put an acceptable face on his unforgiveable negligence toward the woman who carried him inside her body for nine months. Read the full story


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Karl Rove – The Infomercial

Greetings fellow Americans (Queue in Picture of Karl Rove in Lederhosen)–

Are you one of the millions of downtrodden Americans who have never had a lucky break? I was one too, but I am going to pass on to you how you can break out of the bad luck cycle with my new book “Weaseling Your Way To Success!”

As a child I was unattractive, unpopular and as dorky as Popeye Read the full story


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Cookie Monster Robs Girl Scouts: Three dead

Detroit, MI (GlossyNews) — In what was considered shocking, even by Detroit standards, the beloved blue Sesame Street character today staged a bloody robbery at a suburban strip mall. No Girl Scouts were injured, but three shoppers were killed in a hail of bullets witnesses termed “confusing.”

Police declined to name the victims, pending notification of relatives, but stated the Cookie Monster made off with fourteen boxes of Tagalongs and eight boxes of Do-Si-Dos. Read the full story


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Right Wingers Send The Obamanator Back In Time To Set Things Right

January 2013- Republicans, their plans for world domination foiled by the overwhelming win in the presidential election that again brought Barack Obama to the throne of the most powerful country in the world, are upset. In anger over their bitter loss, the right wingers have initiated a plan to return them to power. Pooling their vast resources into a secret project overseen by the Halliburton Robotics Division they have invested great time, energy and money into building a specialized cyborg to go back in time and rid the world of Obamaism. Read the full story


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