Tag Archive | "gossip"

Gwyneth Paltrow Fitted for Muzzle, Treated for Diarrhea of the Mouth

Los Angeles, CA – Some people don’t know when to shut up. Such is the case with actress Gwyneth Paltrow. Her mouth has gotten her in hot water with critics again and, this time, drastic measures have been taken to prevent further asinine comments on her part. Read the full story


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Scandal: Obama Admits Pansexual Affair

WASHINGTON – Tears and beers were the currency in the West Wing as news broke that President Barack Obama confessed to a “torrid and greasy” pansexual affair.

Obama could scarcely hold back the tears as he recounted to the press details of his many intimate encounters with a Cuisinart 2000 frying pan during the period of October 2011 to January 2013, when he finally was enough relieved by entering into a second term and broke off the relationship. Describing the affair Obama said: Read the full story


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Man Calls “Dibs” On Burgundy Role, Sends Ferrell Packing

MINNEAPOLIS- Everyone and their maternal mothers are looking forward to the sequel to the hit movie Anchorman, which set box office records for a news-based, pseudo-docudramady across the country back in 2004.

However, there have been rumors bubbling around regarding big, some might even say large changes to the cast.

It seemed set in stone that after such a phenomenal performance in the first movie, Will Ferrell would be welcomed back as Ron Burgundy in the sequel, but the latest dirt-devil out of the barren rumorscape, this seems it will sadly not be the case. Read the full story


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Who Wore It Best? Apocalypse Edition

MINNEAPOLIS-With the world as we know it coming to a close, it is no surprise that the public eye is turning toward celebrities, scrutinizing their every move amid all of the chaos.

Of course, just like poor people, celebrities are preparing for doomsday in a variety of different ways. For instance, Kristin Stewart has been practicing smiling in the mirror in hopes of gaining more friends while Honey Boo Boo and family recently bought out the company Hostess in an effort to ward off future starvation and see what diabetes feels like. Read the full story


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Angus T. Jones Proves Sheen Wasn’t the Real Crazy

Erstwhile chubster and modern day mini-hunk Angus T. Jones, best known as the child Charlie Sheen molested on Two and a Half Men made waves this week when he turned on his handlers and devoured whole his own career.

The child actor best known for playing third-fiddle behind Jon Cryer spoke out at a christian event, decrying the show that pays him $350,000 per 22-minutes of production as evil, demonic and “truly Sheenish”. Read the full story


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Glossy News Rumor Mill on the Fritz

Glossy News is usually the first to get all the news that is fit to print out there for everyone in a somewhat timely manner. However, due to mechanical failures which have occurred in the past couple of weeks, the conveyor belt that runs the rumor mill has gone kaput.

Stories are being churned out manually, which is causing a backlog.

It’s slow going but it is going. You’ll see your stories up on the front page just as soon as possible.

The rumors being circulated that Lucille Ball has come back from the dead and is messing everything up with liquored-up candies are false. There is liquor involved, but no candies that we are aware of.

Thanks to all who write for Glossy News and thanks, especially, for your patience and understanding.


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Lindsay Lohan Bursts Special Treatment Bubble

oh man, imagine this… you’re a super-stalker of a Hollywood vixen the likes of Lindsay Lohan. Now imagine that you’re getting popped by cops and the only last line of defense is that you own the coochie possessed in “Freaky Friday”… yeah, you see how bad it goes, and how jacked Lindsay Lohan truly was.

Glossy News has learned that Lindsay Lohan was in just such a fracas, and that it ended in just such unexpectedly bad ways in kind. Read the full story


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Once You’ve Had Tiger, You Can’t Go Back

I rushed into the conference room where my colleagues had gathered to discuss potential stories to publish in the next day’s newspaper. As the editor, Oscar sat at the head of the table, gulping down a cup of foul-smelling coffee, he leaned towards Mel, a senior reporter, flipping through a color-tabbed notebook. “What have you got?”

“Fire at the civic building downtown. Fifteen confirmed dead. Cause of fire unknown, but arson is suspected.”
Read the full story


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