Tag Archive | "hurricane"

God Apologizes to Florida: Storm Debby Actually Intended for New Orleans


NEW ORLEANS, LA – As Storm Debby battered the state of Florida Monday, His Lordship Almighty God apologized profusely to the Sunshine State, after admitting that the tropical storm – which has caused widespread flooding in Tampa, Tallahassee and Jacksonville – was in fact intended solely for New Orleans. Read the full story

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Unseasonably Warm Weather A Reminder Man Didn’t Recycle Bottles Last Month


INDIANAPOLIS – A recent spate of unseasonably warm weather, which has seen December temperatures peak in the mid sixties, has acted as a timely reminder that local man Dennis Kowalski never got around to recycling those damn bottles last month.

Though he routinely separates his trash into paper, glass, and general waste, the 34-year-old – reportedly overwhelmed by last month’s Thanksgiving – admits that he may have accidentally lumped everything together in the same garbage bag(s). Read the full story

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Republican Whose Home Destroyed by Hurricane Sandy Reluctantly Accepts Gov Handout


STAMFORD, CT – In the aftermath of one of the worst storms to batter the East Coast of the United States in recorded history, a Republican man whose lakeside house was left with almost $1.7-million-worth of damage at the hands of Hurricane Sandy reluctantly accepted government handouts Tuesday, as FEMA moved to assist those in need.

Despite routinely criticizing the Obama Administration for its perceived expansion of entitlement programs, longtime GOP supporter, James Winkler of Stamford Connecticut, held his head in his hands today, and conceded: “okay, just this once.” Read the full story

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Report: Hard To Tell If Brooklyn Battered by Hurricane


NEW YORK CITY, NY – According to hundreds of eye-witnesses in New York Monday, the borough of Brooklyn “may or may not” have been affected by the onslaught of Hurricane Sandy, with one onlooker insisting: “it’s honestly hard to tell”.

Though it would appear that the area has been devastated by widespread flooding, people on the ground said that the destruction being seen in places such as Lower Manhattan was “perfectly normal” in places like Bushwick and Bed-Stuy. Read the full story

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Hurricane Isaac, New Orleans Mulligan


New Orleans, Louisiana- As New Orleans prepares to be hit by another potentially devastating hurricane, New Orleans officials hit the airwaves proving how they will not screw this one up.

New Orleans Mayor, Mitch Landrieu stated in a press conference earlier today “We’ve totally got this one.”

U.S. Army Corps of Engineers have been hard at work making sure the impact of Hurricane Isaac will “be way, way less than Hurricane Katrina.”

Lt. James Brixton goes on to say “we are so prepared this time around, it’s not even funny. We conscripted many local beavers to help us reinforce our previously damaged and ill designed levy system. No one knows more about containing the unpredictable power of water than the wise beaver.” Read the full story

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Posted in Environment, SocietyComments (4)

Hey Religious Nuts: Why Don’t You Say Anything About God’s Wrath on the Republicans In Tampa?


HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!!!

Where are all the Hellfire and Brimstone preachers at?

Where are they when you need them?

A hurricane is bearing down on the Republican National Convention and you don’t hear a peep out of them. Are they out hiding their heads under a rock?

If it were the Democratic National Convention you would surely be hearing that it was God’s wrath descending upon them for their many sins. Read the full story

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NASA Workers Reveal Demands


It was thought to be a bittersweet moment as the last ever space shuttle mission landed flawlessly in the early hours of dawn that day. What began in the bold optimism of JFK’s challenge to walk on the moon had ended a half century later in a very different world with vastly different challenges. Read the full story

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Chiclones and Windpocalypses and NDizzards, Oh My


EDITORIAL (GlossyNews) — Meteorologists, or Weather Forecasters as they like to refer to themselves, have always found it hard to keep their audiences happy. If they call for sunshine and it rains, the first people blamed are the forecasters. For meteorologists, predicting some really foul weather and getting people to prepare for the worst — only to realize they had it all wrong — is a nightmare of gruesome proportions: the kind of nightmare that still jolts former FEMA head Mike Brown from nocturnal visions of prancing Arabian horses. The ugly viewer comments after the issuance of an all-clear are enough to make the sturdiest weather forecasters fall to their knees and pray to God for a disaster to strike. Read the full story

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