Paul Ryan is back home in Wisconsin and resting comfortably after suffering an attack by a pack of angry lemurs at a Southwest Florida elementary school where Ryan was speaking last Friday. “He’s got a few nasty scratches,” said Ryan’s wife, Janna, “but doctors expect him to make a full recovery within a few weeks.” Read the full story

ORLANDO, FL – In yet another shocking twist for a case that has gripped the nation, the 12 jurors who voted to acquit Casey Anthony of all murder charges in the death of her daughter Caylee, appear to be more than just “sick to their stomachs”, and have sent a formal request in writing to Judge Belvin Perry asking whether or not it’s too late to “take it back.” Read the full story

Venice, Fla – GlossyNews.com – Where the Sun Don’t Shine Nudist Camp in Venice, Fla was the scene of a recent major FBI raid as agents, posing as nudist camp members, sprang a trap on a dozen alleged Russian spies au naturel.

“This is the first major FBI operation in history in which agents went undercover in the altogether to investigate naked suspects,” says agent Julie Nubilstorm. Read the full story

Panama City, FL. (GlossyNews.com) – School superintendent Bill Husfelt, who survived a gunman’s vendetta during a board meeting on Tuesday, claims God protected him when suspect Clay Duke opened fire on him and his colleagues. “God was standing in front of me, and I’ll go to my grave believing that”, he was quoted as saying.

Fortunately for Mr. Husfelt, he won’t have to wait until he’s six feet under to find out, as the Supreme Being sent out a divine press release today confirming that He did, in fact, intervene on the board member’s behalf. Read the full story

TAMPA, Fla. (Glossy News) — A Florida woman on her way to visit her boyfriend had an accident on busy US Highway 1 today. Investigating officers say the accident occurred while the driver was temporarily distracted giving herself a bikini cut. Witnesses say she was driving at speeds of up to 65 mph. The driver who was rear-ended in the mishap was not injured. Paramedics discharged him on the scene. Read the full story

The oil gusher in the Gulf of Mexico has spread east as far as Pensacola, Florida, where the Five Flags race track is located. In response, noted NASCAR also-ran and female driver Danica Patrick showed her solidarity for her suffering Gulf co-victims, promptly spun out and wrecked her car into the barricade.

There were no serious injuries, though many fans still hold out hope.

MIAMI, FL (GlossyNews) — Police in Miami have released a sketch of a suspect wanted for questioning in the case of a local model found burned inside a trash bin.

The 26-year-old African American model was found last month; police used dental records to identify her. Read the full story

BREAKING NEWS – Fox News has taken the plunge(errr) and has hired Sarah Palin as a contributor to take on some of the most controversial issues of our time, including climate change. Satirists and comedians were said to be partying into the wee hours of the night in anticipation of “the perfect storm,” i.e. Palin, Fox News and climate change coming together all in one place, and none can wait for Sarah’s opening performance.

So what makes Sarah such an expert on say, climate change, you ask? Ok stay with me on this one. In case you haven’t heard, she is from Wasilla, Alaska and of course, dontacha know that you can see Russia from her house. Read the full story

London (GlossyNews) — A spokesman for Richard Branson today announced the entrepreneur’s plans to build a world class ski resort in Florida to take advantage of the changing climate. Stanley Kidd, in a press conference in London laid out Branson’s goal, “Richard wants to turn this whole mess of global warming into something we can enjoy and can help out the economy.” “Richard says it is time to stop whining about global warming and and actually DO something … to make money. of course.”

“We see Brevard County in Florida as one of the key tourist venues of the future as the snow will begin to pile up there in record proportions. Read the full story