Tag Archive | "Justin Rodier"

Kim Jong-un: Bring Back Breadsticks Or Die


Washington, D.C. – Just when you thought the United States was safe again following the announcement that Sony Pictures had pulled the controversial movie, The Interview, from theatres, a new threat arrived from North Korean Leader, Kim Jong-un, early Friday morning.

In a short memo to President Obama, Kim Jong-un stated he was pleased the movie will not play in theatres, but was morbidly infuriated to learn that his favorite restaurant chain, the Olive Garden, is extinct and is no longer serving the fresh-baked breadsticks he enjoyed during his last visit. Read the full story

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Posted in Politics, World NewsComments (3)

Hallmark Creates an Alternative to Holiday Cards


Kansas City, Missouri – Hallmark Cards, Inc. made an exciting announcement, Tuesday morning, that they will be offering an alternative to traditional greeting cards this holiday season known as the “This Card Is Not A Card” Series.

The new release was designed for people that want to give a card to accompany a gift, but do not want to deal with the emotional stress involved in selecting one that contains the perfect amount of sentimental or comedic effects.

In addition to stress, cost was also a significant factor in the new creation as the average price of a holiday card has skyrocketed to $5.79. The new alternatives range from $0.99 to $2.49 and are available in stores and online.

“This is a whole new concept,” said Swedish Psychoanalyst, Heinrich T. Heimichschlopper.

“For centuries, man has dealt with the issue of wanting to give a card with a gift, but not wanting to give a card at the same time due to the stress that comes with having to find the appropriate card, whether it be funny, sentimental or vicariously evil. These new holiday cards that are cards, but at the same time are not cards, solve all those issues. Astounding!” Heimichschlopper added.

In addition to being praised by the critics, consumers are also reacting positively.

“This revolutionary line completely changes the way we give gifts to people who have no appreciation for the gift-givers efforts in finding the card,” said Justine Rodier, who until this release had completely lost faith in Hallmark’s card selection.

“I have chosen the wrong card hundreds of times, in a variety of different situations and there is nothing worse than the reaction from the person who received the card with a graphic or phrase that doesn’t match their personality,” Rodier added.

Hallmark has been struggling as of late, but expects to see strong sales from their new products. “After publishing our millionth card, we began noticing an unfavorable trend in product sales,” said Vice President of Creative Services, Margaret Splishfish.

“Year after year, consumers visit their neighborhood gift shops that offer a variety of emotional cards and they finally snapped! Everyone at corporate knew it was time for a change,” Splishfish added.

The card alternatives are being released exclusively for the 2014 holiday season and come with seven different phrases including: “Are you looking for a card? Because this is not a card” and “This card does not represent an actual card.” Due to human emotions typically associated with greeting or holiday cards, all traditional images and colors have been removed from the new line as to disassociate them from all previously created greeting cards.

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Tailor Swift Not Bothered By Singer With Similar Name


Wyomissing, Pennsylvania – Professional Tailor, Bill Swift, Owner and Operator of Tailor Swift’s House of Threds, has been an expert at altering clothing since his shop first opened in June of 1979 on the corner of Reading Boulevard and Clayton Avenue in downtown Wyomissing.

Known to the locals as Tailor Swift, he has pleased thousands of customers with his precise and cost efficient tailoring, relying only on word-of-mouth advertising to increase his customer base. Read the full story

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, MusicComments (2)

Facing Extinction, Olive Garden Traces Dinosaur’s Demise For Answers


70 Million years ago in modern day Orlando, Florida – It is a warm, sunny afternoon during the Cretaceous Era as Breadsterastyx, a close relative of Triceratops, feasts on a large garden filled with ferns and wildflowers, while closely watching one of its offspring grazing peacefully.

Suddenly, from behind the trees comes a towering Tyrannosaurus Rex seeking a substantial meal to satisfy its insatiable hunger. Read the full story

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Posted in Environment, ScienceComments (24)

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