Tag Archive | "heaven"

Breaking – Heofon: A New Non-Secular World On The Horizon?

Topeka, KS, USA—During a special televised press briefing simulcast on FOX news and CBN this past Tuesday, a small group of faith-based engineers and Liberty University geologists, along with biologists working out of Central Christian College, as well as home-schooled technicians associated with the JPL facilities (Jesus Proselytizing Laboratory) in Cawker City, Kansas, announced the launch of an ambitious and mammoth undertaking—a project, which if fully realized will see the birth of a new man-made celestial object in our solar system. Read the full story


Posted in Religionism, Science & TechnologizzyComments (3)

Residents of Heaven Complain about Lack of Freedom

Residents of a community somewhere in southern California are coming forward with serious allegations of discrimination, forced behavior, and restrictions on personal freedom.

Compared by its residents to ‘prison’ the community apparently forces them to wear white robes at all times and to sing hymns for the community’s dictatorial administrator. That’s not the worst of it though – residents are not allowed to leave the premises… ever! Read the full story


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Suicide Bomber Surprise – Few of 72 Virgins Young or Women

TEHRAN, Iran – Future suicide bombers around the globe woke up with a jolt today, when they realized they faced a surprising religious announcement from a leading Iranian cleric. No, it wasn’t the sound of their vests exploding, but it was just as startling for them considering the ramifications.

The Super Exclusively Grand Ayatollah in Iran acknowledged that the supposed 72 Virgins waiting in Heaven for any departed suicide bomber who has chosen the path of martyrdom are not always young. He also added with a grimace that they also aren’t always girls. Read the full story


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God Photoshops Jupiter

Galley Leio, Australia – An amateur astronomer from Australia has photos to prove that God has a computer and He’s pretty good at photoshopping objects in the universe to change their appearance (God that is).

Take Jupiter for example. Astronomers claim that normal pictures of Jupiter show two distinct bands of dark cloud matter over the northern and southern ends of the planet, with the Giant Red Spot visible down by the lower dark band.

When Australian Astronomer Nicus Coper viewed Jupiter just last month however, after the planet came out from behind the sun, the dark band at the bottom was missing and the Giant Red Spot was redder. Read the full story


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Strike By Angels Shuts Down Heaven

Heaven (GlossyNews) — A major uproar has occurred in the normally peaceful and idyllic universal subdivision of Heaven, home to famous celebrities such as Jehovah, Odin, Osiris, Allah, Zeus, Ahura Mazda, God and their flunkies Buddha, Zarathustra, Moses, Mithra and, of course, Jesus. Read the full story


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Jesus Puts Population of Heaven at 150, Tops

WEST CHESTER, PA. – The civilized world was gobsmacked yesterday by Jesus’ off-hand remark that there are roughly 150 people in heaven. That’s 1-to-the-5-plus-0, period, the population of septic fields like Armpit, New Mexico, and Chowder Falls, Wisconsin.

If your brain hurts from trying to cope with the notion that there are fewer people in heaven than there are in Starbucks on a Sunday morning, try coping with this instead: if fewer than one one-bazillionth of one percent of all the people who have ever lived were good enough to get into heaven, you’re probably screwed. Read the full story


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