Tag Archive | "hallmark"

Hallmark Creates an Alternative to Holiday Cards


Kansas City, Missouri – Hallmark Cards, Inc. made an exciting announcement, Tuesday morning, that they will be offering an alternative to traditional greeting cards this holiday season known as the “This Card Is Not A Card” Series.

The new release was designed for people that want to give a card to accompany a gift, but do not want to deal with the emotional stress involved in selecting one that contains the perfect amount of sentimental or comedic effects.

In addition to stress, cost was also a significant factor in the new creation as the average price of a holiday card has skyrocketed to $5.79. The new alternatives range from $0.99 to $2.49 and are available in stores and online.

“This is a whole new concept,” said Swedish Psychoanalyst, Heinrich T. Heimichschlopper.

“For centuries, man has dealt with the issue of wanting to give a card with a gift, but not wanting to give a card at the same time due to the stress that comes with having to find the appropriate card, whether it be funny, sentimental or vicariously evil. These new holiday cards that are cards, but at the same time are not cards, solve all those issues. Astounding!” Heimichschlopper added.

In addition to being praised by the critics, consumers are also reacting positively.

“This revolutionary line completely changes the way we give gifts to people who have no appreciation for the gift-givers efforts in finding the card,” said Justine Rodier, who until this release had completely lost faith in Hallmark’s card selection.

“I have chosen the wrong card hundreds of times, in a variety of different situations and there is nothing worse than the reaction from the person who received the card with a graphic or phrase that doesn’t match their personality,” Rodier added.

Hallmark has been struggling as of late, but expects to see strong sales from their new products. “After publishing our millionth card, we began noticing an unfavorable trend in product sales,” said Vice President of Creative Services, Margaret Splishfish.

“Year after year, consumers visit their neighborhood gift shops that offer a variety of emotional cards and they finally snapped! Everyone at corporate knew it was time for a change,” Splishfish added.

The card alternatives are being released exclusively for the 2014 holiday season and come with seven different phrases including: “Are you looking for a card? Because this is not a card” and “This card does not represent an actual card.” Due to human emotions typically associated with greeting or holiday cards, all traditional images and colors have been removed from the new line as to disassociate them from all previously created greeting cards.

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Christmas Miracle Leaves Woman Bored


LIFEMARK FAMILYTOWN, USA – Today Melody Christmas (40) is a woman who has it all. She is a mother of two, wife of an artsy-rugged-rich sensitive male, and CEO of a multinational bakery-café-puppy store chain.

But a few weeks before Christmas she was a normal American woman, unwinding after work in her one bedroom apartment drinking $4 red wine and watching the British version of things on Netflix while scrolling through Facebook statuses of how everyone else is happier, more successful, and more married than she is. Read the full story

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Mother’s Day Often Celebrated Just Plain Wrong (comic)


Maybe you have mommy issues, maybe you don’t. Or maybe you’re in that in-between realm where you’re not sure if you do or not. Spoiler alert, you have mommy issues.

What did YOU do for your mother on Mother’s Day, this most fabricated of all holidays. Come on, let’s get real, we all know it’s true. This is a Hallmark-Invented holiday designed to get you to spend mad stacks of money, and one that works uncommonly well. Read the full story

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