Posted on 26 September 2014.
WASHINGTON — The Department of Homeland Security released a statement yesterday afternoon warning U.S. citizens of recent efforts by a group of homegrown radicals whom officials say are “out-for-blood.” Reports indicate the organization is calling itself Red Cross.
According to sources, the group’s signature act of torture involves draining the blood from humanitarians unfortunate enough to find themselves on a Red Cross “tablé” (pronounced taw-blay or tay-bul), which is a device not unlike the infamous “rack” used in the Spanish Inquisition. Read the full story
Posted in War Zone
Posted on 27 April 2014.
SAN JOSE, CALIF. — Following a 15-year-old boy’s recent stowaway ride across the Pacific Ocean, authorities at San Jose International Airport say they plan to work with the FAA in an effort to step up their security illusions, sources report.
According to San Jose International Airport Spokesperson Janet Bavory, “Our illusions of security failed us this time. In the future, however, we vow to increase the number of pretend security measures in order to make sure that such a devastating terror attack doesn’t almost happen ever again.” Read the full story
Posted in Travel, War Zone
Posted on 30 December 2010.
Mr. Snow Miser who played, well the ‘Snow Miser’, on the hit Christmas television special, The Year Without a Santa Claus, discovered to his dismay that he has been put on the TSA’s ‘No Fly’ list.
Mr. Miser, who was trying to get back to his home in the Arctic, didn’t find out that he was on the terrorist watch list until he tried to check in at New York’s Kennedy airport. “You got to be snowballing me”, he said bitterly when informed of the news. Read the full story
Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Travel
Posted on 12 December 2010.
Office Of Homeland Security,
To the Editor Brian K. White,
In the latest Wikileaks exposure, a document has been released that we find to be very disturbing. It is a missive sent via what are supposed to be classified channels from one of your ‘staff’, a Mr. Rfreed, to the Republican spokeswoman Sarah Palin. Read the full story
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Politics
Posted on 15 November 2010.
In a move to help quell the uproar over airport full-body scanners, Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano put in a personal call to the Man of Steel asking for help, despite doubts about his very existence.
The growing backlash from passengers, pilots and airlines themselves has prompted an emergency meeting between the DHS and TSA to look for a solution just before the busiest holiday travel season of the year officially kicks off. Read the full story
Posted in Technology, Travel
Posted on 04 October 2010.
PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (GlossyNews) — Agents from the Federal Bureau of Investigations, Department of Homeland Security, and SWAT teams from around the are descended on a local unemployment office after a random security sweep uncovered “terrorist paraphernalia” on several adults filing unemployment claims.
A high ranking FBI official confirmed dozens of arrests were made of persons possessing “components necessary for the construction of IED’s (Improvised Explosive Devices,)” Read the full story
Posted in Biz News, Crime
Posted on 02 October 2010.
NEW YORK, New York (GlossyNews) — Department of Homeland Security officials admitted today at an early morning press conference that Faisal Shahzad, 30, the alleged “Times Square Bomber,” was released on bond at the behest of New York City leaders as part of a plea deal where Shahzad agreed to disclose the name of several individuals who consistently ignore and evade the City’s anti-smoking regulations.
A high ranking Homeland Security official stated, “It is not unusual for plea deals to be made with accused criminals in the hope of gaining information leading to the prosecution of even more dangerous criminals. Read the full story
Posted in Health, Society
Posted on 24 September 2010.
Boston, MA – GlossyNews – The TSA announced a new weapon in the fight against terrorism. All agents will be issued a set of X-ray vision glasses as part of an overall upgrade and proceeds from a grant from DC Comics.
The glasses, once thought to be an inferior item found in the classifieds of comic books and magazines, attracted the attention of Homeland Security purchasing agents who are always on the lookout for new items and other stupid ways to waste taxpayers money. Read the full story
Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, War Zone
Posted on 09 July 2010.
NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — In a throwback to the days of the Cold War, the U.S. and Russia will reportedly exchange individuals that each side has charged with spying. The 10 people arrested by the FBI on June 27 for participating in an alleged Russian spy ring will be included as well as Russian researcher Igor Sutyagin, charged with spying for the CIA. The exchange will reportedly take place in London.
In a surprise move, the U.S. offered to include actress Lindsay Lohan and actor Mel Gibson in the deal, sending them off to Russia with the group of 10. Read the full story
Posted in Entertainment
Posted on 03 July 2010.
SNOHOMISH, Washington (GlossyNewsSA) — It remains uncertain whether legendary correspondent Blake Pennywhistle is alive or dead, but recent developments at least hold reason for hope. A DVD was left taped to the coffee machine at Glossy News NYC headquarters, sometime between Thursday evening and Friday morning. Read the full story
Posted in World News
Posted on 03 April 2010.
Cairo, Illinois (GlossyNews) TSA director Laurie Partridge faced harsh questions this week in her appearance before the House sub-Committee for Members We don’t know What to do With.
Ms. Partridge explained to the allegedly powerful HCMWW, the Savior of the world was in no way singled out; it shouldn’t be seen as a religion thing.
Sitting next to her legal counsel Adam Lambert, who was wearing a stylish red Versace leather jacket, Ms. Partridge said, “We don’t profile people, but we do profile people, right?” Read the full story
Posted in World News
Posted on 14 March 2010.
MIAMI, FL (GlossyNews) — Police in Miami have released a sketch of a suspect wanted for questioning in the case of a local model found burned inside a trash bin.
The 26-year-old African American model was found last month; police used dental records to identify her. Read the full story
Posted in Crime
Posted on 09 January 2010.
Washington DC (GlossyNews) — The US Transportation Security Administration today announced effective February 1, 2010, the Administration will take the word “Security” out of its title, becoming simply the US Transportation Administration.
The official spokesman for the Administration, Roger ‘ Pink ‘ Floyd, told the Glossy News this morning, “The whole security thing is a lot harder than we originally thought. We think it is just beyond the scope of services we can offer at this time.” Read the full story
Posted in Society
Posted on 21 December 2009.
New York, NY — In a unique reversal of its former policy of attracting the poor and oppressed for its legions of bomb makers and bomb blowers, Al-Queda has changed its strategy to recruiting young, rich Westerners to its agenda instead. The world’s premier terrorist organization is now attempting to attract yuppies to fill its ranks. For example, here is the latest video outing from Osama bin Laden himself, patron saint of the Terrorist movement: Read the full story
Posted in War Zone
Posted on 08 December 2009.
Following a blitzkrieg pre-dawn raid on her rural Anchorage six bedroom igloo, involving ice picks, hot air guns and a flamethrower, a Homeland Security strike force this morning arrested failed Republican VP wannabe Sarah Palin on charges of subversion, domestic terrorism and several other acts of improbity and general wickedness – including sorcery – listed in the very small print of the Patriot Act.
While accurate details of her whereabouts are still unconfirmed at this time, Read the full story
Posted in Politics
Posted on 04 December 2009.
A huge influx of cheap-good laden ships from Mainland China caused Homeland Security to raise its insecurity level to the orange level today. Normally, goods coming in from China raise no terrorist alerts, but due to the present economic crisis the agency has become aware that the importing of cut-rate merchandise from the former Communist land helps to destroy the American manufacturing base. This also takes jobs away from Americans, but since they have government jobs they know they don’t need to care. Read the full story
Posted in Biz News