New York, NY – In a jolly but firm tone, the Association of Mall Santas (AMS) has issued a formal demand to Wall Street giant Goldman Sachs to hand over all their doses of the swine flu vaccine to the thousands of Mall Santas across the country who are going into this holiday season woefully unprepared to face one of the deadliest flu viruses to hit the world in recent memory. “If Virginia were alive today,” said one jolly old elf, “she’d be at high risk of catching a deadly disease from her most beloved adult figure. Yes, Virginia, there is a swine flu-carrying Santa Claus after all.” Read the full story

President Barack Obama officially declared a public health emergency due to H1N1 on Friday evening, and did so with a gusto uncustomary even for him.

The Obama Administration said this proclamation will waive certain standard federal requirements as needed, on a case-by-case basis, specifically pertaining to peep and/or tug n’ grind entertainment facilities. Read the full story

A detailed functional artificial human brain will be available on the National Health Service within the next year – if we don’t all die of Sneezy Pig virus this autumn – or the effects of the toxic anti-flu vaccine – according to scientists and technicians assigned to TV’s Scrapheap Challenge research lab’s. Read the full story

The UK’s legion of Oinkyitis H1N1 pig flu emergency call centres are to close just weeks after opening because staff have been spending most of their time playing cards and board games and generally sitting around scratching their arses – and getting paid for doing sweet FA. Read the full story

Jerusalem – Israeli Health officials have announced today that the swine flu vaccine will not be made available to the general public as punishment for the more than 1,700 people who went against Hebrew law by contracting swine flu. Read the full story