Welcome once again to the astrological stylings of Catman, Dude—the only seer who is not afraid to ask, “How the hell am I supposed to know?” Mr. Dude is an award-winning prognosticator who is half-cat, half-human, and half-assed. The Dude’s ability to predict the future is exceeded only by his inability to recall the past, which he, nevertheless, claims to have foretold with “unerring” certainty. Read the full story

It’s with fanfare most mediocre Glossy News ho-humfully ushers in the newest in its long running series of helpful astrological readings tailored not to the vague and unimaginable reader, but to one so very specific we can’t even imagine whom she or he may be. It’s with baited breath we bring you the Albacoreascopes; horoscopes tailored just for you, you fish, fish gobblin’ or fish huntin’ fool. Read the full story