Tag Archive | "elections"

Election Day 2012: Obama Starts Cleaning Out the Oval Office

GlossyNews.comThe White House With exit polls sliding against them faster than butter on a hot skillet, the current occupants of the White House are starting to realize that a moving date will be a reality in January, 2013.

Empty moving boxes first started to arrive discreetly as early as October 1st as the First Family realized that American voters were angry after four disgustingly inept years of anemic economic growth, and in the world’s eyes, a sliding leadership position with scattered decision making and an unacountable State Department causing four needless deaths in Bengazi, Libya. Read the full story


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Aging Gingrich Sucking Life Out of Youthful Santorum Race

Volunteers for GOP candidate Rick Santorum say they are growing more tired by the day trying to come up with good things to say about Newt Gingrich in order to keep the Gingrich/Santorum tag team going against candidate Mitt Romney.

“At first we thought, ok, Newt is a bright dude, he has a bit more Washington experience than our Rick does, and ganging up on Romney would get us further than if we went after him ourselves,” said Jim Voeticki, chief organizer of the Santorum campaign. Read the full story


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Cindy McCain’s Chic Haircut Causes Senate Upheaval

PRESCOTT, AZ — GlossyNews.com: Re-elected Sen. John McCain, going on 74, seemed to coast to victory in November, easily beating Tuscon Democrat Rodney Glassman to hang onto his Arizona Senate seat. But his wife’s new chic haircut got major press, and this threw the 5-term senator into a major funk. Read the full story


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Steele Sends Nancy Pelosi to the Back of the Bus

WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) — Chairman Steele invited Republicans to “Get on the Bus” on Friday. The RNC Chairman Michael Steele has, with his Fire Nancy Pelosi Bus Tour, removed the House Speaker from under the bus to sitting inside his bus, albeit in the back seat, but it is a nicely tricked out back seat.

It was announced by Steele that the real FNP 6-week tour would commence this week, and he promised that Speaker Nancy would be on board for at least some parts of the tour. Read the full story


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The United States of Corporate America

SANDPOINT, Idaho (GLossyNews) — In a bold statement today, a jubilant Sarah Palin announced her plans to rename our country. “We live in a great country. And if we want to see things get done, if we want to support our economy, we need to recognize who the real leaders are. It’s not our government, it’s our country’s corporations that really make our country great. In honor of all the great businesses of America, I propose we rename our country, “The United States of Corporate America.”

GOP representatives all across the country have denied any knowledge of Palin’s proposal, but one spokesperson close to Palin, who spoke only on condition of anonymity, stated that drafts of this proposal have already been introduced in Senate and House subcommittees. Read the full story


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Obama Appoints TV Show ‘Doctor’ as Vice President

Washington, DC (GlossyNews) — In a bold bid to rally voter support for healthcare reform and boost Democrats’ election prospects, President Obama announced today the resignation of Vice President Joe Biden and appointment of television actor Patrick Dempsey to replace him.

Dempsey, best known for his portrayal of Dr. Derek Shepherd on the popular television series Grey’s Anatomy, has no previous political experience but is seen as a canny choice by Washington insiders. Read the full story


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Huckabee Compares Werewolves to Zombies

Fort Smith, Ark-Kansas (GlossyNews) — Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee hasn’t announced his plans for 2012, but the FOX News commenter has lately been stressing his cultural values credentials. Speaking this week to UC Berkeley’s College Republican Union, Huckabee hit hard on the topic of Werewolves.

He told Kate, Bob and Xi Liang, “You young people are on the front lines in a war against creeping deviancy. There are so many who’ve chosen a lifestyle, and they want you to accept them as normal, and feel sympathy for them. It’s just wrong, these Werewolves. God made each of us a species, and we’re not supposed to go around switching species every time the moon comes out.” Read the full story


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Obama to Nominate Oprah to Supreme Court

Washington DC (GlossyNews) — In a surprise move President Obama is set to nominate media mogul Oprah Winfrey to fill the Supreme Court vacancy created by retiring Justice John Paul Stevens.

According to sources Winfrey will continue starring in her popular television show while serving on the court, and there is no change in her plan to launch new cable tv programming next year.

“With her new cable show airing at night, she’ll have more flexibility in her schedule,” said a senior administration official. “There will be a transition period, but she’s a superstar who can multitask.” Read the full story


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Romney Cooks Up New Image for 2012

CHICAGO, IL (GlossyNews) — During an interview in a Chicago bus station on Wednesday, Mitt Romney said, “I think that one of the things that’s very important in running a successful presidential campaign is to make sure that voters can easily recognize what you are known for – those things that really motivate you.” He held up his new signature snow globe with WTF initials inside. Read the full story


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Glossy News Denies Black President Hoax

Toronto – A spokesperson for the Glossy News in Toronto this morning denied allegations that the Seattle-based news service fabricated the now famous story that a black man had won the US Presidential Race in 2008. The Toronto Sun Times reported Sunday in a developing story that the Glossy News had created an elaborate hoax in early November, 2008, reporting that a little known African American had been elected as the US president. The Glossy News spokesperson stated that the news service was just another victim of the fake story along with Reuters and CNN. Fox News continues to report that Sarah Palin won the election. Read the full story


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Afghan Election Results Officially Recognized as FUBAR

In the southern Afghan poppy-growing region of Shit-or-Bust the tribesmen held one of their time-honoured beardie pow-wow’s by getting together around the campfire just prior to the recent presidential election for a fart-fest and to discuss which candidate they would back. Read the full story


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