Tag Archive | "homeless"

Former First Lady Hilary Clinton Admits She and Bill Were Homeless After the White House


In a shocking revelation, former First Ladt Hilary Clinton admits she and her husband were ‘homeless’ after leaving the White House.

“We were trying to squeak by on Bill’s pension while trying to pay for Chelsea’s education and we just couldn’t handle it!” Clinton confided. “We found ourselves living on the street!”

Finally the pair managed to convince one of their bodyguards to put them up in his guest room for a few weeks while they got back on their feet. When Ms. Clinton got her first speaking engagement for $200,000 they managed to find a small place.

“We spent all our money on legal fees for Bill and defending ourselves from Whitewater”, Hillary continued. Not to mention how much money we spent paying people to keep their big mouths shut!”

Hillary says they can now empathize with homeless people and their families as they have ‘been there and done that’.

“You really don’t understand the situation until you have eaten from a trash can yourself”, she stated. “And park benches and under bridges are not very comfortable”.

The Clintons now claim assets of over $200 million including two multimillion dollar homes and feel more comfortable than they have in years. “The extra money helps keep the wolf from our door” she said.

Hillary would not disclose how they accumulated such vast reserves on wealth in such a short time except to say, “let’s say it’s time for people to pay US to keep our mouths shut!”

“Now we keep our dumpster filled with fresh fruit and vegetables so other homeless people can have a good meal”, she said with a smile.

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Jesus Look-alike Arrested for Feeding 5,000 Homeless People


ORLANDO — A Jesus look-alike was arrested today for violating the Orlando city ordinance against feeding homeless people. Jesús Christos, 33, of Kissimmee, is now being held in Orlando City Jail.

RIGHT: Also suspected of turning water into wine for his underage friends. (CLICK TO ENLARGE.) Image appears courtesy of Steve Ryan at ElectricUnderpants.com.

Orlando Police said that early yesterday afternoon Christos began speaking to a small group of twelve friends in Lake Eola park. Slowly, a crowd gathered to listen to Christos’ message of love, forgiveness and social justice. Read the full story

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Lady Gaga Responds To Criticism Over Head Defecation Stunt


The Internet exploded with criticism Friday after a performance by Lady Gaga at the NSFW Music Festival in Winslow, Arizona, in which a homeless man wet defecated on her head.

Gaga was premiering the title track to her new album “Derelique” when halfway through the song Gaga sat on the stage and a pantless, dirty man in tattered clothing pulling a shopping cart straddled her head and oozed what appeared to be several gallons of a brown, chunky liquid over her head, face and body. Read the full story

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Poor Can No Longer Protect Rich From Harsh Realities Of Life


Tragedy has hit the upper levels of our society today as the economic crisis has caused many of the rich to lose their cushion of poor people that have previously protected them from having to experience the basics of life. Many of the rich now have to polish their own silverware, trim their own gardens, do their own sewing due to their staff having starved to death or not having the money or transportation to even get to work. Read the full story

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Homeless Economist Doubts Change in Fed Monetary Policy Can Save Him


WASHINGTON – Embattled Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke’s position on the limited ability of the Fed to stimulate the nation’s sluggish economy was vigorously defended today by a homeless and badly undernourished former expert on monetary policy.

Arthur Peterson, a 58-year-old unemployed economist who is unable to remember the last meal he ate, said he agrees with Bernanke’s assessment and doubts that any attempt by the agency to bolster short-term economic growth would be sufficient to prevent him from starving to death by the end of this week. Read the full story

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‘Nouveau Homeless’ Emerge as Travel to Super Bowl Sacked by Mother Nature


Thousands of Steelers and Packers fans found it almost impossible to get to Arlington, Texas for the Super Bowl game to be played on Sunday. Some are telling travel hell stories straight from the play books of the comedy film “Planes, Trains and Automobiles. One weary traveler stranded at Columbus International Airport Friday night was overheard telling his wife, “We’d have more luck playing pickup sticks with our butt-cheeks than we will getting a flight out of here before daybreak.” Read the full story

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Thanksgiving Over; Needy Back in Storage


Preliminary reports say this year’s Project ISFC exceeded all expectations. Project I’m So Freaking Compassionate, begun several years ago in Southern California, has now expanded to most of the United States. This year, Thanksgiving meals were served cafeteria fashion to an estimated 340,000 people.

Delighted volunteers say it’s difficult to name just one highlight from 2010 activities, but the improved demeanor of the indigent was definitely a factor. “Yeah, they smell better now and they’re more grateful” said Tuscadegalooga, AL socialite Gladys Kravitz. Read the full story

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Economy Ramps Up – But Workers Have All Starved To Death


STURGIS, Mississippi (GlossyNews) — The bailout recovery has finally come full circle as the recipients have finally stabilized their companies and are ready to rehire their workers. A shock came about, however, when it was found out that most of their old workers had either starved to death or were homeless and couldn’t be found.

“It was surprising to us.” said Chief Investor Charles Fatbelly, speaking at the ‘Back On Top’ banquet for top Wall Street executives while munching on pheasant under glass. “I thought there was supposed to be a trickle down of some sort. Oh, well, we’ll just import some people from India.” Read the full story

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Posted in Biz News, Human InterestComments (3)

Many San Francisco Homeless Are Simply Lost


Daly City, CA (GlossyNews) — Karen Salvio came to San Francisco in 1994, a bright-eyed young woman fresh out of college. After she moved into her new apartment, she went out for the evening to have a few drinks. But when Karen jumped in a cab to go home, she couldn’t remember her new address. After riding around for hours and exhausting all her funds, Karen arrived at a homeless shelter in the Mission the next afternoon.

“It’s a common problem in a city like San Francisco where every building starts to look the same after a while,” says homeless advocate Mary Smith. “People come from all over the country to live here, they get turned around, never find their home again, Read the full story

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Cell Phones For The Homeless


New York, NY – Since the cell phone market is maturing, where are the phone companies going to go to increase sales? The Homeless. Problem is there is no mail address to send the monthly bills, and prepaid only works for people with permanent home addresses as well. Read the full story

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Science & TechnologizzyComments (0)

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