HOBOKEN, New Jersey (GlossyNews) — The Pentagon today announced that in keeping with the President’s unofficial request to keep spending to a minimum, it would henceforth be purchasing many items used from the popular auction site, eBay at considerably less than they would cost if bought outright from government contractors. In fact, the House Appropriations Committee has declared eBay an official government supply contractor from here on out. Read the full story

A MESSAGE TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES

Official notification is hereby given by venue of this website to all citizens of the United States that the government of said land is dissolved and that the entity formerly known as the United States Of America has been acquired in a hostile takeover by the newly formed Corporation of North America. All questions of national allegiance and international relations will now be addressed to the Halliburton America section of of the new entity. Read the full story

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION in Northern Southern Wyoming (GlossyNews) — The wheels are already grinding under the Dick Cheney for Dictator campaign of 2012. The former President of Vice of the United States announced his candidacy at a meeting of Corporations For Keeping America Under Our Thumbs’ convention in New Orleans.

Cheney’s opening speech contained many gems that had the crowds standing and cheering such as “I will bring to bear the iron fist that America so badly needs”, Read the full story

NEW YORK, New York (GlossyNews) -– Talking like he was getting ready for the biggest basketball game of his life, President Barack Obama made it perfectly clear Tuesday morning on the Today Show that he is contemplating opening that big can of whup ass he has stored in his desk drawer and unleashing it on whoever is responsible for the oil spill. Read the full story

Jackson, WY (GlossyNews)b– “Oh what an oily mess we make when kickbacks from Halliburton we do take,” should have screamed the headlines in this morning’s newspapers across the land. But alas, it was not to be. Instead, the only media outlets to pick up on the story of Halliburton’s very real involvement in the construction, and ultimate destruction, of the oil platform owned by British Petroleum were the liberal news outlets. And we know what that means…liberals are always looking for a way to bring down Dick Cheney. Read the full story

Bogota, Columbia – In an unusual development in the strife-torn South American country of Columbia, the giant war machine known as Halliburton seems to be growing food. Over the past 6 months, on advice from a high-level undisclosed source, the company has planted the equivalent of 2500 square miles of garden carrots to replace the growing of cocoa plants in conjunction with the US and Columbian governments’ drug replacement policies. Read the full story