Tag Archive | "Egypt"

General Mills Out of Egypt: We’re Not Coup-Coup for These Cocoa Puffs

International food conglomerate and global diabetes proponent General Mills this week announced that they’ll be shuttering operations in Egypt, following unrest, citing “things to cuckoo even for us.”

The 2nd largest buyer of corn syrup in the history of the world announced this week that they’ll suspend manufacturing of “hearty, nutritious, vitamin fortified breakfast cereals” in the “land of three massive pyramids” citing unrest, looting, and to the least extent, the burning down of their factory. Read the full story


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Egyptian takeover not a “coup”; ketchup still a vegetable

Is the military takeover of the democratically elected government of Egypt a coup d’état? Is ketchup a vegetable? If the military takeover in Egypt is a coup d’état, U.S. law requires the suspension of $1.5 billion in aid per year, second only to the more than $3 billion annual gift to Israel. If ketchup is not a vegetable, U.S. school meals may be violating nutritional guidelines. Read the full story


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To Avoid Political Scandal, Devoted Wife Teresa Heinz Kerry Becomes Ill

Just as the media started to descend on Secretary of State John Kerry for vacationing aboard his yacht while Egypt crumbled, his wife had some sort of mysterious seizure taking the spotlight off him.

“My wife is so wonderful she even pretended to be sick”, a teary eyed Kerry said to an unnamed source. “She took some drugs that cause seizures when combined with alcohol and it’s very difficult to find this drug in her system with standard tests!”

Kerry was just starting to be attacked by the news media for taking a Nantucket vacation as Egyptian President Mohammed Morsi was violently overthrown from office. The tactic of having his wife become ill has been described as “brilliant” by political analysts.

“Rather than appearing not to care for his job, he now seems like the devoted and caring husband!” said analyst Joe Shempke. “Perhaps he had the ‘sick wife’ thing in his back pocket for just such an occasion!”

74 year old Teresa Heinz Kerry’s condition has been upgraded to good after arriving at the hospital in critical condition.


Posted in Politics, Top StoriesComments (0)

Egyptian President Says He is “Too Cool for School”

Egypt’s young people are outraged following President Mohammed Morsi’s announcement that he is “Too cool for school.”

Morsi reportedly made the declaration before a crowd of fifth graders during a school visit in the Cairo suburbs meant to promote Egypt’s new constitution.

As the students reeled in surprise, the president proceeded to don a sombrero and dance out of the building while waving the peace sign. Read the full story


Posted in World NewsComments (1)

Mubarak ‘Mummy Movie’ Planned for 2013

Famed Egyptian director, Khairy Beshara, has announced his plan to film a number of features about an undead Hosni Mubarak who wreaks havoc on his countrymen.  The first in the horror series will be Curse of Mubarak The Mummy: A New Arab Awakening.

“I got the idea while I was staring into Mubarak’s cage: What will happen if he dies during his trial? There will be no justice,” says Beshara, who promises justice will be served in full force in the movies. Read the full story


Posted in Entertainment, Talky PicturesComments (4)

America Once Said We’d Teach The Arabs About Democracy

….now it looks as though the ones in North Africa could teach us a lot about it.


Posted in News In Your BriefsComments (0)

Cheney Comes Out in Support of Mubarak

An American dictator comes out in support of a buddy dictator which is an indication that there must be a strong social network of dictators that many don’t know about. Just like Hitler being bosom buddies with Mussolini, Franco and Stalin, this is proof that birds of a feather flock together. Read the full story


Posted in Politics, Top StoriesComments (0)

Cairo Chaos Bad for Business

Egypt has long been considered the least interesting of Middle East nations. Although respected as the originator of massively silly public works projects, its modern political system has been as constant as the Sphinx. All that changed this week as thousands took to the streets in a defiant bid for something more relevant than ‘everybody gets to vote but not everybody gets to run for office.’ Read the full story


Posted in Biz NewsComments (2)

Egyptian Student Skips Homework, Beaten on the Knuckles, Chest, Skull

An Egyptian court has sentenced a schoolteacher to 300 hours of community service work for beating a pupil to death because he had not done his homework.

Maths teacher Atilla bin Atwatt threw the 15 year-old schoolboy out of the third floor classroom window as an example, to impress on other pupils their responsibility to hand homework assignments in on schedule. Read the full story


Posted in Kidz Zone, SocietyComments (2)

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