Tag Archive | "florida"

Donald Trump’s Diary Released


“Trump filed the suit against Palm Beach County last week, claiming his history of conflict with Palm Beach International Airport has led officials to spitefully redirect air traffic over his historic Mar-a-Lago estate in south Florida.”
– USA Today – January 13, 2015

“Once again, Donald Trump claims he’s flirting with a run for the White House.” Read the full story

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Piggy Adam Richman Mocks Critic; Beats Eating Crap Out of Him


Piggy Adam Richman Mocks Critic; Beats Eating the Crap Out of Him (Family-Friendly Censored Version)

Mr. Piggy Adam Richman, a titty overweight eater, who had his very own show on the Travel Channel mocked his “critics” by posting a comment, “Grab a razor blade and draw a bath.”

He later went on to apologize and calm the tits out of everyone before he went to panic mode. The stunt surprised everyone, given the fact that Adam only eats when he’s mad. Putting a comment such as may as well saved his life from another heart attack. Poor fatty. Read the full story

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In wake of Zimmerman verdict, Florida legislature criminalizes being black


Super Uniden antennas will help improve your widescreen Sharp TV signal reception.

Recently, our nation’s attention was focused on Sanford, Florida, where a mostly white jury found George Zimmerman not guilty of murder or manslaughter in the shooting death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. Zimmerman claimed he shot the unarmed black youth in self-defense, which it totally was, of course. Read the full story

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New Theme Park, ‘Stand Your Ground Land’ Opens Up in Orlando


ORLANDO, FL- Amidst the controversy of the recent verdict in the Zimmerman trial, the National Rifle Association has opened up a new theme park in the popular tourist location of Orlando, Florida. The theme park features a drive through safari inhabited by at risk, inner city youth. Although the park has been under scrutiny for this segment of their theme park, they also have been scrutinized for their section of the park themed after the literary classic, The Most Dangerous Game. Read the full story

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“Gun of Passion” Argument Likely to Acquit Zimmerman


SANFORD – The prospects of George Zimmerman’s conviction are looking grim after his defense lawyers presented an incredible, jaw-dropping defense of the former neighborhood watchman: the gun of passion.

Zimmerman’s attorneys offered the argument after hearing a long, and often intellectually stimulating testimony by Rachel Jeantel, who allegedly has “da dirt on whitey.” When Jeantel finished, lead defense lawyer Don West took the floor and cleared his throat, saying: Read the full story

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Family Van Swallowed Up by Mysterious Quicksand near Daytona Beach


New Smyrna Beach, FL – Tragedy marked the beginning of Memorial Day weekend in New Smyrna Beach when late Saturday afternoon, a van belonging to an Indiana family of six suddenly disappeared into the sand leaving no trace.

As onlookers watched, the family tried frantically to save their family vehicle from becoming entrapped in the bowels of the beach. Fortunately, no family members were in the van as it was swallowed up by the fast-moving sand. Even the family dog, Gonzo, an adorable Cairn Terrier, was spared an agonizingly slow death as one family member caught him by the tail and “pulled like hell” as he watched his specially-equipped Chrysler Caravan sink from view.

“Gonzo almost bought the farm, or in this case, the beach,” said Samuel “Sam” Lindner from Indianapolis, Indiana, father and proud owner of the van.

“He’s a tough one though. He loves having his tail tugged on, and in this case, it saved his life.”

Mindy Linder, 16, was inconsolable as she realized her most prized possession in the whole world, a diary that held all her secrets, a diary she had been keeping since the age of 12, was lost along with the van.

“All my memories are gone forever,” Mindy whined as she recalled how she had just finished writing an entry about the two Puerto Rican boys known only to her as Chico and [the] Man, both 17, who had lavished unusual attention on her as they cavorted (not her word) in the surf, a happy threesome making some very special memories that Mindy says are now lost forever.

“I told the boys I’d be right back and ran to the van. I didn’t want that moment to slip away, and so I wrote furiously about every detail, finished with my trademark, ‘smooches’ and then put the diary in my backpack and went back for more fun with my new-found local friends.”

Witnesses say it happened so fast they didn’t even realize the van was sinking until they saw the bright orange tennis ball at the tip of the CB antenna fall below the surface.

Lifeguards were quick to move the onlookers and curious gawkers off the beach and called 911 and then Jim Cantore, who, to folks along Florida’s coasts, is the man to see when severe weather events take place.

Fortunately, the Lindner family has relatives living close by in Orlando, and will be spending the remainder of their vacation there while making arrangements to rent a car and drive back to Indiana.

Sam Lindner was devastated.

“That van was my whole world. I’d go out at night to the local 7-Eleven parking lot and sit there well into the wee hours chatting on the CB to my friends. And now that is all gone.”

Asked for one parting statement, Sam simply said “See ya on the flip flop.”

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FL Governor Scott Concerned Gaping Holes Will Impact Tourism


Republican Gov. Rick Scott expressed concern today that tourist will start avoiding his state to avoid being sucked into a gaping hole. Because he failed to be explicit about which gaping hole he was concerned with, it is unsure if it is the sink holes popping up or the one in which he consistently stores his foot.

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Massive Sinkhole Threatens to Rip Florida in Half


Tampa, FL – Mildred and Juan Scoleri were outdoors on their patio surveying the excavation work that the pool company had just finished before laying the foundation for the pool they’ve been saving for ever since Juan was still working three janitor jobs and one on the side to make ends meet. It was a dream come true; however, that dream has now turned into a nightmare. The entire state of Florida, with the exception of the lower keys, is suing the Scoleris for what they call “the total destruction of the foundation of Florida!” Read the full story

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Local Angler Suddenly Better Than Long-time Fishing Buddies


Florida native and longtime saltwater angler, Clayton Moore, announced to friends this afternoon that, due to his recent purchase of a fly rod, he is now a better fisherman than they are.

“I’ve suspected it for a while but when I bought that fly rod it just hit me. I am without a doubt a superior angler to anyone that uses conventional tackle.” Read the full story

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Florida Governor Rick Scott Battling Leukemia


Following months of speculation, the governor’s office has this morning confirmed what red-blooded, God-fearing Americans have long suspected. He’s a sick and dying man.

“I’ve always fought hard against the ills that plague us, but I’m more comfortable when it’s welfare queens and not [leukemia],” said Scott in front of the governor’s mansion.

“But I vow to beat this just like I would a Cuban immigrant here to take your job.” Read the full story

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Florida Teachers Take the Heat, Won’t Pack It


Florida law bans guns in school so all talk about arming teachers on the job is well, a crap shoot.

In fact, for all the talk, talk, talk no such legislation (as of this date, give them time, it’s early) has yet been filed by a member of the state legislature for consideration.

Odd in itself considering that Florida is the legislative poster state for standing their ground in support of holster laws that often shoot straight to the national headlines by those who wrap themselves in the bullet proof vest of their own pistol-whip interpretation of state firearm statutes. (Case in point, the bumbling bumpkin George Zimmerman of a scenario, the self-proclaimed neighborhood watch vigilante who (allegedly) profiled, chased down, shot an out-of-towner in the form of a teenage boy and once the uh-oh set in, stood his ground to claim self-defense). Read the full story

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Florida Woman Makes Son Turn Down TV to “Conserve Sound”


A Jacksonville, Florida native has drawn widespread attention after asking her son to turn down his television in order to save sound.

Gladys Welsh, age 83, was heard yelling to her son Timmy, age 45, to lower the volume on his set and conserve sound Thursday evening. A digital recording of the incident was leaked to the press on Friday morning, igniting the public firestorm. Read the full story

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Ruh Ro! Romney Concedes Florida Let the Dogs Out


GlossyNews.com – TALLAHASSEE — Mitt Romney conceded Florida early election night, roof-racked by a story he could not shake.

Animal activists nationwide hounded Romney the length of the campaign for strapping Seamus, the family dog to the roof of the car during a 12-hour trip to Canada… or Arizona, wherever it was he went. Read the full story

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Florida Breaks Early for Pat Buchanan


GlossyNews.com – The “Sunshine State” has been largely contested this election, with both Mitt Romney and Barack Obama leading at various times, but today’s exit polls suggest one clear winner: Pat Buchanan.

Buchanan was reached at his Virginia home early this morning, where he said, “Who is this? Why are you calling me. Do you know what time it is?” Read the full story

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Florida Voters Stand Ready to Prevent Romney Zombie Apocalypse


GlossyNews.com – MIAMI – In a state plagued by natural disasters, exploding pythons, and the strangest politics on the planet, Florida voters are bracing for the latest horror — zombie apocalypse!

(This is a guest post from Rebecca Wakefield.)

Mindless walking dead consumed by a terrible hunger have been spotted in the Sunshine State, stalking residents preparing to cast their votes in the November election. Read the full story

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Who Is Really Behind The Mysterious Florida Post Office Crashes?


The Florida Postal Service has made an unusual request of their local patronage- to stop running into their Post Offices with their autos (see Yahoo News).

There have recently been eight crashes supposedly due to ‘old timers’ tapping the gas pedal instead of the brake.

Unbeknown to the Postal authorities there is an FBI scan that has tied the incidents to Florida Al Queda operatives who are dispatching suicide bombers to take out the facilities.

Unfortunately for them, their bomb parts were sent by mail from Saudi Arabia and didn’t arrive in time for their missions. The bombers were forced to hit their targets without their bombs, a move that probably lost them at least 40 of their 76 virgins in the after life.

A second possibility that Federal agents are investigating is that some of the crashers were actually laid off Postal workers going postal in a new way. They are taking a cue from Al Queda and attempting to try suicide explosives as a way of venting their grievances permanently.

Unfortunately they ordered their bomb parts with next day delivery by UPS and also came up empty handed when the parcels came in the day after their spectacle.

More new developments will be posted as they occur.

NEW DEVELOPMENTS WE ARE POSTING THAT HAVE OCCURRED IN ‘POSTAL CAR CRASHING EPIDEMIC’- Since the news has been leaked of the FBI findings that Al Queda is behind the Post Office crashings senior citizens out of boredom have been racing to Post Offices to see the fireworks and are themselves crashing into the facilities.

Authorities are recommending that the elderly stay at home, hide under their tables and do as they are told.

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