Tag Archive | "fat"

Nutritionist Predicts 80% of Mississippi Population Will Die by 2018


Current statistics show that the people of Mississippi are the fattest in the nation weighing in at an average of 197 lbs. for a 5’8” person. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that their diets play a huge role in just how fat they are. However, it does take a nutritionist, who also happens to be a self-professed clairvoyant, to predict how these numbers will impact the state of Mississippi in the near future. Read the full story

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Morbidly Obese Man’s Wish to Crowd Surf Ends Disatrilariously


Jacob “Don’t Use My Last Name” Wilberson of Pocatello, Idaho, has had one dream since watching grunge videos in the 90s; to crowd surf.

It came to fruition this week as it also came crashing down with as many newtons in tow as a 419 pound man can muster. According to witnesses, it wasn’t pretty, but it was pretty funny.

Heywood Jalickit told Glossy News, “First of all, I don’t even know how a dude that big gets up on the stage in the first place [what with his waddly, sweaty, stubby little legs,] but then how he can manage to jump off a stage?” Read the full story

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Plumbers Rush to Stop NSA Leak


FORT MEADE – After gaining word of a tremendous NSA leak, plumbers from across the country dashed to Maryland in hopes of averting an insurance claim disaster.

Led by Joe Wurzelbacher and John McCain, the group of crusading pipe-fixers donned 1UP t-shirts and sang the Mario Bros. theme song as they surrounded the NSA headquarters and formed a human wall against the leaking ooze, which is believed to have originated in a clogged septic tank in the building’s basement. Read the full story

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Adele Wins Lawsuit Over “Fat Joke” on Internet


In what is no doubt the weirdest court case since John Goodman sued the makers of the film The Blob for title copyright infringement, music star Adele has won a dramatic and painstaking lawsuit against an America teenager.

Her case was won on the grounds of a joke at her expense on the internet.

The drama all started back in late February when, upon seeing Adele perform for the first time on the Academy Awards, Joey Trolman, 19, of New Jersey wrote this as a Facebook status: “Gee, no wonder Adele is ‘rolling in the deep’: her mattress imprint is big enough for a kiddie pool!” Read the full story

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Heavy Sigh as Obesity Vaccine Wins FDA Approval


Fast Food Restaurants Go Ahead With Even More Bacon Options in Kids Meals

Washington, DC – The Food and Drug Administration has given final approval on a vaccine that, when administered at a young age, will allow children to eat anything they want without gaining any fat. The obesity vaccine was developed in answer to the failed USDA’s MyPlate program, which replaced the even more disastrous MYPyramid Food Chart, both of which have done little to curtail the rising epidemic of obesity in America. Read the full story

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Fat People Live Longer, Healthier Lives, According to New Research


It’s finally time to get off the treadmill and stuff down some pork sausage as researchers have determined that people who have at least 30% body fat live longer, healthier lives than their active, slim counterparts.

“Fat people tend to live longer and enjoy life more than thin people”, said Katherine Flegal, epidemiologist with the Center for Disease Control and Prevention as she munched on a bag of M&Ms. “We recommend that people ‘pork up’ to be healthy!”

Previous research suggested that active people with a body mass index (BMI) between 18% and 25% were the healthiest but new research finds a BMI between 25% and 34% to be the healthiest.

McDonald’s Restaurant is taking advantage of the new findings by declaring Big Macs as ‘health food’ and encourages its patrons to drink more sugary soft drinks.

“We want out thinnest patrons to become healthy”, said McDonald’s spokesperson Sheila Gross. “We will be providing more high-calorie, healthy choices such as boneless rib sandwiches to bring people up to a healthy body mass index”.

Researchers say they are uncertain as to why fat people are healthier than thin people but suggest it may be because fat people enjoy life more.

A study of 1,000 centenarians suggests that so-called ‘healthy’ lifestyle choices have nothing to do with longevity and may actually be causing people to die young.

“I’ve been sitting on my ass, smoking cigarettes and eating shit for my whole life and I feel terrific!” said 103 year old Jennifer Petant.

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Researchers Find Link Between Childhood Obesity; Calories


Obesity researchers at John Hopkins University claim they have discovered a causal link between childhood obesity and the consumption of excess calories.

“We won’t know for certain until all the data is in”, said lead researcher John Pell. “But our data shows that children who ingest several sugary soft drinks, candy bars, chips and other high caloric foods every day tend to be heavier than children who eat less!”

University of Tennessee obesity specialist Clarence Gross disagreed with Pell’s findings. “Caloric consumption has very little to do with obesity”, Gross stated. “Obesity is caused by lack of sleep and PCBs in plastics which create a metabolic disorder!”

Pell said his research started with his own 10 year old son who tended to sit on the sofa, eat candy and drink soft drinks and play video games. When Pell noticed his son getting fat he suspended his son’s candy and video game privileges and told him to “get off your ass and go outside and play”. Following his father’s advise, the boy became thinner, more energetic, more social and happier. Pell extended his research to 3,789 other overweight and obese youth and found a similar result.

“Certainly this does not prove anything”, Pell admitted. “But it does require further study!”

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Obesity Epidemic Caused by Lack of Nicotine, According to “Doctor”


Center for Disease Control (CDC) Assistant Director, Doctor Richard Fulcrum, announced today that the major cause of obesity in the United States is that scores of Americans are quitting smoking and depriving their bodies of nicotine.

“We notice that from the 18th century until the 1980s more people smoked and obesity was not a big problem”, Fulcrum stated. “Now we have fewer smokers but much more obesity!” Read the full story

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Traffic Light Nutritional Coding System Given Green Light


A new system of coding fat, sugar and salt content has been approved and would mean that all pre-packed food would have to display a colour coded guide on the front of the package.

Red would mean high in fat, sugar or salt, amber meaning a little higher then needed and green meaning acceptable levels. Read the full story

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Greece Plans to Close Budget Deficit by Reloading Big, Fat Greek Wedding Franchise


Athens — After many years of embarrassing budget mismanagement leading to a debt of over 450 billion dollars, the Greek government has agreed that the only way out of their economic recession is to remake the 2002 sleeper hit My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Read the full story

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Fat People Outraged at Having to Pay for Two Plane Seats


New York, NY Following the recent onslaught on fat people to pay for two seats for a one way, economy class flight, fat people all over the world have finally decided enough is enough with this anatomical discrimination.

Trent Budgwood, chairman of Full Anatomy Travellers ( FAT.org ) an organisation committed to the comfortable travel of above average girthed individuals expressed outrage at the policy being floated by a French airline.

“That episode of ’99 is still as fresh in my mind as my breakfast mozzarella Buffalo milk cheese,” Read the full story

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Weight Watchers Weigh-in Brings Building to its Knobby Knees


Friday, a near tragedy occurred in the south central town of Vaxjo, Sweden when the participants in a Weight Watchers group were subjected to a structural failure of the building they were using. During a routine weigh-in to determine the amount of weight each participant had lost, and how much farther they needed to go to meet their goals, the floor collapsed underneath them. Read the full story

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Crematorium Imposes Fatties Ban


The relatives of a 40-stone (254 kg) man from Scumerset informed a reporter for the Mass Graves Gazette that the undertaker had advised them the deceased’s body was too heavy for cremation.

Frank McGrunt, a 95-year old former meat pie taster with Gluttons Gourmet Foods, was pronounced DOA at Scumborough General Hospital last Tuesday afternoon following an attack of terminal flatulence which caused his colon to detonate through spontaneous combustion. Read the full story

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