The term traitor has taken on new connotations in recent years. Once meant to determine someone who has with serious and direct intent caused damage to a nation or its inhabitants; the recent mutation of its meaning is to indicate anyone who says anything against the wishes of those in power, especially prevalent during the Cheney domination. Read the full story

Today union-minded Iraqis formed Suicide Bombers Locale #467 in Baghdad but had to promptly look for a new union hall as a couple of the members brought their work in with them. Sitting outside the smoldering building, the surviving members passed an ordinance stating that all bombs in the future must be left outside the front door along with their shoes when entering. The lone dissenting voter was beheaded. Read the full story

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — CIA Director Leon Panetta released today a portion of a captured al Qaeda suicide bomber job interview. In the scene, the jihadist recruiter attempts to determine if he should take a chance on the earnest young man seated before him:

Mahmoud el-Zarwarti: I wish to apply for the internal explosives unit.
Interviewer: Prior experience?
el-Zarwarti: Uh, fondness for Mexican food.
Interviewer: Current occupation?
el-Zarwarti: Fisherman
Interviewer: Accepted. Would you prefer your 72 virgins in one lump sum or doled out over five years?
el-Zarwarti: Neither. I am not interested such pleasures.
Interviewer: Your reward, then?
el-Zarwarti: 72 sturgeon. Fresh caught.
Interviewer: Done. Next man.

NEWNAN, GA — In a report issued by the Institute of Southern Studies, teachers in the South have become the largest casualties of the recession. According to researchers, the study “finds that many schools, especially in the South, are slashing school budgets – and teacher positions – in the wake of the recession.” The three states expected to make the deepest cuts in education are Georgia, Florida and North Carolina. Even more troubling for Georgia is that the state received a “C” on a national report card grading the effectiveness of its charter schools. This news was released December 7, 2009. It marks the second consecutive year that Georgia has received this grade. Read the full story

A mysterious pirate television channel, calling itself Saddam TV, has begun broadcasting in Iraq. No one knows the source of the broadcast, but American Super Freedom Friend Forces insist it’s surely the work of members of Saddam’s devoted Baath Party. Apparently the programming started exactly three years to the day after Saddam’s execution. Read the full story

Hayden, ID (GlossyNews) — Soldiers of Fortune, paramilitary buffs and serial killers can all revel in the new theme park started by Xe, the artists once known as Blackwater.

Fresh from getting off their convictions of killing 17 Iraqi civilians at a traffic circle in Baghdad, the now rejuvenated and non-incarcerated Xe is putting its money into a Disneyland-style park for those who bill for a kill.

“It will be great!” boasted Xe Park Planner Gene Cide. “We will have amusements here for all ages and both sexes so long as they are white. We would allow other races in, but we don’t know what they would do with guns in their hands. Better to leave them in the hands of the people who invented them.” Read the full story

The Green Zone, that huge, walled off section of Baghdad occupied by US military and civilian operations, has been renamed ‘The Emerald City’ after the fabled city in the movie ‘The Wizard of Oz’.

The Green Zone functions like a first world country having 24 hour electricity, water, sewage treatment and Read the full story

Paris, TX — Canada, once one of America’s staunchest allies in North America and a bulwark against growing aboriginal unrest and encroachment of the Scandinavian powers, continues to befuddle the West.

In the 1950s, 60s, and 70s Canada, with the backing of the US and England, grew to prominence in North America. Canada became a ‘strongman’ and a policeman that the West could rely on in a sea of continuous turmoil in a region troubled by the growing influence of capitalism and rock and roll. Read the full story

Iraqi security forces have adopted a revolutionary new bomb detection device, according to the New York Times.

The hand-held device is several orders of magnitude smaller than devices available from “reputable” manufacturers, but American critics have their collective panties in a bunch over the fact that the device “doesn’t actually work” and is “putting untold numbers of people in danger of being blown into tiny, McNugget-sized pieces”. Read the full story

At least 132 people have been killed and 520 injured in two massive car bomb attacks in Baghdad, according to the FUBAR News Agency and reports coming in on the Abattoir Channel.

The blasts hit the Department of Injustice building and the nearby Ministry of Firewood near the jolly Green Zone, causing what army ordnance specialists termed ‘lots and lots of damage’. Read the full story

The US House Overshite Committee on International Ethnic Cleansing, Human Wrongs and Justifiable Genocide met today in Washington to discuss issues of sovereignty and stability in Iraq and the country’s longstanding financial obligation of reimbursing the US-led coalition nation forces for the costs of invading – then occupying – their country for the past six years – at great ‘continuing’ expense in the terms of body bags and funerals. Read the full story

Washington – In his first in-depth interview since the election, former President Bill Clinton said he warned Mrs. Clinton early on that she needed to project a tougher image to attract independents. Read the full story