Tag Archive | "Hillary Clinton"

Publication of “The Brian Williams Story” Nixed


Excerpts from “The Brian Williams Story”, a rumored biography that will now apparently never see print:

November 9, 1989
“All I can say is that it was an honor and a thrill to be the only major American news anchor on site when the Berlin Wall fell. It was a combination of good luck and astute planning that put me there that night so that I could report this major event back home to our NBC viewing audience. Or maybe it was Tom Brokaw. The important thing is that we were there.” Read the full story

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Innocent Hillary Unjustly Victimised Re: “Dead New Yorker” Comments


Future disgraced US President Hillary Clinton…

Sorry, I mean, disgraced future US President Hillary Clinton…

Well, to keep it simple, the somewhat more talented and principled member of the Hill and Bill double act (gotcha!) has recently turned up uninvited to a funeral in New York.

Well, not exactly “uninvited,” as such. Actually, some PR wonk from among the People That Count™ told me that Clinton merely made an “unplanned appearance.” Read the full story

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Hillary Clinton Latest in Nude Celebrity Photo Scandal


Aspiring Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton appears to be the latest notable figure involved in the nude celebrity photo leak scandal, according to traumatized sources who have seen the photos.

“I can’t believe I saw those pictures!” said TMZ spokesperson Alicia Hartless. “I may have to spend a few years in therapy just to wipe those images from my mind!”

Some people who saw the pictures were not offended at all. “I think she’s pretty hot”, said Los Angeles car salesman Andrew Spigelman. “But, then again, I think iguanas are pretty hot”.

Clinton was very upset when she heard that her cell phone pictures had been hacked. “Those ‘naughty nighty’ and ‘secret masturbation’ pictures were only supposed to be between me and Bill!” she said excitedly. “When I become President the first thing I’ll do is find the people who hacked me and shackle them for the rest of their lives!”

RNC Press Secretary Kristen Kukowski downplayed the nude photos. “We’re not talking about pictures of Kim Kardashian or Hope Solo here. Those are people we WANT to see naked”.

Glossy News refused to post any of the nude photos of the former First Lady because some people reading this may be having lunch.

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Hillary is Not Bad at Basketball. Period. But She WILL be President


Rachel Maddow of the left-leaning news network™ MSNBC has defended Hillary Clinton from malicious and false conservative allegations™ that she is bad at basketball. See this transcript:

“The enemies of the Democratic Party™, is there any depths to which they will not stoop™ to insult this woman with malicious and self-evidently false™, I mean absolutely ridiculously implausible allegations™?

“I believe if Hillary Clinton were a man, no-one would ever criticize her in this way™. Read the full story

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After Dismal Sales, Publisher Recommends Other Uses For Hillary Clinton Book


New York City – Publishing giant Simon & Schuster, desperate to find a way to turn a profit on Hillary Clinton’s new book “Hard Choices”, has come out with other possible uses for the book.

The company hopes to entice some who don’t intend to read the book to purchase it anyway. Read the full story

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Hillary Clinton Reveals She Was Original Member of “The Beverly Hillbillies”


New York City – Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton came out of the poor house long enough today, on her current book tour, to confess to the world how hard her life has been. She and former President Clinton were “dead broke.”

Clinton, speaking to Diane Sawyer, revealed for the first time that she and Bill were both members of the real family that The Beverly Hillbillies TV show was based on. Read the full story

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Former First Lady Hilary Clinton Admits She and Bill Were Homeless After the White House


In a shocking revelation, former First Ladt Hilary Clinton admits she and her husband were ‘homeless’ after leaving the White House.

“We were trying to squeak by on Bill’s pension while trying to pay for Chelsea’s education and we just couldn’t handle it!” Clinton confided. “We found ourselves living on the street!”

Finally the pair managed to convince one of their bodyguards to put them up in his guest room for a few weeks while they got back on their feet. When Ms. Clinton got her first speaking engagement for $200,000 they managed to find a small place.

“We spent all our money on legal fees for Bill and defending ourselves from Whitewater”, Hillary continued. Not to mention how much money we spent paying people to keep their big mouths shut!”

Hillary says they can now empathize with homeless people and their families as they have ‘been there and done that’.

“You really don’t understand the situation until you have eaten from a trash can yourself”, she stated. “And park benches and under bridges are not very comfortable”.

The Clintons now claim assets of over $200 million including two multimillion dollar homes and feel more comfortable than they have in years. “The extra money helps keep the wolf from our door” she said.

Hillary would not disclose how they accumulated such vast reserves on wealth in such a short time except to say, “let’s say it’s time for people to pay US to keep our mouths shut!”

“Now we keep our dumpster filled with fresh fruit and vegetables so other homeless people can have a good meal”, she said with a smile.

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Ultrasound Shows Chelsea Clinton’s Unborn Child is a Conservative


(Great Falls, VA.) – To the horror of the entire Clinton clan, ultrasound results have proven that Chelsea Clinton is pregnant with a conservative child.

The family was overjoyed at the initial news of the pregnancy but, upon learning of the test results, have gone into a time of mourning over its political affiliation.

Mrs. Clinton was shocked when their nurse informed them of the news. “I’m speechless and don’t know what I’m going to do! How could this happen to me? Why have I been cursed?” Read the full story

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Dean Chambers: A Look Into the Next 10 Years (Part 6)


Todays entry in our predictions from the future series comes from Dean Chambers, the conservative blogger and statistician famous for his staunchly pro-Romney predictions during the 2012 presidential election.

His expertise is in politics, so these are largely political predictions for 2023, but it’s a good read all around. Read the full story

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Posted in Politics, TechnologyComments (6)

Hillary Clinton Poisoned By Palestinian Terrorists


Contrary to published reports, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton did not suffer digestive difficulties followed by a fainting spell followed by a blood clot but was actually poisoned by unnamed Palestinian militant terrorists.

“We knew most people weren’t falling for that blood clot story”, said an unknown, anonymous source who asked not to be named. “Let’s just say she’s doing okay considering how much poison she ingested”.

Official White House sources were keeping hush on Clinton’s condition but stood by their story that Clinton was suffering a blood clot brought on by a fainting spell.

“She fainted and got a blood clot. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “There were no Palestinian terrorists or secret sources that infiltrated our government because we’re too smart for that!”

The source stated that foreign governments wanted to do Clinton in before the end of her term to send a message to the United States government that they didn’t want a woman deciding foreign policy.

“She should be at home, tending to her husbands needs, doing the dishes and spending time with her family. Not running all over the world telling grown Palestinian men what to do!” said an alleged terrorist who asked not be named.

Clinton refused to discuss the matter thus fueling even more speculation about her declining health.

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The Budding U.S.-al-Qaeda Reconciliation


The US and al-Qaeda find themselves on the same side again. Ayman al-Zawarhiri, the top leader of al-Qaeda has issued a call for a religious war against Syria, as has Hilary Clinton, the US Secretary of State. I caught up with them at an undisclosed high security location where the food is kosher and the hosts are supportive of regime change in Syria.

RIGHT: al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri and U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton meet in a secret location several months prior to the 2012 U.S. elections. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Libyan Press Conference Misquote Causes Health Concerns for Hillary Clinton


Washington DC – (SatireWorld.com)

Fresh from her overseas trip to Libya to address the current political turmoil, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton laid to rest her physical ailments before a questioning international press corp in lieu of reports that she recently visited a well-known physician before leaving on her overseas trip.

"Yes, I have a condition and Bill is helping look after it for me," stated the teary-eyed ex-First Lady. Read the full story

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Hillary Clinton: Flies (and Aircraft) Will Fly in No-Fly Zone


U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Turkish Foreign Minister Ahmet Davutoglu indicated in an August meeting with reporters that they were exploring the possible imposition of a no-fly zone over Syria.

Secretary Clinton was on an official visit to Turkey. I reached her by phone shortly after the meeting.

PHOTO: US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (L), Turkey’s President Abdullah Gul (C) and Foreign Minister Ahmet Davutoglu (R) (AFP) CLICK TO ENLARGE Read the full story

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Obama Charged With NDAA Violation


Hillary Clinton has declined interviews, saying “We will seek our attorneys,” over breaking news that US assistance to Syrian rebels in order to oust the Assad government, could violate the NDAA (National Defense Authorization Act).

Admittedly, the Obama administration is caught between upholding the NDAA, on the one hand, and charging itself on the other, in which case it can be arrested without habeus corpus and held without charge, indefinitely. Read the full story

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Obama’s Othello “Obamothello” Debuts in Lib Stronghold


Debuting next Saturday in the liberal bastion of hedonism known as San Francisco, this travesty on the English language, brought to you by deep-pocket interests from the left fringe, who somehow feel it’s acceptable to rewrite the great texts to suit their own purposes, will make its stage debut. We won’t even give the theater (or theatre, as they prefer to be called,) the courtesy of link. They know what they’ve done. Read the full story

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Hillary Presidential Hopes Fading


Grand Rapids, MI native Hillary Pierce was shocked this week to learn CNN thinks her senior class presidency bid is doomed. According to lunch room witnesses, seventeen-year old Hillary was inconsolable and left early, missing her AP Chemistry class.

At issue is recent CNN reportage, echoed by Washington Post editorials that divulge how Gerald R. Ford High School has finally wised up. Hillary Pierce isn’t class president material. Read the full story

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